Louise Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Teddy

You know that boat that I've been fixing up?

Louise

Yoooou've mentioned it.

Teddy

Well, I finally got her shipshape, and I thought it'd be fun to take you all out.

Louise

Kill us?

Teddy

No, take you out for a boat ride.

Louise Belcher

How you doing girl?

Tina Belcher

Um, not great. I feel like my soul has diarrhea.

Tina

Maybe this is our wake-up call. We should stop eating cat food.

Gene

I have been throwing up on the rug.

Tina

So let's do it. We'll have a normal day where we don't think about cat food at all.

Gene

Everyone ready to go to the cat food audition today?

Tina

Oh damn it.

Louise

Atta girl.

Tina

I'm going to bed. I don't remember which room I'm in but I'm sure I'll recognize the door.

Gene

She's going to be wandering around up there all night.

Louise

Yup, she belongs to the hotel now.

What do you want?

Louise

A lot of things, Felix, but right now I want money for a dog.

You owe money to a dog?

Teddy

Am I drunk, or are you guys having a weird conversation?

Louise

Both!

Louise

Should we just go home and eat spoonfuls of sugar?

Tina

I know where there's a hummingbird feeder.

Gene

I'm ready for tub and tuck-in.

Linda

What? Are you kidding me?! We're not "Hallo-quitters", we're "Hallo-winners"!

Gene

But no houses are giving out candy, woman!

Linda

We don't need candy to have fun.

Louise

You shut your damn mouth.

Louise

Okay, before we do this, let's talk weapons. What'd everybody bring?

Tina

Wait, what? None. Why are we talking weapons now? There was a much better time to do this, back when we were near weapons.

Louise

Well, I have extras. You're welcome. (sighs) Okay, here's what I got: ruler, for slapping or poking.

Gene

Or measuring.

Tina

Pass.

Louise

Key chain, for stabbing.

Gene

Or keys.

Louise

You could also take the key chain, and you could force it down a throat.

Bob

Yeah, you could sneak it into someone's mouth.

Louise

Yeah.

Gene

"Hey, what's that? Oh, keys in your mouth."

Tina

Wha-What else you got?

Louise

Uh, you know, mace, knife... but I'm keeping those.

Linda

Wow! This is nice!

Louise

Nat! Let's get this baby started and take her to about 120?

Okay, excuse me? Little bunny girl?

Louise

Yup?

You can't stand up in the sunroof while we're driving.

Louise

But what about-

What about Big? The film starring Thomas Hanks? It's called movie magic. You wanna know what happens when real people drive around hanging out of a sunroof?

Louise

Yeah.

Decapitation. It happens all the time. There was a huge uptick in 'em right after that film came out, but you didn't hear anything about it, I'm sure right? Right?

Louise

I-I didn't hear anything about it.

Yeah not a word. Government covered it up.

Louise

Oh my gosh.

Thomas Hanks himself got paid a bunch of hush money.

Louise

How much?

About 12,000 dollars.

Louise

That all checks out.

I'm Tim Flanagan, and this is my brother Jerry. You may be asking yourselves, "Can I really do trapeze?" Well, look at me. I got 30, 40 extra pounds on me. I got diabetes, major depression, a weird skin thing on my foot, you name it. Point is, if I can trapeze, you can trapeze. We'll be learning tonight's routine on the low trapeze over those mats. And then moving to the high trapeze, complete with costumes and music. I know what you're thinking: "Will I really be ready for all that?" Well, in 45 minutes, your answer will probably be, "Sure."

Gene

At least you get to keep that sweet whistle.

Tina

Uh, no. I have to return it tomorrow.

Louise

Can you at least play something one last time?

Bob

Better not. It's kinda shrill.

Louise

You love mom.

Linda

What?

Louise

Gene, you're gonna have to choose: Tina, or me? I lost one sister today. Am I gonna lose another?

Gene

Aaah! I can't decide! I'm like a sexy Switzerland!

Tina

Well, I won, as predicted. I shutted your butts. Should we go back and see how much grease you have to clean?

Louise

You shut your butt.

Tina

You shut your butt!

Louise

No, you shut YOUR butt!

Tina

My butt is shut.

Gene

[happily] Mine's WIIIIIDE OPEN!