Bob Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Linda

Oh, that guy must really know what he's doing!

Bob

Why, because he's slurping?

Bob

Linda, no. I don't want to drink with that guy.

Linda

Why? I do, Bobby. He's an expert!

Bob

Well, I was looking forward to a relaxing day off. I wasn't even going to talk to you that much, to be honest.

Teddy

Super-freaky, huh?

Bob

What?

Teddy

Linda was right about who was calling. And where Mort's wallet was. Two predictions in a row!

Gene

Try a third one, Mom!

Linda

Okay! The next person to walk in will be tall, dark and handsome.

Bob

Um, *ahem*, I'm already here.

Gene

Hehe, good one, Papa.

Bob

Thank you, son.

Gene

You're welcome.

Marshmallow in the house. Now put a burger in my mouth.

Bob

Oh, hey, Marshmallow.

Linda

*(gasps)* Tall, dark and handsome!

Gene

That settles it: Mom's psychic!

Bob

No she isn't! Marshmallow isn't handsome. She's....beautiful.

Blush!

Teddy

Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con?

Bob

Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.

Teddy

Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called "Equesticles."

Bob

"Equesticles"?

Teddy

Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.

Tina

Look at what you've all become. You've betrayed the meaning of the Equestranauts. And I don't mean the sexually-charged, awkward, confusing vibe at this party. I'm a fan of sexually-charged, awkward, confusing things too. Like, for instance--

Bob

[frowning] Tina.

Tina

Sorry. But being an "Equesticle" means no judgment... right, Horseplay? I mean, you accepted me, and I don't even have testicles. Bronconius hijacked this thing you all love and tainted it. He's the real Xandar.

Bob

I know who that is - he's the bad guy.

Bob

All right, great, let's open that safe.

Ha! You'll never get into that safe! The combination is based on an Equestranauts reference so obscure that only the smartest, most knowledgeable Equesticle in the world could figure it out! That Equesticle is me!

Bob

[on the throne] Front desk?

There you go.

Oh. Well, that was... actually easy.

Bob

Did you get my messages about the bathroom? That I left you? For the last several months?

Mr. Fischoeder

Yes, I got them. How the hell did you get my number?

Bob

You gave it to me when we first met.

Mr. Fischoeder

Not to use!

Linda

Hey, why are you going into our room?

Bob

Probably putting something gross in our bed.

Louise

I'm taking something gross out of your bed.

Bob

Oh, okay.

Linda

Thanks, sweetie!

Bob! Louise ran away!

Bob

What!?

She told me to wait ten mintues before I told you. But I'm a grown man, and she's a little girl. So I waited eight.

Bob

You waited eight minutes to tell me my daughter ran away?

Don't tell her I didn't wait the full ten!

Bob

You know, I've never read any parenting books, but I'm pretty sure this isn't in them.

Linda

Parenting books? There are parenting books?

Bob

Yeah.

Linda

I thought that was a joke.

Bob

Nope.

Linda

I should write a parenting book. Call it, "Hey You, I Saw That! Put It Back!"

Bob

You should do that.

Linda

I know, right? Make a fortune!

Bob

I'm sorry, Teddy!

Linda

What - what happened - what happened?

Bob

I'm killing Teddy.

Linda

(sleepily) What, you're going to kill Teddy? Alright. Car's gassed up. That's good. Guess I could home school the kids-

Bob

No, Lin, the burgers are killing him.

Linda

(shocked) What?

Bob

The ones I give him every day.

Linda

Oh. Gotcha.

Bob

Good God, Linda, you had all that ready?

Linda

What? I'm just being supportive. Good night.

Bob

Here's the deal, Teddy: I can make you soup or salad, but I don't think I can serve you my burgers anymore.

Teddy

You cutting me off, Bobby?

Bob

I guess I... am.

Teddy

You're cutting me off!? Is this some kind of sick joke?

Mort

I think it's for your own good.

Teddy

You stay the hell out of this, Mort! [to Bob] Bob, if you take your burgers from me, I will murder you and your mouthy wife!

Bob

Teddy's not my best friend. He's my best customer. There's a big difference, and I really value that thirty inches of formica that's between us.

Gene

Are you talking about your ding-dong, Daddy? Brag!

Teddy

Why would you lie to me like that? Who says they're somebody's best friend when they're not!?

Bob

Look, Teddy, I'm sorry I lied because I care about you...

Teddy

Pull over here. Stop the car, Bob!

Teddy

You're not the only man that sells burgers, you know. I'm going to be a regular at Dusty's Feed Bag now! Friend.

Bob

Come on Teddy, get back in the car.

Teddy

Oh, and one more thing, Bob three years ago, you forgot a tomato on my burger and I said nothing. Nothing!

Bob

Teddy please don't go in there.

Teddy

You don't tell me what to do. Oh wait, I guess this entrance isn't even open.