Get the door, Baldrick. [there is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door] Baldrick, I advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good.
Not good enough. You're fired.
But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
So has syphilis. Now get out.
Alright, sir. Oh, by the way, there was a messenger at the door. Says the Queen wants to see you right away. Lord Melchett is very sick.
Yeah, he's at death's door.
[brightens] Well, my reinstated faithful old family retainer, let's go and open it for him!
The sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four-year old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.
[thinks and writes] Cardinal Wolsey...
Baldrick! [Baldrick enters, now with a mouse tied to the end of his nose] Why?
I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat for variety.
I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it.
Quite the wrong impression, ma'am. I just want to make it another night, that's all.
Well, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it? Next he'll be trying to get out of having his bath altogether.
He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.
Well, he should be. How else is he gonna keep clean? Soon, he'll be saying he doesn't want to have his nappy changed.
Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.
Well, in that case, it's even more important that he has a bath.
Shut up, Nursie! [to Blackadder] I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins!
[giving in] Yes, alright! Tonight it is!
[smiles] Oh, Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.
Right, now let's make this absolutely clear: we are having two parties here tonight.
BPBaldrick and Percy
Right.
And they must be kept completely separate.
BPBaldrick and Percy
Right.
Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.
Oh, thank you very much, my lord.
Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?
[cracking up] Yes it is, my lord.
[cracking up] Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as a thingy!
[cracking up] A great big thingy! It was teriffic!
Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not make them unusually sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this 'hilarious' item?
BPBaldrick and Percy
Yes.
Good, because there's nothing more like to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.
Oh, absolutely, Edmund. [cracking up] But it was jolly funny!
I found it particularly ironic, my lord, 'cause I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip.
[annoyed] What fun. Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition tonight with Lord Melchett and ten thousand florins are at stake!
Well, firstly, you haven't got ten thousand florins, and thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and sing that song about the goblin.
Nonsense. But just in case it's true-
Yes, alright, it's true! So the plan is, when I call for my 'incredibly strong ale', you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Got that?
Yeah, when you call for ale, I pass water.
Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.
Oh, I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman.
Oh, God. [hears a knock at the door] Right, here goes.
Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you again. [kisses her cheeks]
[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child, don't lie! Everyone hates us, and you know it!
Er, yes. Uh, may I introduce my friend, Lord Percy.
Well, well, well, Eddie. You didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like, and I like what I see.
[slaps him on the cheek] Begone, Satan!
Yes, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say "inheritance"? I meant "journey". [enters his room] If you'd just like to help yourselves to a legacy, uh, a chair.
Chair?! You have chairs in your house?!
[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike.
I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance.
[sits down] We shall suffer comfort this once. We'll just have to stick forks in our legs between courses. I trust you remember we eat no meat?
Heaven forbid! Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip, mashed.
[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub! For Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape! I shall have my turnip as God intended.
Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please.
Just do it. [to Lord Whiteadder] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip as God intended?
He will not answer you. He has taken a vow of silence. I believe that silence is golden.
Let us discuss your inheritance.
Ah, yes, good. Um, a little drink first, perhaps?
Drink?! [slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!
No, no, this is only water. This is a house of simple purity.
[The door behind Edmund opens, revealing one of the partygoers, Freddy Frobisher, who stumbles through the door, runs past Edmund and Lady Whiteadder and vomits loudly into the fireplace behind Percy]
FFFreddy Frobisher
[stumbles back to the door] Great booze-up, Edmund! [staggers out into the hallway, giving a loud cheer]
[Percy hides his face in his hand, the Whiteadders look on in silent dismay, and Blackadder stays completely still and silent]
Oh, know him? Oh yes, I do.
Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?
[thinks for nearly a whole minute. Haltingly] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary, and on his last visit abroad, brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness, and he's obviously just woken. Because, as you heard, Great Boo's up.
And I think I might just go and visit him. Percy, over to you.
[comes back, now very drunk, and wearing the cardinal's hat] Percy, I lost the bet.
[shocked] Edmund, explain yourself!
I can't. Not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Auntie. Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty! Hehe! And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like, See the little goblin-
I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are grinning inanely, and... [Edmund falls over onto a chair with his back facing the table] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches.
I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder. I have an ostrich feather up my bottom because Mr. Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies. And I'm grinning inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance. Eeheeheeheeheehee!
Is that right?! May I remind you, cursed creature, that your inheritance depends upon not drinking and not gambling!
Oh yes. Damn. Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.
Not mentioning farts was also a condition.
Shove off, you old trout.
[offended] How dare you speak to my husband like that! Nathaniel, we're leaving! [to Percy] And you.
Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile?
[The Whiteadders head out into the hallway, Lady Whiteadder slamming the door behind her]
Good riddance, you old witch. [a knock on the door] Oops, she's forgotten her broomstick.
NWLord Nathaniel Whiteadder
[opens the door; breaking the vow of silence] Look... [looks behind him, then turns back to Blackadder] I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening! Yes, first rate all around. Particularly your jester. By the way, I loved the turnip. [snickers] Very funny. Exactly the same shape as a thingy! [leaves]
Forgive me, Herr Blackadder...I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my apple-ogies.
I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you.
It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience me.
Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.
Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.
Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.
Yes, well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at the Old Pizzle in Dover?
I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?
[falsetto] `Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?'
But I went to bed with you, didn't I?
For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!
Indeed you were, "Mr. Floppy".
[Lord Melchett is brought into the dungeon]
Lord Melchett, we meet again.
No, I don't think we had the pleasure.
You do not recognise me then?
Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you were in Cornwall at the Monastery, there was an old shepard with whom you used to talk?
Yes. I was one of his sheep!
One of his sheep? [realises what Ludwig is implying] Not...
Yes Lord Melchett! [bleats loudly like a sheep]
What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?
Well, that all depends on whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.
Well, then perhaps some pleasant word game?
Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.
For god's sake, man! We must do something to relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us!
Awaits you, Melchy, not me. How's my beard looking?
Oh, alas! Shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...
[reading the Queen's reply to his ransom letter] After long and careful deliberation, the Qveen has decided to spend the ransom money on...
[Cut to the Queen writing the rest of the letter]
"...a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I've decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy jolly time, and try to forget both of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee!"
[Cut back to the prison]
"Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee!"
My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will ewentually die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your needs. With your information, gentlemen, I intend to overthrow your qveen and country. The Master of Disguise will become The Master of the World!
Yes, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go?
Were you ever bullied at school?
Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.
Nonsense. No, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.
I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year.
[fed up] Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot" again! [leaves]
Touched a nerve there, I think.
What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?!
Don't worry, I have a plan.
Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should have no trouble overcoming the guards. Germans are sticklers for efficiency, and I've been watching their routine. I have selected the moment when they are at their most vulnerable. That is when we will attack.
That is the most cunning bit.
[At the Queen's party, she comes dressed as her father, King Henry VIII]
[deep voice] Yo ho ho, off with their heads!
Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!
[normal voice] Let's bally well hope not, or else I won't be queen anymore.
