Blackadder · Season 1
[After six months at sea, Blackadder, Percy and Baldrick prepare to drink their own urine]
Is Captain Rum joining us for this Bring-A-Sample party?
Oh no, he's been swigging his for ages. Says he likes it. Actually, come to think of it, he started before the water ran out.
[After two and a half years at sea, Blackadder returns to England]
Edmund! You're alive!
Oh yes.
And your silly friend.
[bows] Lord Percy, Ma'am.
And your monkey!
[bows] Your Majesty.
But where is Captain Rum?
Ah, bad news, Milady, Rum is dead.
[Nursie wails in grief]
Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.
And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
You mean they put him in the pot?!
Yes, your fiancé was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course. [Nursie starts crying again] However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento. [hands Nursie Captain Rum's beard]
Oh, my lucky stars! I shall wear it always to remind me of him. [puts the beard on]
[Blackadder hands the Queen a boomerang]
[to Lord Melchett] What is it?
A stick.
Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?
Ah, yes, Ma'am. But it is a very special stick, because, when you throw it away, it comes back!
Well, that's no good, is it? Because when I throw things away, I don't want them to come back! [to Percy] You! Get rid of it.
Certainly, Ma'am. [throws it into the corridor]
Baldrick, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine.
I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable, actually, Baldrick. Most girls would charge an extra sixpence for all the 'orrid things he wants-
Yes, yes, alright. Baldrick, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute. Molly, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now may I get some sleep?
What about this priest?
Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here, and that if he comes begging again, I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns babies during Christenings and then eats them in the vestry afterwards.
Very good, my lord.
[flirty] Bye, Baldrick.
[bashful] Buh-bye, Molly.
[to Baldrick] For God's sake, get out! [to Molly] Well, you're the one, aren't you? When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like "Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets", you don't say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering.
He treated me like a human being.
Look, if I had wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
Tell me, Bishop, supposing I was to say something like "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she would be very interested to hear about you and Molly and the wimple, so why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"
I would say, firstly, the Queen would not believe you, and secondly, [pulls out a poker, its end glowing red hot] you'll regret calling me 'Fatso' later today!
Ah.
I will have my money by Evensong tonight, or...YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!
Do not despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance. By lucky hap, it is just over a thousand, and has, for years, been hidden, beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock....
...under the squeaky floorboard...
...behind the kitchen dresser.
[uneasily] You've seen it?
Seen it, pinched it, spent it! Same goes for those two farthings Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.
Oh, bloody hell!
Then you are doomed. Alas. For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet and tell sad stories.
Certainly not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about!
You won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.
That's true. Still, I've got eighty-five quid and that's a start. I'm sure I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed...
[enters] My lord, the Queen does demand your urgent presence, on pain of death.
Oh, damn, the path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!
I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy - the hidden art of turning base things into gold.
I see. And the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent of men since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits?
Oh no. I like a challenge!
[enters again] My lord, the Queen does demand your urgent presence, on pain of death.
You're not making any friends here. You do know that, don't you?
[After the Queen's latest practical joke, Edmund returns to his house to find it filled with smoke]
My God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?!
[comes out of the den, frazzled and slightly burnt] My lord! Success!
What?
[leads Edmund into the den, where alchemical apparatus has been arranged on the table, with Baldrick pumping the bellows] After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold! Pure gold!
Are you sure?
Yes, my lord! Behold...
[Edmund and Baldrick look at the main pot as Percy opens it, revealing its contents and bathing the room in its light]
Percy, it's green.
That's right, my lord!
Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's called "gold". What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some "green".
[amazed; takes the green out of the pot and holds it reverently in his hands] Oh, Edmund, can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?
Indeed you do, Percy. Except it's not really a nugget, but more of a splat.
Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows, or dares to dream!
So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will?
Thus so. [aside] Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you, Percy?
Perhaps, my lord...
That you, Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter berk. Baldrick, pack my bags. I'm gonna sell the house.
[shocked] What?!
There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out, but needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.
This is the den.
[disgusted] Oh dear!
But I have to tell you, Mr. Pants, that I've had an extremely encouraging nibble from another client, and I think you know me the sort of man not to ignore a nibble for long.
I smell some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.
Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is as dry rot does. Stop me if I'm getting too technical.
And the floors are a bit uneven.
Yes, indeed, and at no extra cost.
Strange smell.
Yes, that's the servant. He'll be gone soon.
You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?
No, not really. This is a different thing; it's spontaneous and it's called wit.
What about the privies?
When the master craftsman who designed this home was looking at sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo", for 'twas his name, "Romeo, let's make 'em functional and comfortable."
Oh, well, that sounds nice, don't it, dear?
I'm glad we understand each other, sir. So, sold then. Drink?
[insistent] What about the privies?
Well, what we're talking about in 'privy' terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh air orifices combined with a wide capacity gutter installation below.
You mean you crap out of the window?
Yes!
Well, in that case, we'll definitely take it! I can't stand those dirty indoor things.
[enters] My lord-
[sarcastic] Ah, messenger, thank God you came. Percy and I could not have waited another second without you.
Right, Balders, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away.
Why, my lord?
Well, to avoid these monks!
No point. The Black Bank's got branches everywhere.
Oh no! [slumps to the floor] If I die, Baldrick, do you think people would remember me?
Yeah, 'course they would.
Yes, I suppose so.
Yeah, people would always be slapping each other on the shoulder and laughing and saying "Do you remember Old Privy-Breath?".
Do people call me "Privy-Breath"?
Yeah. The ones who like you.
Am I then not popular?
Um...well, put it this way - when people step in what dogs leave in the street, they do tend to say "Whoops, I've trod on a Blackadder".
[having a plan] The bloody cheek! I'll show them!
Have you got a plan, my lord?
Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait-painter in England!
I'll get them right away, my lord!
The time has come, Blackadder!
Oh, hullo, Bish.
The Black Monks will have their money, or I will have my fun.
You enjoy your work, don't you?
Bits of it, yes.
The violent bits.
Yes. [starts massaging Blackadder's shoulders] You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything.
Fine words for a bishop.
Have you got the money?
Nope.
Good, I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Blackadder [pulls out his red-hot poker] IT'S POKER TIME!!!
Fine. Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?
No, no. I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my flock is concerned, my only vice is a little tipple before Evensong. [Baldrick offers him a goblet of wine] Oh, thank you. [drinks from the offered goblet and then turns back to Blackadder] Bend over, Blackadder! This where you get... [chokes and clutches at his throat] Drugged! By God...!
No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same.
[On the painting Blackadder had made to blackmail the Bishop of Bath and Wells]
By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?!
It's beautifully framed, don't you think? Which is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you.
You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?!
No, I could never get used to the underwear. What I could use, though, is, say, eleven-hundred pounds to buy back my house, four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expenses, ten shillings for the two doors and thruppence for a celebratory slap-up binge at Mrs Miggins' Pie Shop.
Baldrick, why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?
To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
And do they?
Not yet, my lord.
That's hardly surprising. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom. The only sort of mouse you're likely to catch is one without a nose.
That's a pity, 'cause the nose is the best bit on a mouse.
Any bit of mouse would be luxury compared to what Percy and I must eat tonight. We are entertaining Puritan vegetable folk, Balders. And that means no meat.
In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.
And the surprise is?
There's nothing else in it except the turnip.
So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be a turnip?
[in realisation] Oh yeah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Blackadder pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
