Regina Kostas quotes from Becker

[to Amanda about the diner] Not quite our condo on South Beach.

Jake Malinak

Not quite a condo on Omaha Beach!

Dr. John Becker

Where have you been? I'm out here talking to myself.

Well, it must be nice to have someone to agree with you for a change.

Dr. John Becker

Psychology, yeah, right. How hard can it be? "Hi. You hate your mother. That'll be a hundred bucks."

As opposed to, "Get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids, that'll be a hundred-fifty?"

Dr. John Becker

Let me guess: long hair, sandals, has the pretentious college kid smirk you want to smack off with a baseball bat?

Geez, Becker, you never even met him. It's like you pre-hate him.

Dr. John Becker

Saves time.

Dr. John Becker

Just so you know, the only reason why he's helping you is because he wants to sleep with you.

Now, why would you say something like that?

Dr. John Becker

He's a college kid. Basically, that's a penis with a backpack.

Jake

I might be running into some health problems. You see, I met this girl who's into astrology, right? She told me--

Dr. John Becker

Astrology! Congratulations, Reg. Psychology just moved up a notch.

Becker, astrology goes back thousands of years.

Dr. John Becker

Thousands years ago, people were crapping in their hats.

Jake Malinak

I know it's none of my business, but this Brad guy sounds a little young for you.

He's not that young.

Could you cut the crust off my sandwich?

Crust off. [gives thumbs up] Got it!

I was born and raised in New York, and I've never been to the top of the Empire State Building!

Linda

Really? I was conceived up here! Well, acually it was in the elevator.

[incredulous] Your parents did it in the elevator!?

Linda

Well they weren't going to do it on the stairs, they're not animals!

Jake Malinak

Reg, you know that after eating, you'll want to stretch your legs, which leads to taking a walk, which leads to your apartment, which leads to sex!

Fine, maybe I'll just meet him for dessert.

Jake Malinak

Bad idea; you'll eat too much, which leads to feeling fat, which leads to changing clothes, which leads to sex!

Reggie "Reggie" Kostas

Coffee?

Jake Malinak

Coffee! Coffee breath, mints, drug store, aisle 12, sex!

Can we meet for water?

Jake Malinak

WATER!? Why don't you just do it in the street!?

Dr. John Becker

You're not gonna believe this. Six o'clock in the morning, somebody knocks on my door.

Linda

That's incredible!

Dr. John Becker

There's more, Linda.

Linda

Oh, good, because that part was really boring.

Dr. John Becker

Anyway, I open the door. There's a guy asking to borrow some underwear.

Now, Linda.

Linda

That's incredible!

Dr. John Becker

Linda, the point. What's your point?

Linda

That Mercury's in retrograde. That always makes people act very strangely.

Dr. John Becker

(scoffs) Astrology. What a load of crap.

You don't think people's lives are affected by the stars?

Wait, are we talking about planets or celebrities 'cause clearly, when Brad Pitt is in town, traffic is tied up around for hours.

Linda

I love Brad Pitt.

Me too. But in a totally non-gay way.

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, I gotta admit, I kinda envy Brad Pitt because he's not involved in this conversation.

Hey, Jake. Where have you been?

Jake Malinak

My nana sent me package and it took me an hour to pick it up at the post office. Turns out forty-five minutes of that was me waiting in line for the ladies room.

Giving a blind man a Scrabble set it cruel. It would be like buying you a fish tank. It's a total waste.

Jake Malinak

I have a fish tank and I'll tell you why: I find the sounds of the bubbles to be very relaxing.

Look, Jake--

Bob.

No, I'm telling him: You do NOT have a fish tank. What you have is a toilet that needs to be jiggled!

Jake Malinak

Reggie?

Once you started naming the fish, we just didn't have the heart to tell you.

(reading the Scrabble box) "Special Edition: Can be enjoyed by the blind and sighted alike." Okay. Bob stands corrected. Let's play, Jake.

So, a blind man playing Scrabble is wrong, but you beating a blind man at Scrabble, you have no problem with.

Exactly.

Jake Malinak

It's okay, Reg. Let the little weasel put his money where his mouth is.

Oh, yeah? Fifty bucks!

Jake Malinak

I'm in!

Wow, look at this! Each tile's marked in braille.

Wait a minute. He can tell what they are? I'm out.

Jake Malinak

Damn, I was looking forward to it. I haven't played since I was a little kid.

Really? Well, why be a bad sport? I'm back in.