Jake Malinak quotes from Becker

Jake Malinak

Hey, Reg? You know how women are always trying to change guys? Now you got one that'll probably need changing every couple hours.

Jake Malinak

(accidentally pulls a fire alarm) Oh, I hate when I do that...

Jake

I didn't know Margaret drank. Then again, she does work for Becker!

Jake Malinak

(first lines) Becker's here!

Dr. John Becker

What I like about this place is that anytime I walk in, there's always a seat.

You know, Becker, you could've changed the channel.

Dr. John Becker

I did. I ran across a bisexual guy having a three-way with his aunt and uncle. I tell you, if I were his dog, I'd be on my toes.

Well, here's a wacky idea: turn it off!

Jake Malinak

Don't you see it, Reggie? He leaves the TV on so he can get upset!

Dr. John Becker

Nobody called on you. It doesn't matter if you turn the set off. The people are still in there! And, frankly, I like knowing what they're up to. Trust me on this one. White trash is the only natural resource this country will never run out of!

Dr. John Becker

Jake.

Jake Malinak

(combing his hair) Yeah?

Dr. John Becker

If you don't want people to know you're blind, you might want to try staring into the shiny metal part instead of directly at the napkin.

Jake Malinak

(touches the napkin dispenser, of which the napkins are facing) Oh, damn.

So, what kind of car are you looking for?

Dr. John Becker

Basic transportation. Something to get me from here to there.

Get a bicycle.

Jake Malinak

Uh-oh.

What? They're inexpensive, great exercise, and pollution-free.

Dr. John Becker

Oh, yeah. That's just what I want to be. Another schmuck riding down the street with a little bell and stupid helmet trying to save the environment. Like my little two-wheeler's going to make a difference in a city with fifty-million cabs belching out toxic smoke. "Oh, little Timmy can't breathe! But don't worry! Becker's riding a bike!"

Jake Malinak

(to Reggie) I tried to warn you.

Dr. John Becker

Hey, Jake. Let me ask you something. Say you're crossing the street and some guy yells at you because you're about to be hit by a bus.

Jake Malinak

What street?

Dr. John Becker

What's the difference?

Jake Malinak

Well, John, I'm tying to help you here, so...

Dr. John Becker

All right, fine, fine. Fourth and Road. You happy? The point is...

Jake Malinak

Is it a local or an express?

Dr. John Becker

What difference does it make?

Jake Malinak

Well, I want to know how fast it's going. Now, if it's a local, I know it's going to stop, but if it's an express, it's just going to come barreling through--

Dr. John Becker

I don't know what kind of bus it is, all right?

Jake Malinak

Okay, fine, fine. So, I'm crossing the street, and here comes some kind of bus which may or may not be going fast enough to hit me.

Dr. John Becker

Okay, you know what? The bus was going faster than I thought! You're dead!

Jake Malinak

Why does it always have to be the blind black guy crossing the street?

Dr. John Becker

Oh, all right! Fine, Jake! It's a white guy crossing the street!

Jake Malinak

Now we're talkin'! Is he big and slow?

Dr. John Becker

He's me! Okay?! I'm crossing the street!

Reggie

Oh, well that's easy. The bus hits you and nobody calls for help because everyone in this neighborhood knows you.

Dr. John Becker

Jake, let me give you a little tip: whatever you do, never, ever, go to a hospital. You got a problem, throw yourself in front of a train. It's quicker, it's cheaper and it's a hell of a lot less paperwork. Patient of mine went to this morning for surgery. By the time I get there, he's gone.

Jake Malinak

Oh, John. I'm sorry.

Dr. John Becker

No, he's not dead! He's gone! They lost him! They physically lost the entire person! Oh, yeah, they keep track of their $25 aspirin there, $40 Q-tips, but apparently poor, unconscious Mr. Barelli was just a little too slippery for them! But at least it was all worthwhile. When I got Mr. Barelli up to his room, he found the perfect way to thank me. Threw up all over my shoes.

Dr. John Becker

Know what I'm doing right now?

Jake Malinak

Hm?

Dr. John Becker

Giving you the finger.

Jake Malinak

John, I'm blind, I'm poor and I'm running a newsstand in the Bronx. God gave me the finger long before you ever did.

Dr. John Becker

You know, I can't help but notice you're acting a little- what's that word you used, Jake? Oh, yeah. Bitchy.

Jake Malinak

I never said that. I agree, but I never said that.

Dr. John Becker

You guys see the paper this morning?

Jake Malinak

John, we keep going over this. I'm blind. I haven't seen anything for five years.

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, well it's unbelievable. Some kid in West Virginia gets a bad grade, grabs his daddy's rifle and shoots out his teacher's tyres. Another slice of Americana brought to you by those card-carrying lunatics who think they're defending the Second Amendment! Lord knows when I want the Constitution explained to me, the first place I turn to is some toothless cretin with a third-grade education and an Elmer Fudd cap! Not that I have anything against hunting; if it makes you feel more like a man to blow Bambi's head off, knock yourself out! Just lock up the damn gun so when little Billy Bob, you know, flunks gym, he doesn't throw a hissy fit and take out half the faculty!

Jake Malinak

Reg, we gotta get to the paper before he does so we can cut out everything that'll piss him off!

That pretty much leaves the weather and Charlie Brown.

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, you know I hate that pathetic little clod! How hard is it to kick a damn football?!

[about Becker] Oh I hate it when he's like that!

Jake Malinak

Smug?

No, breathing!

Look, Jake, not that I don't enjoy this sucking up, but if you want the hockey ticket, you're gonna have to do better than this; after all, there are other men in my life! [Bob walks in]

Hello, losers! That's right, Bob's back! [Reggie rolls her eyes]

I've got to get a bug-zapper in here!

Notice anything different about Bob?

[indifferent] You shed a layer of skin!?

You're closer than you think. Bob had a makeover; I've been loofahed, polished, waxed and buffed to a high sheen! I've had a facial, and for the first time in the salon's history, a back-al! I'll show you later!

Jake Malinak

Thank God I'm blind!

Reggie

You know Becker, I hate Valentine's Day too.

Becker

Woah! You and I agree on something?

Reggie

I know, it scares me too! But you're right; all the pressure- 'Will I get a date?', 'Won't I get a date?', 'Gotta get a date', 'Didn't get a date'- who needs it?

Jake

Congratulations John, you just claimed another soul!