(repeated line)
MCMultiple Characters
What's that?
It's my air horn.
“Take These Pills and Shove 'Em” · Season 1
In this episode: Dr. John Becker (12), Margaret (4), Patient (3), Linda (2), Jake Malinak (1), Reggie Kostas (1)
My car broke down, so I had to take the bus. Have you done that lately? It's like being in an ethanol-powered Fellini film. The first thing I see is some woman breastfeeding her son- her ADULT son. Behind them is someone in this lovely Chanel evening gown who's either an unattractive man or really unattractive woman. The only seat I could find was next to some guy who claims he's Moses. He may well have been, too. He smelled like some guy who'd been dead for 3,000 years.
Mrs. Cooper called at 11:00 last night. She didn't want to alarm us, but she wasn't sure she would make it through the night. 7:00 this morning, Mrs. Cooper called again. Apparently, she made it. 8:15, Mrs. Cooper called...
She's here, isn't she?
Room two.
All right, give me the TV Guide. Let's see what we're dealing with.
Already checked. There were two movies of the week last night. Lindsey Wagner had kidney failure and Patty Duke was going deaf. Usual bet?
Fine. I'll take deafness, you've got renal shutdown. [Enters exam room] Mrs. Cooper, how are we doing today?
Excuse me, doctor. Could you speak up?
(yells out to Margaret) Patty Duke!
Damn!
(to a patient) Oh, they're sending you up for and MRI. Hope you're not claustrophobic. 'Cause, you know, they slide you into this long, dark tube, and you can't move. It's like, the walls are closing in, and then, there's this horrible, deafening, pounding noise, and you scream, and you scream but nobody can hear you. And then you wonder, 'what if there's a power failure, and I get stuck in here?!' It's like that movie where that guy was buried alive. What was that called? Oh, right! Buried Alive! And then, there's Buried Alive 2! How many movies must these people make before people learn?
Linda, I'll finish up here. Why don't you go find something else to do?
Okay. (to the patient) Hope you make it.
Mr. Lyles, relax. An MRI is nothing to be afraid of. (quietly) But you sure won't catch me in one.
(whispering) Dr. Becker, do you need any help?
(whispers) No.
(still whispering) Are you sure?
(whispers) Yes.
Oh, no. I am going deaf! I can hardly hear either one of you!
That's because we were whispering.
What don't you want me to know?
While I'm here, there was something on the news last night about five warning signs. I definitely have three of them: fatigue, sore joints, and disorientation.
Hold on. Five warning signs for what?
I don't know. I walked into the room after the program started. I just have this feeling that something's terribly wrong with me.
Well, no argument here.
(to Mr. Marino, who claims he "forgot" to take his medications) You remembered to keep smoking.
MMr. Marino
Who says I'm smoking?
You're a lying, smoking bastard! I know because I'm one, too. Look, right now, you're being stupid. Do you want to be stupid and dead?
MMr. Marino
You use that mouth with all your patients?
Only the stupid ones! It's real simple, Mr. Marino: You're walking across the street. A bus is coming at you. I'm trying to help you get out of the way. Even a five year-old is smart enough to do that. You think you might take directions as well as a five year-old?
MMr. Marino
You know what? I got some directions for you, pal! Why don't you go straight to Hell, take a left at Up Yours, and then make a right at Kiss my Ass!
(on the phone) Well, when Mr. Marino gets back to the office, tell him to call Dr. Becker, please. (pause) He told you to tell me that? Well, I'm a doctor, and that's not physically possible.
You're dealing with people, John. Sometimes you have to be a little tactful.
I don't have time to be tactful, Margaret! Am I wrong, here? A guy's crossing the street, a bus is about to hit him, I yell at him to watch out!
You keep yelling at me like that, I'm going to shove you in front of that bus, climb inside, get behind the wheel and back up over you again!
You'd really back over me?
Only to put you out of your misery.
Hey, Jake. Let me ask you something. Say you're crossing the street and some guy yells at you because you're about to be hit by a bus.
What street?
What's the difference?
Well, John, I'm tying to help you here, so...
All right, fine, fine. Fourth and Road. You happy? The point is...
Is it a local or an express?
What difference does it make?
Well, I want to know how fast it's going. Now, if it's a local, I know it's going to stop, but if it's an express, it's just going to come barreling through--
I don't know what kind of bus it is, all right?
Okay, fine, fine. So, I'm crossing the street, and here comes some kind of bus which may or may not be going fast enough to hit me.
Okay, you know what? The bus was going faster than I thought! You're dead!
Why does it always have to be the blind black guy crossing the street?
Oh, all right! Fine, Jake! It's a white guy crossing the street!
Now we're talkin'! Is he big and slow?
He's me! Okay?! I'm crossing the street!
Oh, well that's easy. The bus hits you and nobody calls for help because everyone in this neighborhood knows you.
(to Mrs. Marino) I know why you want to kill him. (to Mr. Marino) And now I know why you want to die. Best of luck to both of you.
(answers phone) Hello? Excuse me? Am I interested in changing my long distance carrier? (blows air horn into the phone) Thanks for calling.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Becker pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.