Dr. John Becker quotes from Becker

I smashed my hand!

Dr. John Becker

Oh, why does everything happen to me?

Dr. John Becker

Linda, help Theresa catch that kid! And find me those damn bandages!

Linda

What about the kid?

Dr. John Becker

First, do what I tell you then do what I told you!

Linda

You know, yelling doesn't solve anything!

Dr. John Becker

OH, YES IT DOES! IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!

Dr. John Becker

You're fine, Jake. Just don't listen to any more of that astrology crap.

Jake Malinak

Yeah, I guess you're right. Although, I am an Ares and she did say that that's a fire sign--

Dr. John Becker

Oh, get out!

Margaret

(sees all the boxes in the office) What the hell happened here?

Dr. John Becker

(long pause) Okay, here's the thing...

[confused] Fruit!? You don't eat fruit, you hate fruit!

Dr. John Becker

Look, you don't want my business, there are plenty of places that'll give me fruit without an argument!

Sorry! I'm just so used to you eating wrong.

Dr. John Becker

Of course I eat wrong; I eat here!

Dr. John Becker

Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.

Its a rubber band.

Dr. John Becker

Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it every time I feel angry.

Jake Malinak

Doesn't that hurt?

Dr. John Becker

Yes.

Jake Malinak

Won't that make you more angry?

Dr. John Becker

Shut up.

Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.

Linda

I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.

Dr. John Becker

Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?

Linda

Wow, it's like you read my mind.

Dr. John Becker

Some are easier than others.

Linda

I have a message for you.

Margaret

Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?

Linda

Wow, you people are freakin' scary.

Dr. John Becker

I won't tell her if you won't tell her.

Dr. John Becker

Uh-Linda?

Yes?

Dr. John Becker

I meant Linda.

Yes?

Margaret

You're both named Linda?

Yes.

Dr. John Becker

I just had that creepy feeling I had in medical school watching the cell divide.

Doesn't what she did piss you off?

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.

Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.

Dr. John Becker

Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.

Linda

You had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget yesterday you said you wanted to kill him.

Dr. John Becker

If I was capable of killing someone would you still be alive?

Linda

[to Margaret] He didn't do it.

Becker

What's the matter with you people? I didn't kill that guy.

[coming out of phone booth] Hey, Becker, you know that guy you killed? I just got his job.

Becker

I didn't kill anybody, Bob! What'd you just say?

I'm your new super.

Becker

But Alexei just died this morning. How could you even know about the job?

I owe it all to Linda.

Becker

Linda helped you? My Linda?

If, by "help", you mean left your office as soon as she heard the old super croaked, ran to your building, gave them my resume--which, by the way, she wrote--acted as a reference, and wouldn't leave until they agreed to hire me, then, yeah, she helped!

Becker

But you don't know anything about being a super!

What's to know? Jake can do it, for crying out loud!

Jake

Hey!

Not to mention it's the deal of a lifetime--good salary, free apartment, and I get to sit on my ass all day and pretend I don't speak English. It's what I was born to do!

Becker

This can't be happening.

Don't worry. Whatever you need, day or night, my door is always open, and thanks to my new passkey, so is yours.

Reggie

Jake, do you realize what this means?

Jake

Yeah, Bob has someplace else to go.

Reggie

Hey, this could be great for business! I could make a working man's special!

Becker

Why don't you make a John Becker special?

Reggie

Oh, I would, except for who'd buy a sandwich made of crap, bologna and bullsh--

Becker

Hey!

Dr. John Becker

[checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker.

Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.

Dr. John Becker

Uh, why don't we just talk first.

Okay.

Dr. John Becker

[checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?

No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.

Dr. John Becker

Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?

No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...

Dr. John Becker

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?

Hey, some of the other people there ate rats.

Dr. John Becker

Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?

It was for "Survivor."

Dr. John Becker

"Survivor?"

You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.

Dr. John Becker

Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?

Well, I won.

Dr. John Becker

Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?

A million dollars?

Dr. John Becker

Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...

Dr. John Becker

I woke up to the fact that as a healthcare professional, its insane for me to go on smoking.

They raise the price of cigarettes again?

Dr. John Becker

Yeah. $4.50 a pack!