Dr. John Becker quotes from Becker

Dr. John Becker

You can't replace me with just anybody! My patients trust me, they know me!

Margaret

They certainly do; the police are checking them out as possible suspects!

Dr. John Becker

Stop flapping your lips, get my stuff and let's go!

[exasperated] Why exactly did you save his life?

Had to; took an oath. Why'd you volunteer to take him home?

Had to; lost a coin toss.

Dr. John Becker

Where have you been? I'm out here talking to myself.

Well, it must be nice to have someone to agree with you for a change.

Dr. John Becker

Psychology, yeah, right. How hard can it be? "Hi. You hate your mother. That'll be a hundred bucks."

As opposed to, "Get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids, that'll be a hundred-fifty?"

Dr. John Becker

Let me guess: long hair, sandals, has the pretentious college kid smirk you want to smack off with a baseball bat?

Geez, Becker, you never even met him. It's like you pre-hate him.

Dr. John Becker

Saves time.

Dr. John Becker

Just so you know, the only reason why he's helping you is because he wants to sleep with you.

Now, why would you say something like that?

Dr. John Becker

He's a college kid. Basically, that's a penis with a backpack.

Jake

I might be running into some health problems. You see, I met this girl who's into astrology, right? She told me--

Dr. John Becker

Astrology! Congratulations, Reg. Psychology just moved up a notch.

Becker, astrology goes back thousands of years.

Dr. John Becker

Thousands years ago, people were crapping in their hats.

Dr. John Becker

So, how are you feeling?

Patient

Good. But that's the problem. I read this article about people who can't feel pain, and I've been feeling fine lately. So, that got me thinking: what if I'm one of those people? I mean, I could be in excruciating pain right now and not even know it.

Dr. John Becker

Walter, that condition's called hyposensitivity, and I seriously doubt if you have it.

Patient

Well, I'd like to know for sure. Isn't there some kind of test you can run?

Dr. John Becker

(hits him with a reflex hammer, to which he yells in pain)

Patient

What if I do get that disease? How will I know?

Dr. John Becker

All right. Here. (gives him the reflex hammer) Home test kit.

Do you want 'em all right here?

Dr. John Becker

No, no, why don't you leave the truck outside for a couple of months and if I need anything, I'll just go out and get it?

Dr. John Becker

Am I the only one in this neighborhood who remembers that we're all here to help each other?

Dr. Becker?

Dr. John Becker

Oh, what now?!

Dr. John Becker

What happened?

Jimmy hit Sean with his hockey stick and cut his cheek.

Dr. John Becker

Don't you kids ever do this kind of stuff on weekends?

Linda

Okay, here's the thing--

Dr. John Becker

No no no NO MORE THINGS!

Dr. John Becker

Don't tell me you didn't order any bandages.

Linda

I ordered ten thousand. I'm just not sure where they are.

Dr. John Becker

Well, here's a good idea: LOOK!

Dr. John Becker

Linda, will you answer that damn phone?

Linda

Oh, all right. [answers phone] Hello, damn doctor's office!