(Becker turns on the TV)
WOWoman on TV
Hi. I'm Tiffany. I want to tell you things I've never told anyone. Hot, nasty, thi--
(changes channel)
WOWoman on TV
You want firm, tasty, sexy fun? I mean, just look at these!
(changes channel)
WOWoman on TV
Jerry, I don't think nymphomaniac is a big enough word to describe me.
(changes channel)
RReporter
And in our final story tonight, we'd like to wish a special happy birthday to Hazel Meyers. Today, the oldest woman in New York is 106 years old.
Dr. John BeckerAnd not lookin' to bad, either.
Dr. John Becker
Jake, let me give you a little tip: whatever you do, never, ever, go to a hospital. You got a problem, throw yourself in front of a train. It's quicker, it's cheaper and it's a hell of a lot less paperwork. Patient of mine went to this morning for surgery. By the time I get there, he's gone.
Dr. John Becker
No, he's not dead! He's gone! They lost him! They physically lost the entire person! Oh, yeah, they keep track of their $25 aspirin there, $40 Q-tips, but apparently poor, unconscious Mr. Barelli was just a little too slippery for them! But at least it was all worthwhile. When I got Mr. Barelli up to his room, he found the perfect way to thank me. Threw up all over my shoes.
Hey doc, are we playing chess today or should I just go screw myself?
Dr. John Becker
Nah.. we'll finish the game. Aha! Got your rook!
Dr. John Becker
You beat me, how did you do that?
I have a nephew, 38, we have to pin his bus pass to his sleeve, he could beat you.
[Becker walks into the diner]
Dr. John Becker
You guys see the paper this morning?
John, we keep going over this. I'm blind. I haven't seen anything for five years.
Dr. John Becker
Yeah, well it's unbelievable. Some kid in West Virginia gets a bad grade, grabs his daddy's rifle and shoots out his teacher's tyres. Another slice of Americana brought to you by those card-carrying lunatics who think they're defending the Second Amendment! Lord knows when I want the Constitution explained to me, the first place I turn to is some toothless cretin with a third-grade education and an Elmer Fudd cap! Not that I have anything against hunting; if it makes you feel more like a man to blow Bambi's head off, knock yourself out! Just lock up the damn gun so when little Billy Bob, you know, flunks gym, he doesn't throw a hissy fit and take out half the faculty!
Reg, we gotta get to the paper before he does so we can cut out everything that'll piss him off!
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
That pretty much leaves the weather and Charlie Brown.
Dr. John Becker
Yeah, you know I hate that pathetic little clod! How hard is it to kick a damn football?!
[Linda wants to rename the exam rooms A, B and C and put the patients in them according to the letter of their ailment]
Dr. John Becker
There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?
Dr. John Becker
Pregnancy?
Dr. John Becker': "B" for baby.
Dr. John Becker
X-ray?
[Becker opens his door to two Jehovah's Witnesses]
JSJehovah's Witness
Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
John Becker
Depends. Are you two gonna be there?
JSJehovah's Witness
Why yes- [Becker slams the door]'
You know Becker, I hate Valentine's Day too.
Becker
Woah! You and I agree on something?
I know, it scares me too! But you're right; all the pressure- 'Will I get a date?', 'Won't I get a date?', 'Gotta get a date', 'Didn't get a date'- who needs it?
Congratulations John, you just claimed another soul!
[Fred is in John's apartment, trying to get his son to talk to him and going about it as if it were a sales pitch]
John Becker
[annoyed] Cut the crap, will you!? I'm not a customer; I'm your son! I don't wanna joke, I don't want a pen! Every few years, you show up and we do this ridiculous little dance! You wanna talk to me, talk to me!
FBFred Becker
What do you want to talk about?
John Becker
No, no, no, no! This time, we're really gonna talk!...I was eleven years old. Why'd you leave?
FBFred Becker
[solemn] Ok, Johnny. Here it is; your mother and I were completely wrong for each other. All we ever did was argue. It got to the place where I took any kind of a job, just to get out of town. Your mother finally got fed up and...told me to keep going.
John Becker
I didn't ask you to leave! I didn't argue with you, why didn't you at least come back and see me!?
FBFred Becker
Because your mother asked me not to. [John looks stunned] You didn't know that, did you? And yes, I could've insisted I have a bigger part in your life, but I didn't. I took the easy way out and I regret it.
John Becker
[shocked] She asked you to---?
FBFred Becker
Don't blame her; she was afraid I'd be a bad influence on you. [chuckles] Back in those days, she wasn't entirely wrong. I was...[pause] I took time to look in on you now and again; I saw one of your high school basketball games and...I was there when you graduated from med school.
John Becker
I know. I saw you. What was with the lime-green leisure suit?
FBFred Becker
It was the 70's! Give me a break!
[Watching a TV program]
Becker
Oh please! She's no doctor! She's no writer, hell, she's not even a real blonde!
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
Come on, Becker! How could you know anything about her!?
Becker
She's my ex-wife!
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
GET OUT OF HERE! She's your ex-wife? Jake, you gotta see this!
Becker · 252 quotes
