Dr. John Becker quotes from Becker

What's that?

Dr. John Becker

It's my air horn.

Margaret

Mrs. Cooper called at 11:00 last night. She didn't want to alarm us, but she wasn't sure she would make it through the night. 7:00 this morning, Mrs. Cooper called again. Apparently, she made it. 8:15, Mrs. Cooper called...

Dr. John Becker

She's here, isn't she?

Margaret

Room two.

Dr. John Becker

All right, give me the TV Guide. Let's see what we're dealing with.

Margaret

Already checked. There were two movies of the week last night. Lindsey Wagner had kidney failure and Patty Duke was going deaf. Usual bet?

Dr. John Becker

Fine. I'll take deafness, you've got renal shutdown. [Enters exam room] Mrs. Cooper, how are we doing today?

Patient

Excuse me, doctor. Could you speak up?

Dr. John Becker

(yells out to Margaret) Patty Duke!

Margaret

Damn!

Linda

(whispering) Dr. Becker, do you need any help?

Dr. John Becker

(whispers) No.

Linda

(still whispering) Are you sure?

Dr. John Becker

(whispers) Yes.

Patient

Oh, no. I am going deaf! I can hardly hear either one of you!

Dr. John Becker

That's because we were whispering.

Patient

What don't you want me to know?

Patient

While I'm here, there was something on the news last night about five warning signs. I definitely have three of them: fatigue, sore joints, and disorientation.

Dr. John Becker

Hold on. Five warning signs for what?

Patient

I don't know. I walked into the room after the program started. I just have this feeling that something's terribly wrong with me.

Dr. John Becker

Well, no argument here.

Dr. John Becker

(to Mr. Marino, who claims he "forgot" to take his medications) You remembered to keep smoking.

Who says I'm smoking?

Dr. John Becker

You're a lying, smoking bastard! I know because I'm one, too. Look, right now, you're being stupid. Do you want to be stupid and dead?

You use that mouth with all your patients?

Dr. John Becker

Only the stupid ones! It's real simple, Mr. Marino: You're walking across the street. A bus is coming at you. I'm trying to help you get out of the way. Even a five year-old is smart enough to do that. You think you might take directions as well as a five year-old?

You know what? I got some directions for you, pal! Why don't you go straight to Hell, take a left at Up Yours, and then make a right at Kiss my Ass!

Margaret

You're dealing with people, John. Sometimes you have to be a little tactful.

Dr. John Becker

I don't have time to be tactful, Margaret! Am I wrong, here? A guy's crossing the street, a bus is about to hit him, I yell at him to watch out!

Margaret

You keep yelling at me like that, I'm going to shove you in front of that bus, climb inside, get behind the wheel and back up over you again!

Dr. John Becker

You'd really back over me?

Margaret

Only to put you out of your misery.

Dr. John Becker

Hey, Jake. Let me ask you something. Say you're crossing the street and some guy yells at you because you're about to be hit by a bus.

Jake Malinak

What street?

Dr. John Becker

What's the difference?

Jake Malinak

Well, John, I'm tying to help you here, so...

Dr. John Becker

All right, fine, fine. Fourth and Road. You happy? The point is...

Jake Malinak

Is it a local or an express?

Dr. John Becker

What difference does it make?

Jake Malinak

Well, I want to know how fast it's going. Now, if it's a local, I know it's going to stop, but if it's an express, it's just going to come barreling through--

Dr. John Becker

I don't know what kind of bus it is, all right?

Jake Malinak

Okay, fine, fine. So, I'm crossing the street, and here comes some kind of bus which may or may not be going fast enough to hit me.

Dr. John Becker

Okay, you know what? The bus was going faster than I thought! You're dead!

Jake Malinak

Why does it always have to be the blind black guy crossing the street?

Dr. John Becker

Oh, all right! Fine, Jake! It's a white guy crossing the street!

Jake Malinak

Now we're talkin'! Is he big and slow?

Dr. John Becker

He's me! Okay?! I'm crossing the street!

Reggie

Oh, well that's easy. The bus hits you and nobody calls for help because everyone in this neighborhood knows you.

Dr. John Becker

Hey, M.J. How are you doing?

Where do babies come from?

Dr. John Becker

(pause) Europe.

My brother told me if I see a girl naked then she's going to have a baby. Yesterday, I saw my cousin Francene naked. I don't have it big with her. She's mean.

Dr. John Becker

Well, they all are, kid.

Come on my other doctor wouldn't prescribe anymore, I need this stuff! With Viagra I'm like a 17 years old boy again.

Dr. John Becker

Look, Viagra is a treatment for a specific and a very serious condition. Ever since it came out, I have had every middle age lothario with hair growing out of his ears sleazing in here begging for a booster shot. Do you think I'm gonna hand you a loaded gun so you can go out on a rampage? You're outta your mind pall!

Come on! Doc! I was married for 15 years, I feel like I've been on the bench forever now I'm back in the game. Please doc, give me the bat!

Dr. John Becker

You just ruined baseball for me, you know that?

Hey, doc? When was the last time you got it serviced?

Dr. John Becker

Excuse me?

Your system. How long's it been since you blew your pipes out?

Dr. John Becker

So, where's the problem?

Patient

See this thing on the back of my neck? It's like this all over. Between my breasts, my thighs. Do you want me take my clothes off?

Dr. John Becker

Hold it, hold it. We'll just work our way down. No, I mean, take our time. Take this-- no.

Patient

See, I've got to keep my skin perfect. I'm a dancer.

Dr. John Becker

Ah! Broadway?

Patient

No. Lap.

I'm glad you got me over here, doc. Your system is getting ready to blow!

Dr. John Becker

Stay away from me!