Dr. John Becker quotes from Becker

Becker

You know how it is when you're married; you have those cute little nicknames for each other.

So what's your name for her?

Becker

"Castrating bitch from Hell"!

Sounds like you're still carrying a torch for her.

Becker

Yeah, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

Becker

Look partner, she's gonna be fine! Why don't you just call your office? Maybe there's someone who missed getting screwed today!

I really resent that!

Becker

Well then my work is done!

And you said I wasn't fair to you.

Becker

Oh come on, that don't count, he's a lawyer. I actually look forward to the day we can hunt them!

Becker

Have you ever been robbed?

Margaret

Oh please, I have lived in New York my whole life. I was held up on Prom Night...by my date!

Hey, Doc!

Dr. John Becker

Hey, dork!

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!

Jake Malinak

Oh God! Thanks a lot, John!

Dr. John Becker

[chuckling] Couldn't resist!

What is it with guys and tearing clothes off!? Don't you ever dream of unbuttoning clothes and neatly folding them over a chair?

Jake Malinak

Look Reg, I'm really sorry. It was just a dream!

Ah, no big deal. But do me a favour: next time you have a dream about us, can it be somewhere exotic? Even in your dreams, I can't get out of this lousy diner!

By the way, what's the cat's name?

Dr. John Becker

It doesn't have a name.

You must love him very much.

Dr. John Becker

Fine! Put down Harvey Cohen.

You're naming the cat after me?

Dr. John Becker

Why not? It'll be easy for you to give up on a Muffin or Mittens, but you might have to think twice before you pull the plug on Harvey Cohen.

Linda

Well, I would, but I have to be downtown by 6, and I don't wanna be late for my best friend's wedding 'cause there's a real good chance she could go into labour.

Becker

Well, fine, fine. Margaret, please?

Margaret

Now, I would, but I've got a helpless animal of my own at home, and we are having dinner with his parents tonight.

Becker

Fine. You know, fine. Like I don't have enough two-legged patients to take care of around here! Open up the ark, you know, let in all the animals! Between Mrs. Kramer's cataracts and Mr. Santiago's arthritis, I suppose I could fit in a grooming and the occasional flea dip. [under his breath to Linda as he takes the cat from her] Actually, you know, some of our patients could use a good flea dip.

[as Becker walks into the diner] Oh, Becker, Margaret called and said Harvey Cohen needs more tests.

Dr. John Becker

[annoyed] Oh, screw Harvey Cohen! I've had it with him; if he dies, he dies! [Reggie and Jake look shocked by this outburst]

What?

Dr. John Becker

Well he's at least fourteen or fifteen years old, he's lived long enough! Can I get some coffee to go, Reg? [he sees her and Jake's mortified expressions] He's a cat, for God's sake! Snuck into my office and somehow, I got stuck taking care of him.

Dr. John Becker

What's with the toothpick? What are you, Neil Armstrong, claiming this burger in the name of all mankind?

It's a garnish! Sue me, I'm trying to give the place a lift!

Dr. John Becker

Well if that's what you're after, why don't you try scraping the grime off the walls and emptying the dead bugs out of the light fixtures?

Jake Malinak

I dunno, John, it kinda dresses things up! I like it!

Dr. John Becker

Like it? You can't even see it! You didn't think of that, did you Reggie!? I mean, Jake here could put his eye out with one of these things, or I could puncture the roof of my mouth!

This puncture, would it shut you up for a couple of days!?

Becker

[honking at the car in front] Come on, come on! If you're gonna drive that slow, you shouldn't be on the road!

Margaret

John, it's a hearse.

Becker

Just because it's too late for him doesn't mean he has to ruin it for the rest of us.

Becker

Why is it the good patients always die and the pain-in-the-asses go on and on?

Margaret

Yeah, why is that?

Becker

You gotta accept it, Jake; as soon as you get involved with a woman, it's only a matter of time before you're the next contestant on "Guess Why I'm Mad".

Jake

Yeah, that's on right before "All I Do For You And This Is The Thanks I Get".

Dr. John Becker

Tetzloff, you are a lying, bottom feeding, low-life publicity whore!

Dr. Becker, please. Come in. Sit down. [ushers Becker into a chair]

Dr. John Becker

What? No, I don't want to talk on the radio -

This'll be fine, seriously. Sit down. [into the radio mike] This is great. We have John Becker here, the racist doctor Mr. Tetzloff wrote about. [to Becker] Go ahead. You're on the air. Talk. Talk into the mike.

Dr. John Becker

All right. This guy took a private conversation and he turned it into something that it wasn't.

Tetzloff

Well, then maybe you could tell me what it was. You said to an Asian man, "You people can't drive."

Dr. John Becker

Yes, yes. You people, as in, you lousy drivers. I didn't care where he came from. All I cared about was where he was going, which was into the side of my car! I never said he was a bad driver because he was Asian.

Tetzloff

So you do believe Asian Americans are bad drivers?

Dr. John Becker

I never said that they are bad drivers!

Tetzloff

"They?"

Dr. John Becker

Oh, come on! This is stupid!

Tetzloff

Isn't "they" just a racist code word? Another way of saying "those people?"

Dr. John Becker

"They" is not a code word. "They" is a pronoun. We can't use pronouns anymore?

Tetzloff

And by "we," you mean white Americans just like you?

Dr. John Becker

Oh, come on. White Americans. Do you believe this?

I love this! This is like a real show!

Caller, you're on the air.

Yeah, hi, Phil. Long time listener, first time caller. Guys like this doctor make me sick. Can I have a T-shirt?

Good point. No shirt.

Dr. John Becker

This woman just proves what everything I've been saying for years, that the only thing dumber than talk radio listeners are talk radio callers. It's an entire audience made up of the infirm, the unemployed, and the insane.

Tetzloff

So, with one sweeping generality, you smeared this man's entire audience.

[covers microphone] It's okay. He's right.