Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Check it out, they do this really cool dance coming up here.

Beavis

Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?

Butt-head

No, that's just hockey.

Butt-head

I think they're singing about a car.

Beavis

See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [begins "singing"] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um...It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um...

Butt-head

Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?

Beavis

What's cool about it?

Butt-head

It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.

Beavis

You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uhhhh...damn it Beavis, just shut up!

Beavis

Hey, Butthead...Would you like to dance? Nananananana!

Beavis

Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [Hums along with bass line] See?

Butt-head

I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?

Beavis

[singing along] Sold my fo-chun...Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?

Butt-head

I think it's one of those beds that folds into a couch.

Beavis

Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?

Butt-head

'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!

Butt-head

Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.

Beavis

Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!

Butt-head

I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like Urkel.

Beavis

I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7" or something.

Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to...

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Sometimes I try to do things, and it doesn't work out the ways I want it to, and...

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis!

...it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out...

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, people always say "Hey Beavis. Beavis, we know you've been having a lot of problems".

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis!

Beavis

Yeah, but it's just, I get all frustrated, and I start, like, kicking stuff and burning things, and...

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis! I feel your pain.

Beavis

Yeah, me too.

...I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me...

Butt-head

This dude's under a lot of stress.

Beavis

[ranting] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, people say "Hey Beavis, maybe we can talk about it, you'll feel better". I say "Just leave me alone, and I'll figure it out by myself", and they keep saying "Beavis, Beavis", and like, I don't know what to do...

Butt-head

Come on, shut up, Beavis! About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it.

Beavis

Oh yeah. This is cool.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, is there a chick in this band?

Butt-head

Uhh, well I think that bass player has boobs.

Beavis

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Butt-head

Well there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.

Beavis

Seems like all these bands now have chick bass players

Butt-head

Uhh...wait a minute, that's not a chick. That's a puppet. These are all puppets!

Beavis

Um...uh, yeah. Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet. Check this out. [high-pitched voice] Hello everybody! We're gonna have fun today!

Butt-head

Damn it Beavis, pull your pants up!

Butt-head

Whoa! That looks like that dude from Planet of the Apes.

Beavis

That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?

Butt-head

Yeah. Those guys were wussies.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn't take that, if they did that to me, I'd be kickin' monkey ass all over the place.

Butt-head

Yeah. Monkeys.

Beavis

You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they're always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.

Butt-head

Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can't play drums.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.

Butt-head

Is this the Monkees?

Beavis

They look like butt-monkeys. Is this that episode where they go to the dude ranch?

Butt-head

Uhh, you're thinking of Happy Days, dumbass.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Heyy, sit on it. Sit on my butt.

Butt-head

That reminds me of this joke. There's this dude and he like, meets this slut in a bar, and they're like, uhh, going back to her place. But then like, he, uhh, can't find his keys. But then he needs like a flashlight, and then he says, "Help me find my keys and we can drive outta here."

Beavis

Um, heh. I don't get it.

Butt-head

She was a slut.

Beavis

Oh yeah! [they both chuckle]

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, is that like, from that City Slickers movie?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. Remember that one part where that guy like, sticks his hand up that cow's butt?

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah! And then like, he pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.

Butt-head

Beavis, that wasn't a dog. That was like, uhh, a big rabbit.

Beavis

Um... is that guy dead, or is he just like, sleeping?

Butt-head

I don't know, but either way it's cool.

I'm having visions of how we used to hang and bang...

Beavis

Hanging and banging...

How the fuck do you sposed to stack papers...

Beavis

Stacking papers, you know...

Beavis

I'm lost.