Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. Are these guys from Seattle?

Butt-head

No, assmunch. They're American.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

Cool!

Beavis

Yeah. Hey, Butt-head, Ozzy bit off the head of a cow once.

Butt-head

Yeah. That was cool! Milk poured out of his neck.

Beavis

How come it seems like every video now has a little kid in it?

Butt-head

Uhh, you got some kind of problem with kids, Beavis?

Beavis

Um, yeah, I do! They're always, like, laughing at me when I'm not looking. Yeah.

Butt-head

Uhh, grown-ups do that too, Beavis. 'Cause you're a dumbass dork.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head.

Butt-head

How come there's always sperm in videos now?

Beavis

Yeah, I don't know, um...

Butt-head

I think, like, the band makes the video, and then like, the executives come in and say, "Uhh...well, it's pretty cool, but uh, could you put some sperm in there somewhere?"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, really. You know, um, I could provide 'em with, um--

Butt-head

Beavis, stop it!

Butt-head

Oh no, this is Blind Melon! Did you know all these guys are blind?

Beavis

No way, really?

Butt-head

Yeah. I saw it on MTV News.

Beavis

Whoa, I'll be damned! You know the cool thing about being blind, is that, like, if a crappy video comes on, you don't have to watch it, see?

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah. Okay, Beavis.

Butt-head

What's this crap?

Beavis

Yeah. This chick looks like that one porno star.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis, that's that chick from that Hairspray movie.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

Look at this dork!

Beavis

Yeah. What is this, Battle of the Dorks?

Butt-head

I think we have a winner.

Beavis

I think we have a wiener.

Butt-head

This looks like one of those commercials for K-tel Records.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

"Hey, Beavis! I hear disco is making a comeback!"

Beavis

Yeah. "Just dial 1-800-WUSS!"

Butt-head

Whoa! This sucks!

Beavis

Yeah. And it sucks, too.

Butt-head

That's what I said! Bumwipe.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

She's pretty friendly for a chick with a Mohawk.

Beavis

Yeah. Chicks with Mohawks are cool.

Butt-head

Does she want candy?

Beavis

Yeah. She wants a Baby Ruth and some Starburst.

Butt-head

And some wacky wafers.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, check this out. (Mocking Garth Brooks singing in warbled voice) "Somewheeere It never should beeeeeeeeen~!

Beavis

It looks like a zombie.

Butt-head

Yeah... (Mocking the singer in warbled voice again) THUNDER ROOOOOOOOOOLL~! Whatever happened to country songs about whisky, drinkin', and butt-kicking?

Beavis

Yes! This song kicks ass! Yeah! The video kicks ass, too.

Butt-head

Uhhh... what? What did you just say?

Beavis

[stuttering] Err, I didn't say anything.

Butt-head

Uhh... I thought I heard you say "this kicks ass." Did you say that, Beavis?

Beavis

No no, I was talking about something else.

Butt-head

Don't lie to me, Beavis. I heard you loud and clear.

Beavis

[stuttering] I was just joking, Butt-head. You know, just saying "this kicks ass," but it sucks, you know? I was just being like... iconic or... you know who sucks the worst, is J-Hope. Yeah. He doesn't even have the positive attitude you know, like Suga.

Butt-head

You know their names??? What the hell has gotten into you, Beavis?!

Beavis

[defensive] I was kidding, Butt-head, I don't like these guys! I just said they suck! You know, I just um, I just know their names... because I hate 'em so much, that's all.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm going to leave now. I'm gonna leave you with your... uh, seven, or eight...or 15, BTS, boy band, dudes. [leaves the room]

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, I- I just wasn't paying attention or something, come on... [starts to dance to the song]

Butt-head

[coming back into the room to see Beavis twerking and dancing] You know, Beavis, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed- Jesus Christ, Beavis!

Beavis

[flustered] Come on, Butt-head, I-I-I was just...

Butt-head

What the hell is going on in here?!

Beavis

I was just thinking about something else.

Butt-head

Beavis, I wish I'd walked in here and you were taking a dump on the couch. Or doing homework. Anything would be better than that.

Beavis

Okay, okay...

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Beavis

I think this is my house though.

Butt-head

Not anymore, Beavis.

Beavis

Okay. [leaves the room] I'll just come back later.

Butt-head

No. Never come back. Bunghole.

Beavis

Whoa! All those like, crystal things and those funguses look really cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. If nature looked like this, maybe I wouldn't hate it so much.

Beavis

Yeah, I hate the forest.