Joker quotes from Batman: The Animated Series

Poison Ivy

[as Joker changes the channel in the TV] Hey, I was watching that.

Joker

And now you're watching this.

Poison Ivy

Change it back.

Joker

Nope, nope, nope, nope, don't want to.

Poison Ivy

Guard.

What's the problem?

Joker

Don't look now, Sonny Jim, but the plant lady's gone whackers again.

Poison Ivy

He started it. I was just sitting here.

Joker

That's right, you're always blaming me. And the children wonder why we fight.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the Joker's Wild!

Summer Gleeson

Ugh, that is disgusting.

Psst, Summer. We're on the air.

Summer Gleeson

' Oh Uh... there you have it. Let's get a reaction from the guests. Mr. Wayne?

Bruce Wayne

No comment.

Summer Gleeson

Mr. Kaiser, why build a casino seemingly in honor of one of history's most notorious outlaws?

Summer, please. Wild Joker is a classic symbol, long associated with cards and games. I can't help it if there's a some passing resemblance to some criminal fruitcake.

Joker

How dare that smug, preening fool try to cash in on MY image!

Poison Ivy

Now who should lighten up?

Joker

Don't get cute with me, Red. He's ripping me off! I'll protest! Yeah! I'll sue! Then I'll rip his lungs out! And I will, too!

Joker

It was a scheme worthy of me, Kaiser, the way you got me riled up and turned me loose on this place!

You...! You were supposed to destroy the casino!

Joker

Yeah, but then I realized it'd be more fun to get rid of you and run the show myself!

Bu-But you can't...!

Joker

Oh please, Mr. Kaiser! You of all people should have realized there'd be a Joker in the deck! [laughs]

Joker

I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.

Penguin

That'll be a first. So, I hear 'you-know-who' nailed the Mad Hatter last week.

Joker

No kidding. He sure gets around for one guy.

Two-Face

Yeah, well that's where you're wrong. I don't think it IS one guy.

Killer Croc

Huh?

Two-Face

The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of 'em stashed someplace like a SWAT team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but-

Joker

Meh. You're always seeing double.

Penguin

It's obvious our mutual adversary suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.

Joker

Sure! He could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! [as Two-Face crushes a milk carton] Uh, no offense, Harv.

Two-Face

Just deal.

Killer Croc

Well, ya know what I think?

Joker

Not the robot theory again...

Killer Croc

Well, he COULD be.

Two-Face

Poison Ivy...

Poison Ivy

It's been a long time Harvey. You're still looking...halfway decent.

Two-Face

Half of me wants to strangle ya.

Poison Ivy

And what's the other part want?

Two-Face

To hit you with a truck!

Poison Ivy

[to the others] We used to date.

Ah.

Joker

You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sid. No body. No BATUS DELECTI so to speak. We need to pull a job tonight just to make sure.

Make sure what, boss?

Joker

Why that old Batsy's bought the cave of course, and one more thing Murphy...don't ask stupid questions. [pushes Murphy to the hyenas who scratch and lick him]

Harley Quinn

I'll get the mop.

Joker

When the cops come, stall them for awhile, just until Batman arrives. Got it?

Right, boss.

Joker

[to Murphy, still scarred from the hyenas] Any questions, Murph?

No sir!

Joker

[to Sid The Squid] Good man. And if Batman hasn't really gone to his final reward, we'll see that he gets there.

Joker

NO, we didn't get the diamond! The Dork Knight showed up before we even got to the museum! I had a great shot at him, too. Except... my dear little Harley Quinn handed me the wrong gun!

Harley Quinn

But puddin', it was kinda funny watching you shoot at him with the bang flag! [Rocco and Henshaw can't help laughing then stifle it as the Joker glares at them]

Joker

[turning back to Harley] Funny? You presume to tell me what I should think is funny?

Joker

HARLEY!!! This place is going to blinking blue blazes! Anybody seen my socks?! HARLEY!!! [the hyenas snarl at Joker] OH!! They snapped at me! What's going on, Rock? This place is a mess, no one's fed the hyenas and I can't find my socks! Where's Harley?!

Y-y-ya canned her, boss. Remember?

Joker

So? She's always come back before.

Gee... I guess ya ain't seen the papers then.

Joker

Papers?! What are you babbling about?! [snatches the newspaper from Rocko and reads an article of Harley's partnership with Poison Ivy] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Scarface

Court is now in session! The Good People of Arkham Asylum vs. the Self-Righteous Vigilante Called Batman! Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury.

Mad Hatter

Hang him!

Harley

Shoot him!

Killer Croc

Hit him with a rock!

Scarface

And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!

Joker

GUILTY!

Janet Van Dorn

I was promised a chance to defend my client!

Joker

Oh, very well. Like it'll make a difference.

Janet Van Dorn

I suppose that you, like your friends, claim that Batman drove you to be a criminal?

Mad Hatter

He did.

Janet Van Dorn

And yet, as I recall in your case, you brainwashed and kidnapped a woman who rejected you.

Mad Hatter

Batman forced me to do it! He was going to take her away from me! I had no choice!

Janet Van Dorn

You could have respected her wishes and left her alone.

Mad Hatter

I'D HAVE KILLED HER FIRST! [gasps and covers his mouth, then turns to the Joker] I'd like that last statement stricken from the record, please.

Joker

Record? Is someone supposed to be writing this down?

Joker

Instead of taking you, the cops, and the Batman down separately, I'm gonna blast you all at once! [takes out his phone and speaks into it] Send down the plane, boys. We're blowing town. Literally.

But all those innocent people.

Joker

Some joke on them, eh? Think of it as the ultimate punchline. [laughs]

Robin

It's lucky you were here, Quinn. The countdown sequence didn't leave Joker enough time to swing by Arkham and pick you up.

Joker

Quiet, brat.

Harley

You were gonna come for me, weren't you, Puddin'?

Joker

Of course, pumpkin-pie. It's just that... well, here you are, so I can, err, save myself the trip.

Harley

But what about all our friends, Ivy and Two-Face and... Hat-Guy and Lizard-Man and Puppet-Head and-

Joker

What about them?

Batman

Don't forget your little pets.

Harley

[gasps] The babies! We can't leave the babies!

Joker

I'll buy you a goldfish. Let's go.

Harley

No!

Joker

Why, you little-

Harley

[points the gun against Joker] Freeze, clown!

Batman

Quinn, stop!

Harley

He's mine, Bats!

Joker

You wouldn't dare. You don't have the guts. Not in a million years would you--

Joker

Baby, you're the greatest.