Mmmmm. I enjoyed that flick.
Yeah, I always did like a good Chinese film with German voices(!)
Ahh, it don't matter much with these martial arts stories, does it? No, it's the mayhem and the gratuitous violence that counts.
Maybe we should all take up karate, eh? That might get rid of you-know-who.
Right. I, er... I often have fantasies about being Bruce Lee, don't you?
I'd really like to be able to, you know, chop a brick in half, smash it right in half. Wouldn't you?
It'd be great, though, wouldn't it? Just once to be confronted by bloodthirsty hooligans, and dispose of them with a few timely chops to the neck. I've always wanted to be able to do that. Especially after a Wolves game when I found meself hemmed in by hordes of rampant skinheads.
You constantly surprise me, you do, Barry. Eh? I mean, beneath that passive exterior beats the heart of a would-be ninja.
A ninja? I thought you'd have known that. In your martial arts fraternity, none is more deadly than your ninja.
Yeah. It's the ultimate, son. Just one look, right, can fill a man with dread.
No. He's no ninja, son. A certifiable lunatic, he is.
Ah, he's certainly kept us out of the hut, hant'he? That's my third film in three days.
[Looking out of the window] Ain't that Nev?
There. [Outside, Neville walks past an adult cinema.]
Aye, it is, innit? Yeah. Where's he off to?
Where's he been, more like it, eh?
Aye, he's been very cagey these last few days, han't he?
I'm sure I've seen him come out of that place across the street there.
That one there, look. The porn cinema.
That's weird, that is, you know, 'cos... the other day I caught Nev copying out an ad from a shop window.
Really? What ad was that?
I dunno, but it was for things like flats and flagellation.
Well, Nev's obviously found himself an outside interest, then, ain't he, eh?
[As Barry throws...] Treble... double 20... and a 20... and 5. 65.
65? I'm getting good at this, ain't I? I could make the team. [Gets the darts out.]
Too late now, it's already been decided who's playin' - me, Dennis, Magowan and Moxey.
Oh, Moxey's only in because of his board, isn't he? [Oz takes his turn]
So it's not true. Look, we played the aggregate all week, right? I qualified fair and square.
Yeah, only by the skin of your teeth.
I still qualified, though!
Bloody hell, you'd think it was the Olympics!
[Counting his total] Seventy-four... [Imitating a darts announcer] "Oz, you require double 16." [Gets his darts while Barry steps up to the oche.]
'Ey, you could be scorer, Barry.
Bog off. That's Nev's privelige, innit? After all, he arranged it.
Is, er, Nev picking up them soldier lads, then?
[As he throws] Ah, the station, three o'clock.
Better organise the booze, eh?
Yeah, we can arrange it on the dining table, can't we?
All right. Get some crisps.
Oh, nice and festive, eh? What about some balloons?
[Looks at Barry's score] 13? I thought you said you were improvin'!
[Points behind him] Well he put me off with his bloody sarcasm, didn't he? [Neville enters the hut]
All right, Nev? Letter on your bed, mate.
Oh aye? It's probably from Brenda, wondering why her money's short this week.
Is that why you're putting in so much overtime, then?
It's not for the love of it, is it?
Double 8 needed... [Having hit a single 16, he then hits a treble 16.]
[Chuckles] Ah, choked under pressure. Let's see... you want double 8, and I want...
[Reading the letter] Oh, aye, it's from Colin.
Oh aye? What's his craic?
...Oh, they've got a dress parade tomorrow morning. Oh, he's comin' over Monday instead.
Oh, that's no good. It's no fun unless it's the weekend. [Barry hits a 5 and a 4...]
Well, that's all right, it'll give us some practice time. [Barry misses the board entirely and hits the wall.] Nice shot, Barry. One in the 5, one in the 4, and one in the wall.
Best get the booze in today, eh? Naebody'll have any money left come Monday. Has that Magowan paid us anything back yet?
I want what he owes. There's no reason why I should have to work Saturday mornings and Brenda go short for the likes of him, is there?
[Hitting the double 8] That's it. Beautiful dart.
[To Dennis, gesturing to the barman] Hey, there's no crisps, Den. We've got to have crisps, mate!
Man! You can get yer crisps on Monday, man, Barry!
[Entering the bar] Wa-hey!
Did you get the, er, spirits, mate?
Why aye. [Produces two bottles from under his jacket and places them in the crates] Schnapps... and a bottle of vodka.
That should be enough, shouldn't it?
That depends if the Army drink as much as us lads, eh? [Barry chuckles.] Listen, this lot's not got to be touched 'til Monday, right?
What?! Hang on a minute! I mean, if we're ganna carry this all the way over to the hut, I think we deserve a drink.
Nah, nah, we've got it in now, man, as an insurance against anybody's reckless spending, right? Not one drop of this will be touched by anybody. Including Magowan. [Neville, Moxey, Barry and Dennis each pick up a crate, while Oz picks up the schnapps and vodka]
He's no problem, you know. 'Ey, he pissed off, y'know, when he heard the darts had been cancelled. Said he wouldn't be back 'til tomorrow.
You mean we've got a night's reprieve?
[Suddenly jubilant] Right, in that case, it's my round! [Puts his crate down] What do you want to drink? [The others also put their crates and bottles down]
And we'll get stuck into the vodka when we get back.
Aye! Let's celebrate, yeah?
[To the barman] Five bottles of pils...
Where have the lads gone?
Down the pub, I should think.
Did you, erm... have a nice time?
Oh, yeah. Nice time. Aye.
Why? Did you have a fight?
What's that supposed to mean?
Isn't that your usual way of havin' a good time?
[Laughs nervously] It's just a joke, innit?
I must have got paralytic if my head's any clue.
Where... where'd you stay, like?
Over the river there. I got this bird, see, I gave her a right seeing to. You would have been proud of me. [He notices the crates of beer] Christ! Miracles never cease, eh?
[Stops in front of Magowan] That's for tomorrow night for the match.
[Pushes Neville away] You're not gonna miss a couple of bottles, are ya? [Gets a bottle from the crate and opens it]
No, but we all chipped in for that. Did you?
Well, I never invited them! [Takes a swig]
No, but they're our guests.
Look, I'll win that darts match for you, all right? Put some money on that, you'll get it all back.
I want back what you owe me... what you owe all of us. [Magowan aggressively approaches Neville]
[Backing away] Oh, I'm all right, like. I've got a bit put aside, you know.
Just... what you owe for the bail, like.
Look, if I'm gonna get a flat I'm gonna need that money, aren't I, as a deposit. That was all agreed.
Talk to that wet nurse of yours, you know, Patterson. He'll put you straight.
I don't care what the others agreed. I want my money back.
Nev, I think you'd better leave it. I think Mac's getting the needle.
I only get the needle when I drink.
[Aggressively puts the bottle down and confronts Neville] Look, Geordie, if you wanna make somethin' of it, I'll bloody kill you. [To Barry] And that goes for you an' all, mate! [Shoves Neville] Got that?
No? [Shoves Neville again.]
Hey! [Shoves Magowan back. Magowan headbutts Neville and punches him in the stomach!]
Oi, leave 'im alone! [Magowan goes for Barry, who backs off straight away, cowering. Neville coughs and retches, clutching his stomach. Magowan grabs his coat.]
Hey. I'll be back for the darts match. [Throws his empty bottle at Barry, who catches it, then leaves the hut.]
Er, just a word in your ear, sir.
[To Dagmar] Dagmar, bitte machen sie mir eine Tasse Kaffee. (Dagmar, can you go make me a coffee, please?)
Das dauert noch ein bischen. Es is noch nicht ganz durch gemacht. (It'll take a while. It's not quite ready yet.)
Ich glaube, ich habe mein Auto nicht abgeschlossen. Können Sie mal sehen? (I think I forgot to lock my car. Can you go and check?) [Hands Dagmar his car keys. She takes them and leaves the office.] Follow me, please. [Dennis follows Grunwald into his office.] Yes, Patterson, what is it?
Not a word. Not one word will be heard by any of my lads. No to no-one, not to the Brits, not to the Erics, not to nobody. You have my solemn oath.
All except Magowan. But the rest of my lads, I promise you. However, if, er... if Magowan does find out, I mean his silence... I cannae guarantee.
So, er... it'd be best all round if Magowan left.
For what excuse can I give? He is good worker.
You'll think of somethin'. [Smiles, then leaves Grunwald to it.]
I got me cards from Grunwald.
He says he heard through the grapevine the judge is gonna do me when I go up, you know, make an example or somethin'.
Apparently. I told yer they'd stuff it to me, didn't I? Vindictive bastards!
Aye, well, yer... yer best off goin' home. It's better than bein' in the clink.
Aye, s'pose so. [Starts to walk off]
[Turns back and squares up to Neville] That's your bail money up the spout, kid! [Walks off again, this time picking up a wrench as he passes a digger, throwing it through a cabin window, breaking it.]
[Gives a thumbs up] Nice one.
Hey, Nev, what time are the Army arriving, eh?
Aboot six o'clock, I'd better put a move on, eh?
We'll go down on the bike, they can follow us back in a taxi.
Aye, it should be a good night. And you're in the team after all, Nev.
Ah, that's not important.
Hello, Dennis. [The lads put their tools in storage] Ahh, it's great, innit? The old spirit restored.
Aye, a darts match and a piss-up to follow, eh? Magic!
Better get some practice in.
Yeah, gotta make a good show against the Army lads.
Aye, well there's no panic. We can have a monumental piss-up, but you can forget all about the darts match.
Magowan's pissed off with the dartboard. [We see the bare wall where the dartboard used to be. Moxey looks disappointed.]
Er, listen, lads, if youse lot wanna make a few bob on the side, er, maybes you should come in wi' me.
Doin' a bit of moonlighting, are ya, Oz?
Well, I might have this business proposition, right? See, I've met this Eric. Canny lad... for an Eric. Anyway, nothing's finalised yet, so I can't say so much, but if you want in, now's the time to speak up.
Hold on... d'you mean speak up to divvy up, son?
Well, tell us what it is, then.
Well, how will we be expected to chip in if you won't explain?
Well, that's the whole point, man, Neville.
Look, the more yer speculate, the more coin yer get back in the back end.
But Oz, we're entitled to know what we're speculatin' in!
Aye, in due course, Dennis. When I get everythin' finalised. [Checks himself in the mirror.] But, er, for the moment, all I need is yer readies and yer trust. [Turns round to see blank faces.] Was that askin' too much, like?
Nah, you're askin' too much, son.
Well, suit yerselves, I'll seek investment elsewhere, stuff you lot!
Oz! How, at least give us a clue!
[Leaves the hut... then pokes his head in a few seconds later] Well, it's adult, and it's liable to cause offence. [Leaves the hut again.]
Dennis [Thinking aloud] "It's adult, and liable to cause offence"?
[To the crane operator, motioning] In a bit... Whoa, whoa... Right, down at that. [The crane starts lowering the bricks. To Bomber] Look, all I need is cash upfront, and then we'll be quids in.
Big business. Expanding markets, guaranteed demand. See, all we've got to do is buy the gear here, ship it home and then we're quids in.
Well... I don't want you goin' tellin' the rest, 'cos they never take us seriously, that lot.
[Motions] Cross me 'eart. Now, what are you on about?
[Whispering] No, man. Porn, man. Porn, yer kna?
What are you on about? Are you opening Gateshead's first massage parlour?
Nah, man. Videos, man. Importing videos. [The operator stops lowering the bricks.]
You're askin' me to handle pornographic videos? Me? The father of five children?
Well, they don't have to watch 'em.
Are you off your rocker, lad?
Ah, well, forget it. [Waves his hands, the crane operator mistakes this as a signal to lower the bricks onto the scaffold.] I just thought with five bairns, you might've needed the extra coin.
You're off your bloody rocker, boyo! [The pallet lands on the scaffold... and on Bomber's foot!]
What happened, Hedley, back in the war? I mean, what started all this off?
HHedley
[Takes a breather] ...Staff Sergeant Hedley Irwin, 22215709, sir. [Starts coughing violently.]
Take it easy, Hedley. It's all right, man.
HHedley
[Points under his bed] Give us that tin.
[Getting the tin] This one?
HHedley
Aye, that's it. [Hedley opens the tin.] I was in the war, you know, as well. [Getting his medals out.] Army of Occupation. Stayed on. The Yanks... the Ivans... and us. [Starts coughing again. He reaches for his mask.]
[Helping Hedley with the mask] Take it easy, it's all right. [Hedley takes a few deep breaths.]
[To Dennis] What's he on about?
Well, y'see, when the war was over, the British, the Americans, the French and the Russians, they stayed in Germany to, like, occupy it. Yer kna, to administer it, like. Well, Hedley, he was obviously in the British lot.
HHedley
[Takes the mask off and puts it aside] Non-fraternisation. That's what they called it. You weren't allowed to mix. But a lot of Jerries worked for us. But you weren't allowed to fraternise socially. Verboten. [Takes out an old photograph of a young woman and shows it to Neville] She worked at Command Headquaters. On the switchboard, she worked. Spoke the bloody lingo, didn't she?
So... what did you do that was so terrible, then?
HHedley
Why, I married her, didn't I? [Starts coughing again.]
Here. [Gives Hedley the mask.] Nurse!
Hey, the rules were ever so strict. Even when our lot wanted to pick up their kids from school, they couldn't talk to the German parents. I think that's terrible, don't you?
It seems a bit unnecessary, seeing as the war was over.
Seems perfectly logical to me. I mean, if I'd spent six years fightin' the Krauts, the last thing I'd wanna do would be to fraternise with them in the local!
Aye, but the war was over, Oz.
Oh, aye. Precious comfort for some(!) Precious comfort for me Uncle Dan who got a leg blown off in Tripoli. I cannae see him wantin' to buy drinks for the buggers who blew it off in the first place.
Well, the Germans suffered too! Everybody suffered one way or another.
So what happened to old Hedley, then?
He married her, didn't he? So they cashiered him. Hoyed him out of the Army. No pension. Nothin'. 'Ey, it's tragic when you think about it.
Me granny suffered an' all, yer kna. They flattened her with a bomb on her way back from The Black Horse. Poor soul. She only nipped out for a milk stout!
SSister
Oh, you come again?
Yeah. Er... have you moved him?
SSister
I'm sorry, he's died.
But... he was only... here yesterday.
SSister
Of course, but...
Here, Neville, well, I mean...
SSister
One minute. [She goes to the bed and picks up Hedley's belongings.]
Like the Sister says, you know, it was... for the best. It was expected.
SSister
He has no family in Germany since his wife's death.
NNurse
[Passing through with pillowcases] Vorsicht! Vorsicht! Darf ich bitte vorbei. Danke schön. (Excuse me! Excuse me! Can I get through, please? Thank you very much.)
SSister
So, perhaps you wish to take this.
Oh. Okay then, thanks. [Takes Hedley's belongings from the Sister.]
SSister
He was looking at these before he... It was the last thing he was holding.
Really? [The Sister leaves the ward.]
[Upset] I cannae believe it.
Aye. It shakes you up a bit, son, doesn't it?
[Sitting on the bed] I've, erm, I've never experienced death before. Not first hand. I mean, me dad died, but I was just a nipper. A few relatives I hardly knew.
[Opening the envelope] Yeah, well... we barely knew him, I mean, did we?
No, but we were gettin' to know him though, weren't we? And then, next day, just like that...
Yer see, Neville, I mean, you're a young lad, you know. You go to christenings and weddings. You know, once you start gettin' a bit older, you... you get used to goin' to funerals, yer kna.
I suppose so. [Dennis takes out the items in the envelope.] What's those?
Oh, some old, er, postcards. [He looks through them] The Lake District... Vale of Evesham... Hey, yer kna, despite what the old bugger said, I reckon, er... he missed England after all, yer know.
Where will he be buried, Dennis?
Well, here, I suppose. I mean, he didn't have anybody else, did he?
[Looks at Neville] So what?
I think he'd have wanted to go back home.
No, no. Of course. You did the right thing, Wayne, in the circumstances. ...Well, I mean, especially if she... if she feels like that about it. ...No, I'll phone the undertakers. Er, it'll not have left yet.
"Poor old Hedley"? You're jokin', aren't yer? He were a right little rascal. Aye, he made a fool of us right enough!
He must have fooled a lot more over the years.
He was a little waster, Bomber. He wasn't cashiered, yer kna. Court martialled, man.
I still think it's a shame, especially after all the work we've put in. Especially Oz.
Hey, Oz'll be at the airport, I've have to get after him. [Puts down his trowel and starts to run off]
Wait a minute, Den. [Den stops.] Old Bomber may be on the slow side, but he's given Oz a lot of thought these last few days.
He had some scheme in mind about selling pornographic videos.
[Thinking back to earlier in the week...] "Adult. Liable to give offence."
I knows that 'cos I saw them in his locker.
Well, I know they're not there now, 'cos I looked. And I don't want you to think I'm being vindictive just 'cos he mangled my foot, but they're gone. And so's the coffin.
The coffin [Finally putting 2 and 2 together...] Oh, hey, I cannae believe that, Bomber!
Can't you, Neville? Eh? Big-hearted Oz, all of a sudden? Sick grandads in London? Makes sense to me!
Now let's look at it this way. If he's really got a sick grandfather, then his trip's worthwhile. But if he's been having us on, he deserves everything he gets!
[From behind a tomb] Wayne! Come here, man! [Wayne leaves the wedding party as they're having their wedding photos taken and rushes to Oz]
Never mind that. What's happened to Hedley?
She didn't want to know. Hated the sight of him. But it's all right, I rung the lads.
What's happened to the body?
Don't worry, it's been cremated. [A church bell peals ominously]
What? Oh, no! [Breaks down as he realises his, Barry's and Moxey's money is up in smoke] Oh, no! No!
You know, I never thought you'd take it that badly, son. [Oz wails loudly and uncontrollably.]
Sieht sehr gut aus. Ja, stimmt das. (Looks good, that... yes, that's right.)
HHeidi
Aber kann nicht glauben, daß sein Vater Besitzer ist. (I can't believe his father is the owner.)
What's that, loves, eh? [A waitress brings their drinks over.]
No, no. He does his best to be like one of the lads, Oz. See, his father owns the business we all work for, you know. And, er... Oz takes over when the old man retires, you know. In the meantime he's got to work as a common bricklayer, just for three months, as he learns the business from all sides, like, you know.
[Having been to the toilet, returns to his seat, fiddling with his collar.] Right! Cheers, girls. I'm as dry as a boot.
Wayne was telling us about your father.
Oh, that bugger? [Wayne glances at Oz] Oh, that bugger! Oh, aye. Good bloke, me old man. Started from nothin', yer know, and er... built an empire. Isn't that right, Wayne?
Yeah, yeah. That's right. Erm... I was just telling the girls, you know, how one day it'll all be yours.
Oh, yeah. There's... there's McAlpine's, and Wimpey's, and then there's Osbourne & Son, that's us.
In the meantime you are just one of the boys?
Look again, pet. One of the men! [Uli seems rather taken with Oz.]
'Ere, Wayne, Wayne? I'm not sure I can keep this up, yer kna.
I didn't think you had that sort of problem, Oz. [Chuckles]
Nah, nah, man, yer kna what I'm talking aboot - stringin' the bird along, man.
'Ere, you're all right, mate. It's just a matter of, er, establishing your credibility, you know. The rest is down to your personal magnetism, innit, son?
I dunno why you've gotta cut out so soon.
Yes, well that's divide and rule, that's what I always say. See, I've been spending so much time in your case, I've been neglecting the lovely Heidi, ain't I?
Well, look, you'll have to lend us a couple of hundred.
I thought Nev gave you fifty.
He did. He did, but it's not gonna last long in this place, at these prices, is it? I mean, this Uli looks sophisticated. I mean, she might want steak.
[Hands some money to Oz] Look, here's a couple of hundred, right? Now, if that runs out, use your American Express Gold Card, right?
Oh, yes, I never leave the hut without it, do I(?)
[As they return to Uli and Heidi] All right, girls?
Right, girls. Hey! Ready for another drinkies? [They nod] Yeah? Get 'em in, Wayne.
