AAngela
What were you and Auntie Norma rowing about last night?
I thought you were supposed to be asleep! Anyway, we weren't rowin', we were just talkin', y'know, business, like.
AAngela
Our Kevin had his ear to the floor, said you were shoutin' about money.
Nah, "shoutin' about money...?" [Before Dennis can continue, they stop as Dennis sees a flashily dressed woman approaching. It's Marjorie, Oz's estranged wife]
MMarjorie
[Waving as she approaches] Dennis Patterson?
Aww hell! [Turns away and bends down to Angela's shoe] I'll just put this buckle right on your shoe.
AAngela
What's up, dad? There's nothing wrong with me buckle.
Nah, it's all right, pet. It's just that lady over there, she happens to be the wife of one of the nutcases I work with. Remember Oz? I don't particularly want to talk to her, that's all.
MMarjorie
[As she gets closer] Yoo-hoo! [Dennis reluctantly gets up] Eee, I thought it was you!
MMarjorie
[Turns to Angela] Oh, and this must be one of your bairns, is it?
Well, er... we've split up again, actually.
MMarjorie
Oh, pet... I'm sorry. E'en after you left some nice German lass...
[Interrupting to protect Angela] Aye, well, that's all in the past now, Marjorie, you know?
MMarjorie
Haven't heard from Oz, have yer?
No, not really. When did you last hear from him?
MMarjorie
Oh aye, he sent us a card from the Falklands - no stamp, of course! Aye, God knows where he is now.
[Interrupting, glancing at Angela] I did hear he's back in England, like.
MMarjorie
You've no idea where, have you?
Shouldn't you know more aboot that than me, Marjorie?
MMarjorie
I'd be the last one to hear, pet. No, anyway, if he does get in touch with you, will yer tell him to get in touch with me? I've got some good news for him.
Oh, that'll cheer him up... [Marjorie double takes, leading Dennis to cover his tracks] ...if I do... come across him, like. What's the good news?
MMarjorie
I'm divorcin' the sod!
'Ello, 'ello! Only three hours? I thought you said you weren't a speed freak!
Ah it's not bad, Wayne. Y'know, I mean you could've built a garage in that time, never mind repair one.
Well, I hope you don't expect to be paid for this afternoon.
...Just pour us a cup o' tea, will ya?
Come on then, blow-by-blow account!
The boy looks wrecked. She certainly taken it out of him.
[Sighs] Unbelievable. It's the only word for it. Unbe- I mean if I told yer, yer wouldn't believe it, so...
Well we won't know till you tell us, will we?
Well, yer kna what I was saying in the bar the other night aboot, eh, aulder women?
Yea, experience an' all that beef... Dear me! This one... this one makes Simone Signoret look like Shirley Temple, that one!
Doesn't mean nowt to me! I've never seen either of them.
Well I'll try and put it another way.
Yer kna when footballers get to a certain age, they've gotta slow their game doon? Yer kna, but they seem to get to be better players because of experience, yer kna. Like Johnny Giles, Leeds and Éire. I feel like I've been playing with somebody like him after ninety minutes of soccer.
It's funny you should mention that about footballers, Oz. 'Cos the only older woman I ever had looked like Billy Bremner! [Everyone laughs]
Now I can get my beloved motor out, eh? Can I borrow your van, Den?
Aye, sure, yeah. Here y'are. [Gives Wayne the keys]
I'll, erm, probably need someone to drive it back.
[Oz opens a bottle] Yeah, what?
Off you gan wi' Wayne, make sure he doesn't spend his finishing bonus on the way across.
Because we've spent two months tarting this place up! I don't want a lunatic like you in there pissed!
I'm still the gaffer, so get gan!
[As he and Wayne get out of the van] I've telled him to get these brakes sorted! [They look inside the pound. Wayne's car is just behind the fence]
There. There, look. [The car is still dirty.] 800 quid and they ain't even bloody cleaned it.
[Scoffs] They've probably been out joy-ridin' in it, man. Did yer check the clock before you give 'em it?
Y'know, I didn't think of that!
I'll come in wi' yer, I'll tell 'em I'm yer legal adviser. If yer get any grief, I'll nut 'im.
Right, it shouldn't take long, Mr. Norris. You have the full amount with you, I presume?
Of course. [Throws the money down on the desk.] There it is. It's in pounds though, not Deutschmarks. Is that all right, sunbeam(?)
No need for any sarcasm, thank you, sir. [He starts to count the money]
There's nae need to count it, man. It's all there.
I have to check it, sir... just in case you've given me too much.
Ere, listen, seeing as I've paid you up in full, I don't reckon you can tell me who shopped me, can you?
Certainly not, that's privileged information.
I thought it might be. [Oz looks around the office and sees a photo of a woman on the cabinet behind Wayne. His eyes widen - it's the mature woman from the Barley Mow! He clears his throat to attract Wayne's attention then nods towards the photo. Wayne turns and glances at the photo, then turns back to the customs inspector] Just looking at the photograph. Lovely lady. Who is it?
That happens to be my wife, sir. [Oz turns away]
Very attractive, wouldn't you say so, Oz?
[Turns back] What? Oh, yes, uh-huh... Not my cup o' tea, like, but... tidy bit o' tackle.
[Gets up] Right. I'll get you a receipt, Mr. Norris. Won't take a minute. [He leaves the office, glancing at a sheepish Oz as he does.]
[As soon as the customs officer is out of earshot] Well, I declare, as they say in the trade! [Laughs as they gather by the photo]
Can yer believe it? It's ironic, really isn'it, when yer think aboot it. If he hadn't've nabbed your car, I wouldn't've knobbed his wife!
Poetic justice, that's what I call it. 'Ere, talking of justice, you keep dog eye, because I want to check out who shopped me. [Oz goes on lookout while Wayne opens a foolscap wallet. He goes through the documents.]
Hold on... [He finds the relevant document] Hold it, here we go... "Dear Sir, acting on information received from a Mr. Arthur Pringle of the Barley Mow Inn..."
[Scoffs] Pringle... Might've knaan it'd be that old bastard!
Hello? Arthur? Yes, this is Wayne Winston Norris with your early morning call. [They all laugh]
Is this your idea of a joke, you cretin?
No, no, no, I'm not joking 'cos I know you ain't got a sense of humour. See, look, why we're ringing is to say bye-bye, 'cos we're off elsewhere, y'see, and to tell you about the little going away present we've left ya. Now look, if you care to look outside your front door... [Looks at Neville, who tries to stifle his laughter. Pringle opens his front door... to discover it's been bricked up!]
LThe Lads
[Singing] Wall meet again, don't know where, don't know when, but I know wall meet again some sunny day! [On the outside the words "Wall Meet Again... Baconballs!" are written on the wall]
Ta-ta, Arthur! [The lads jeer and laugh]
It's not the right place.
In our bed? In our house? At night? Where would you rather do it, at the squash club?
Well, what's that gotta do with Wayne?
I'm not doin' it with him here in the house.
We can hear him gargling so he'll certainly hear us... well, he can hear wor.
If you'd mentioned this last night, I certainly wouldn't have asked him to stay.
You should have thought it through! Oh, Neville, it's just too inhibitin'.
You never used to say that before we were married, when I used to come round your parents' place.
That was different. My parents went to bed very early. They were sound sleepers, and you used to have Match of the Day on at full volume. And you used to watch it!
Wayne'll not be asleep, man. That Sony Walkman never leaves his ears. I mean how's he ganna hear us with Twisted Sister blastin' into his brain cells?
He'll not, man. It's not like we're noisy, Bren. It's not as if you're a screamer.
...Well, it's not like you're one of them frenzied females you hear about, yer kna, that scream and shout and bark.
[Loudly] Bark?! D'yer want us to bark?!
Sssh, man, Brenda! Wayne'll hear us!
...No. I can't give you a number, I'm in the north of England, aren't I? ...Look, if this Spanish job comes up, I'll be away, so I just thought maybe we should get together and... [Fraught] Alright, if you can't, you can't, okay? Give me love to your folks(!) [Puts the phone down and follows Brenda into the kitchen.]
Hello, Wayne. Did Neville get you some lunch?
Yeah, shared some cottage pie with Debbie.
Where is Neville? [Fills a kettle]
Taken her down the park. She's a lovely kid, eh?
If you're making some. Here, look. [Tosses some money onto the worktop.] I used the phone, that should cover it.
I'm sure that's too much, Wayne.
Well, I did rabbit on a bit, and it was to Germany.
Phoning your wife, are ya? Neville said she was in Germany. She visiting her family?
Fancy some toast? I'm starving.
[Sits at the kitchen table] Well actually, Christa isn't visiting her parents... she's gone back there. She's pregnant.
No it ain't. She's not sure whether she wants to have it, but, she is sure she don't wanna stay with me. [Brenda comes to the kitchen table and sits down.] I blew it, Brenda. See... I really wanted to be married to her, you know, but... I guess I'm just too immature to be married.
Yeah. Look, the point of loving someone is to prove it to 'em, right? Which means giving all the rest of the birds the elbow, not responding to every bit of skirt that passes you in the street, not being tempted by and bird that flashes you in the boozer, you know. I mean... I wanted it both ways, and... that's out of order, isn't it?
'Ere, look, don't tell Neville about this, eh? I don't want the lads to find out. You're the only woman I've told about this apart from Hazel.
Is Hazel one of the other women?
No. No, Hazel, Barry's fiancée Hazel.
[Laughs.] It's funny, innit? I find it so much easier talking to birds about this than fellas. Suppose that's the old ego, eh?
You know, Wayne, if you tell Christa what you told me and Hazel, well that might make all the difference in the world.
Nah, it wouldn't. Not unless I changed, and I can't see that happening, love. I mean, basically I want every woman there is in the world. Present company excluded, of course!
[Not knowing whether to be complimented or insulted] Oh, thanks very much!
Oh, no, no! Not that I don't find you attractive... No, I mean, I wouldn't do it with a mate's bird, nah... Not that I wouldn't want to... 'Cos, if you know what I mean with me mate... and you're very... so we could... [Brenda chuckles to herself as Wayne gets more flustered. The toast pops.]
[Getting up to see to the toast] I think I understand, Wayne! It's not uncommon in men of your age. You seem to feel... you need to prove that your sexual magnetism still works.
Yeah, yeah, I suppose that's it then, eh?
[Sitting with his back to the stripper] Well... I'm sorry I'm not yer genial host tonight, lads. I mean, any other time I'd have been happy to... drag ya roond the flesh pots of the north east, yer kna, but... Oh, it's just this thing with me kid, I mean, it's weighin' heavy on us.
[Not taking his eyes off the stripper, as is Moxey] I'm sure it does, son.
I mean, I kna what yer think. I kna what everybody thinks for that matter. You think that I'm irresponsible. A bit of a heid-the-baw. A bit of a...
Yeah, oh all right, Moxey! All right! Yer not always rowin' with all yer oars in the water yersel', yer kna!
No. Fair enough. Sorry, Oz.
But I'm still 'is father, isn't I? He's still me kid. [Turns around for a second to the stripper, then turns back again.] You have to put yersel' in my place. Wayne, man! [Wayne finally turns to Oz] Put yersel' in my place, man, with this business with the kid, man. Because you're married, aren't you, eh? If your bird pissed off and left yer, how would that feel, eh, if she went back to Germany?
Who's been talking to you, then?
[Confused] Naebody, man, I'm talkin hypothetically.
Well, I mean, can yer imagine if she had a sprog, eh, and she dragged him back to Düsseldorf? You'd never see it again. Can you imagine how that would feel?
[Quietly] Yeah, well, I can, as it happens...
Yer do things on the spur of the moment, Oz, without ever thinking them through. I mean, where were you gonna take the lad, eh?
Well I wasn't gonna hang on to him, man, I only wanted twenty four hours with him, to find out how he feels aboot this trip abroad, man. Find oot how he felt about this Sandro gadgy. And she wouldn't let us anywhere near the bairn, so I had to dae what I did, didn't I?
Well she'll be even less disposed to let you see him now.
Ah, so you met the Italian in question, did you?
Aye, yes, we exchanged one or two words, yes.
What sort of person did he seem then, Oz?
Well, he seemed perfectly affable and pleasant and polite, but I mean ye cannae gan on that, can yer? He's a waiter, he's trained to be.
Oh come off it, Oz. You said in the car that he was a nice enough sort of bloke.
Aye, but them were first impressions, weren't they? He's gotta be a bit micey if he wants to lob up with my Marjorie!
[Holding a couple of mugs] Shall I do another pot? [Everyone murmurs in agreement]
No, I'll do it, pet. [Exits into the kitchen]
So, when do they leave, then?
If you ask me... just in my opinion, like... I think living in Italy might benefit the lad. I mean, he'd had the climate, when he comes back he'll be bilingual, a wonderful advantage. I only spent one night in this area and I'll tell you it was a bleeding terrifying experience!
Yer can't judge a place on one night, man!
[Overlapping with Dennis] What's wrong with this place? We've all seen Wolverhampton, it's not exactly Beverly Hills, is it?
Here we are. [Places the mugs into the sink.]
Ah, you didn't need to do that. I'd have seen to it.
That's all right. Just glad to get out of the smoke. [Picks up a tea towel and starts drying up]
Oh, you've not left your wife, have you, and run off with a sailor?
[Smiles] If you do, you'll be the first to know.
Honestly, it's been like Heartbreak Hotel here this week, I'm thinking of leaving me job at the hospital and taking up marriage guidance!
Well, we'll be off in a couple of days and you can get some peace and quiet.
[Enters the kitchen] Brenda?
The kettle's not ready yet, pet.
No, could you come and have a word with the lads, please? [Brenda takes off her gloves and goes into the living room. Bomber takes over doing the dishes.]
Brenda, er... We're all agreee we think Oz has got a case here. I mean, we think that he should see his young lad before he's whisked off to a foreign country.
Oh, I quite agree, Dennis.
The main problem is the situation with Marjorie is... delicate, to say the least. I mean she has to understand that Oz seeing his son won't be a threat to her. I mean, that's only right and proper.
So, er, we thought the best way to convince her would be, erm... if you had a word with her.
Hello, Wayne. Are you all on your own?
Yeah. Lads have gone down the pub. Said I'd babysit.
I didn't fancy it. And, er... I wanted to speak to Christa, you know, sort of privately, like. Here. [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money and puts it on the coffee table.]
I'm sure that's too much, Wayne. It's cheap rate after all.
Yeah, but there was, er... quite a lot of heavy dialogue tonight.
Oh dear... Look, there's some Cointreau on that sideboard over there. Why don't you pour wor both one, eh? [He does so.] So, she come to a decision, yet?
Yep. She's gonna have the baby.
Oh, that's a relief. I am glad.
But... she ain't gonna have me back. [Brings the drinks over] So, the good news is I'm gonna have a kid by the woman I love. And the bad news is I'll probably never get to see it.
It's ironic, isn't it? You and Oz have similar problems.
How'd you get on with Marjorie?
Well, she's agreed to let him see the boy. Took two bottles of Chianti, though!
You're a marvel you are, Brenda. Here, you don't fancy popping over to Dusseldorf, do ya? Doing the business on Christa, eh?
Aye. This is where your grandda used to work.
Well, not here exactly. Up the river. Wallsend slipway.
No, nah. He was a riveter. Hard man. Proud man. But, the job killed him in the end. That's why you never got to meet him. [Opens a bar of chocolate and gives some to Rod.] Aye, it's funny... he built ships what went all over the world, and yet he never left Tyneside. I think that's how I become a bit of a wanderer, yer kna, got a bit of a gypo in us. 'Cos I said to meself when I was your age, I said, "That's never ganna happen to me." Mind, not that I'm afraid of hard graft or nowt like that. It's just... well... yer kna, there's a great big world out there.
Well, that's... that's how come I'm pleased about yer gannin to Italy, yer kna. Now that I kna how you're feeling aboot it, 'cos I mean it's... it's gotta do you good, hann'it, really? I mean, you'll come back and be able to... parlez amour Italiano, as they say. Give yer an idea what the world's about. And it has to improve yer ball control, doesn't it? Yeah?
[Laughs for a second.] My teacher says I'm very fortunate.
Aye, well, your teacher's right for once.
I'll miss me friends though.
Ey, you'll make new ones, man. Anyway, you'll be back, won't yer? I mean... [chuckles] ...you couldn't leave this for long, yeah?
Now, I don't wanna wait six months for a postcard, allreet? [The bus stops.] Well, er, have a great time. [Rod boards the bus.] But here, listen - you might be a man of the world now, but never forget your roots, son. Right? You'll always be a Geordie no matter where you go. 'Cos this is the place what shaped yer, made yer what y'are. Alright?
Ciao, dad. [Pays the driver, the door closes and the bus starts to drive off.]
[Playing a buzz wire game] Look, I'm sorry, Dennis, but due to the Spanish immigration laws, there is just no way at the moment that I can take a bunch of foreign workers down there.
Now wait a minute, Ally, you put your brief on this three weeks ago. He should have told you all that then, man.
And he did, Dennis. Couple of days later, I had it all fixed up. I arranged backhanders with a couple of key Pedros down there, but at the last minute, they tried to brace me and cop me for a wee bit extra, and to my mind, it's just a wee bitty too much, so I told them to stuff it.
[Looks out of the window to the rest of the lads, who are waiting with all their luggage outside] Look, I've got a bunch of lunatics down there. They're all fired up, they packed their bags, they've sorted things out with their families, and if you don't come through this time...
Just take them over tomorrow night, my house, my hospitality. That'll soften them up for ya. By that time I should have sorted something out.
I hope so, for your sake! [Starts to leave] What time should I bring them?
Er... make it about ten. [His loop touches the wire towards the end, making a high-pitched buzz] I mean, feed them first!
Hello. Goin' out, are we?
Yeah, I'm goin' down to Cannibal's. It's this club that Ally owns.
Yeah, yeah. That's right. We were there last night.
D'yer wanna come down tonight? I could leave your name at the door.
D'you mean me, or all of us?
Well... why, like? D'you always do everythin' as a group?
Oh, no, no. I do loads of things on me own.
Mind you, it might be a bit off tonight, eh, 'cos I am Ally's guest, ain't I?
Maybe we can leave it 'til Spain, eh?
A bit of dancing, or something.
Well, we'll have to see about that, won't we? [She smiles as she closes the window.]
[In quiet but warning tones] That's mine.
The food doesn't seem so good tonight, does it, Wayne?
There's no difference in the food, son. It's the mood that's down the crapper.
Well, it's got to be said... [Burps] ...this latest development with this Martin gadgy, I mean it's took the shine off the trip to Spain to everybody, hann'it?
Of all the blokes in Newcastle, you had to pick on him.
He picks on a lot of people, Nev. So the odds aren't that outlandish!
Hold on a minute, hang on, it wasn't me who started that barney, it was that Martin gadgy, man, wann' it?
Hey, hey, if you remember, the incident occured because you tried to get into his old lady's knickers.
Oh, hey, hold on! I don't think you're one to point the finger aboot that, do you, eh? We've been dropped in the clarts plenty of times by your rampant member, haven't we?
They never forget, do they?
C'mon, lads. Fair's fair. That Martin's a born headbanger. And I can't say I fancy working alongside him.
Hey, Moxey! Where've you been?
I called 'round your house, Den, and er, your sister said you were all in here.
[Calls down the table] Give him a chair, somebody.
Before I do, though, there's just a couple of things I'd like to say, y'know. Er, I've got me passport sorted out, y'know, so I can go to Spain. There's no problems there.
[Sets a chair at the head of the table for Moxey] Fantastic!
But I know I've caused you lot a lot of aggravation, y'know, with all this duckin' and divin' an' that, so, er, well if you don't want us to go, y'know, I'll understand, and there'll be no hard feelin's.
Get this man a drink! He's the guest of honour.
Guest of honour? He's the man of the year as far as I'm concerned! [Shouts to a waiter] Another one here!
You've turned up, sunbeam, that's what you've done.
Somebody better tell that Martin fella to forget it.
The Magnificent Seven rides again! Yahey!
You came in the nick of time, my son.
I'm made up! You lot don't exactly owe me any favours.
It's you that's doing us a favour, man. [Stands up, glass in hand] A toast, to Moxey! [They all raise their glasses]
It's great to have you back! [Moxey smiles]
Francis Fogarty? [Laughs] Where did you get Francis Fogarty from?
Well it wasn't my idea, y'know. If it was up to me, I'd like to be called Derek. But no Derek died in Kilburn on Tuesday.
