Archer · Season 2
[Struggling to operate the photocopier in the new “Green” ISIS] Stupid, efficient, Canadian lightbulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing!
What are you doing?
[Holding up a “Found Cat” poster] I need six more of these.
Why do you need seven?
One for each cat. Duh.
For god's sake, Pam! Have you no sense of decency? That bathroom's like a... a war crime.
Don't blame me, it's those new low-flow toilets! With the old ones, you could flush a dachshund puppy. [Pause] I mean, not that you would.
Lana, I really like your new hairdo.
Well, if you like the collar, you're gonna love the cuffs...
That's just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and... not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.
You realise you're in huge trouble?
Yes, sir.
And now I have to spend my first Friday off in forever devising some bizzare punishment for you?
Yes, sir.
So don't be surprised if you end up eating a whole bunch of... spiderwebs.
You know tontines are illegal.
So are all kinds of shit, but look at these odds. Half the people that work here are field agents...
...who get killed in the line of duty all the time! And the control room...
...is just one great big asbestos lawsuit waitin' to happen.
Yeah, here are some more claims forms.
And how long you think this one's gonna be around?
[Indicating Cheryl/Carol, who's drinking rubber cement]
Yeah, count me in.
He might have a tiny hangover...
You want me to take a baby to a murder?
Wherever, just out of here. I have no more love left to give today.
Yeah and what is it? Two-Thirty?
You scoundral. Is that brandy?
Oh no sir, just water.
Water? Oh, never touched the stuff. Fish shit in it.
Good God, man, are you hourly?
Then they gave me the VC and my papers...medical discharge.
Because of the scalps.
Oh, for--
The what?!
German scalps!
What?!
Must've been fifty of 'em!
That's a lot of scalps.
Could've made a blanket.
SO GO ALREADY! Bag with which one douches.
Render the salad unto Caesar!
Frickin' head's poundin', I'm sweatin' booze and my head's killin' me!
You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.
Personal best!
Your mother must be SO proud.
[To Archer] What's up with your mother?
What comes after infuriated?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
