This one ol' boy, he give me a job mopping up late night at this children's apparel store. Shoot, he said I made a worser mess than it was. That's discrimination.
S2The Cubing
This one time I rent me a pressure washer, start this business? "Meatwad Pressure Washing?" But then I's told, "You got to have a license." I says, "License? Hell! I ain't even s'posed to be in this country!" And then he got all mad.
S2Frat Aliens
(calling Carl) Hey buddy, how's it going? You know, I just happened to check the pH levels of your pool and they are incredibly high! Not good. Fix it or I'm getting a lawyer. Okay, bye!
Did you ask him?
What'd he say?
Yeah, it's cool. We're all good.
Hell yeah!
[They bring a pool float and sunglasses next door. Carl's house is surrounded by metal poles]
CCarl
He-he-heeeey, buddy!.
You were home the whole time?
Well, he don't ever leave the house, he's one of them, um, shutoffs. Sh-shutout. Wait, what the hell is it called?
It's a shut up.
Yeah, it's a shut up.
I never thought you'd screen with me, Carl.
CCarl
(insincerely) Oh, I was just lightin' the grill, waiting for you guys to come over! Have a little barbeque, little beer...you know I love you guys.
Carl, you alright? You're acting strange.
CCarl
No, I'm nooot! Come on!
Yes, you are!
CCarl
Hey, race over here! Last one in is a rotten egg!
Shake's a rotten egg!
[Lasers emit from the poles when Meatwad gets close. They back away, shocked]
Whoa.
Oh, that feels hot.
CCarl
Aw, come on, why'd you stop?! Keep coming, ya so close.
Hell yeah, well come on!
No, Meatwad, don't.
[he runs the float by the lasers, causing it to pop and burn]
CCarl
Wait for it.
[lasers come out the roof of Carl's house and shoot the float]
CCarl
Good, it works. Now, you try doing that with your body now.
...okay!
No, Meatwad, stop!
(waving sunglasses around) Carl, top shelf. Not the high-end model, but it works for you and, y'know, your income bracket, but don't worry, I'm not going to tell anybody how cheap you are.
[Shake accidently waves the sunglasses into the lasers, cutting them]
CCarl
Yeah, come closer there, Shakeman. You won't tell anybody anything. Ever again.
DPD.P.
Oh, oh wait, uh hang on. Did you see like, a little naked dude, out in the street anywhere?
Uh, yeah. I think he's dead.
DPD.P.
Oh, are you serious? Well, when he wakes up, make him drink.
SSkeeter
[at Carl] Dude, you wanna move your thing? You almost killed us!
DPD.P.
Yeah, are you, like, begging me instead to, like, mess up your pizza face in front of your girlfriend over there [points at Frylock], 'cause I'll do it, man!
SSkeeter
[holding D.P. back] Dude, dude, it's not worth it!
DPD.P.
No, man, look at my ship!!! [points to his wrecked spaceship] My dad is gonna be pissed!
SSkeeter
[to Carl] Do you know who his dad is?! He is totally rich...he will totally hook you up.....dude....we're drunk!
CCarl
These friends of yours, Fryman?
DPD.P.
Hey, where's the club? I need to piss.
CCarl
They came from space, you know...typically, that means you're somehow connected.
Carl, I've never seen them before in my life.
DPD.P.
So, you don't mind if I talk to her? [points to Frylock]
CCarl
Her??! Ha-ha, yeah, knock yourself out. She's a regular ho-bag.
DPD.P.
[to Frylock] 'Sup, little lady?
SSkeeter
Dude, she's got a bit of a 'stache.
DPD.P.
It's all right, she's good to go [gives Skeeter a fistbump]. So...my dad's totally rich, we own this dealership, and, uh, what sorority are you in?
'Scuse me?! I think you have me confused with a woman.
SSkeeter
Ohhh, she burned you, dude!
DPD.P.
Oh, so you couldn't get in to a sorority?
I'm a man, all right?!
SSkeeter
This is beat. Total sausage party. Uhh...I think. C'mon D.P., let's get out of here.
DPD.P.
Well, what else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever.
...I'm outta here.
SSkeeter
D to the P, let's go, I got the munchies.
DPD.P.
Hang on, hang on...[starts talking to Shake] what's your name, babe?
I'm Shake.
DPD.P.
Ah, you wanna take me to your dorm room for a drink or somethin'?
No, but I believe this little lady needs to have a life experience.
[Shake hands Meatwad to D.P.; D.P. proceeds to kiss him.]
DPD.P.
Come here...
What you doin'?! Don't kiss me!
DPD.P.
What? It's cool, I got a rubber. What?!
You stay outside. You scarin' me.
Somebody's a little bi-curious!
I ain't no bi-curious. I'm a man's man!
Not anymore! I've planted the seed of doubt!
You don't say that! I'm a man, and you...if you need me, I'm gonna be in the garage...[in a deeper voice] hangin' Sheet Rock, 'round an engine I'm rebuilding.
Look at the way he rolls...
WHERE'S MY CHEWIN' TOBACCO?!!
...just like a woman!
DPD.P.
Dude, your buddy here is givin' me a rash.
He usually doesn't drink this much!
I out-party you!
Shake, will you sit down?
P.D., I know how to throw... down. Dude! And I almost said "throw up", but I didn't. I hold my boobs... my booze! But I hold boobs all day, too!
Yeah, this is beer number two for him, right?
Dude, show him that sweet lung tat you got. Oh... wait till you see this. This is so awesome.
[D.P. opens a flap in his chest, shows a tattoo of his frat.]
DPD.P.
Had to do it on the inside or my dad would totally kill me. Had to get wasted cuz it hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat!
S2The Clowning
Uhh, Yeah. Six inch on wheat. Umm, No mayo. Uhh, hang on. Dr. Weird?
My ass has finally decided to eat my hand! [Dr. Weird's ass pulls in more of his arm] It hungers, for more! [Dr. Weird's ass eats him.]
Uhh, yeah. Just the one hoagie.
Carl, let her go! You're highly infected! Carl I'm afraid... you've been clowned!
CCarl
Yeah, I thought my flip flops felt a little tight.
Well, KNOW THIS! If you're an object, don't ever cross me. I proved it to your CD, I proved it to your window, and I proved it to your record player, and your lawn mower, and I will prove it to anything else—
[Shake is thrown from Carl's window.]
[Carl's wig has become noticeably curlier]
CCarl
Whoa, was my hair this curly last night?
What, are you fishing for compliments? You know, that's a horrible personality trait, nobody likes that.
CCarl
You, uh, you have a brush I could borrow?
We don't, we're all, uh, bald.
I got me one.
[he pulls out a toilet brush]
I use this for my teeth, and my hair.
CCarl
Oh, yeah, I forgot. I live next to a third world hell hole.
[termites that Meatwad ordered have infested Carl's house]
Are you here about the termites?
CCarl
Oh yeah, partly. I'm certainly not gonna sign for any more packages with the word "Congo" written in blood.
You're taking this pretty well, Carl. Usually you're a little more pissed off when we pull stuff like this.
CCarl
Yeah, y'know, I don't lose my cool as easily anymore. I've kinda gone through some changes in the past 24 hours.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Aqua Teen Hunger Force pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.