Are you depressed? Has our interest rates got you down? My name is Meatwad, and today I'm here to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Sell your organs! LIVE! Over the Internet! Get money back on your baby! That don't sound right. Where's my sheet?
S2Kidney Car
You know, you don't really need kidneys.
I know it's shallow, but hey, I want some. It's a status thing. That's what separates the men from the animals.
Actually, Meatwad, animals have kidneys, too.
Well, animals ain't got no job working for the city.
Neither do you.
Yeah, well...damn! You burned me. I got nothing. [to Carl] So back off my car and hold your roll.
CCarl
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ease off the pedal there, Jeff Gordon. I am keeping the graphics.
[Meatwad is hitting the engine of the Hotwad with a plastic saw.]
Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Okay, that should do it. Okay now, when I say "crank it", you do whatever it is people do when they're told to do that.
Uh-uh! I ain't hearin' that. See, you askin', or you tellin'? 'Cause nobody tells Boxy Brown!
Boxy, this isn't a big deal. I mean, I'm just asking a favor. Now if you remember, I helped you move your grandma to the home, and that was my day off.
Oh, that was no grandma, boy. That was a grocery bag.
But you just a box.
[extremely angry] I just a what, bitch?!
Y-You Duke of New York. You're A Number 1.
[shouts] You say that louder, boy!
'YOU DUKE OF NEW YORK A NUMBER ONE!'
He-he-he-he-he. Yeah!
[Shake brings a plastic drill to Meatwad who is using a plastic saw to fix his car. Shake drops the drill and it explodes.]
Get out of there! What, are you trying to break it?! [looks down at crater left by exploded drill] It's not metric?!
Meatwad [recounting a mechanic's appraisal of the car]: He said that the hobbit, that turns the crank case is depressed, and needs therapy. We need to get us a new hobbit. They's from the land beyond time, land beyond time's also gonna hook us up with a unicorn for the radiator, I ain't even gonna tell you bout that haunted air condition. Then that air filter, that's made of plutonium, that's gonna require Superman, so, you know, plus shippin' from Krypton. Then the cow, jumped over the moon...
Is this what he told you or...how you heard it?
Meatwad You should look at it yourself. I don't even know anymore.
Wow, he really did write all that. What an asshole.
Okay, now crank it.
Okay, here I go. (pause) You ready?
Yeah.
(pauses again) Ready now?
READY!
Here it comes.
Okay. (pause) Come on, Meatwad, I'm ready.
You ready for it?
I'M READY ALREADY! JUST DO IT!!!
Okay, don't get mad at me. (turns on the radio) How's that sound? Do you like that song?
I meant "turn the key."
I did! This is Key: K-104, Jersey's kickin' country!
The key to the ignition, Meatwad!
(turns off radio) I'm turnin' it!
That's the steering wheel!
I'm goin' left.
[sighs] But you're turning to the right!
Go to Mach 1, engage warp speed. I'm late for work. [makes engine noises]
[Frylock and Shake are watching Meatwad from the house]
Shake, I'm a little worried about Meatwad. I think he's losing his mind.
Watch this. I think he's losing his license.
(hears sirens) Aw, shoot! The bronze 5-0.
[The "siren" is Shake with a police hat, badge and baton.]
(calmly) Is there, uh...is there an emergency or something?
(nervously) Well, yeah, I mean-
Somebody having a baby?
Y'know, I need to get to work and uh-
What's going on here?
Hey, I'm a wild man. I can't drive 55.
[taps axle with baton] No wheels here, either...and you passed an inspection like that?
Mmhm. Yessir.
I see you ran through a couple of lights. And I'm thinking...surely this little lady wouldn't do that in her own town? Where ya from?
Now, they was yellow when I went through them-
(unimpressed) Uh-huh. They were red...like your ass is gonna be, when I get through with you. Alright, step out of the car, please. Have you had anything to drink tonight, ma'am?
Oh, hell yeah. Can I mix you something, or-
Alright. I want you to walk in a straight line to that manhole and when you fall down in there, I want to hear the alphabet backwards.
Okay. (rolls off)
(throws off hat and baton) Sucker! He-hey! (gets in Hotwad, makes engine noises)
[Meatwad goes to Frylock inside]
Did you see that?! He stole my car!
Yeah. Did you get the plate number?
Good idea! (leaves)
(in background) Hey, what are you looking at?! Hey, it's not Sunday, lady! Let's go!!!
(to Frylock) What's that letter that does this? (gestures) With the thing? There's two of them.
CCarl
Hey, hey, hey, hey, what was that noise?! Uh, where is my white hatchback?!
[Playing dumb] 'Scuse me?
CCarl
And why are there skid marks there?!
Uh, I just got through mowing the lawn...if that's a crime.
CCarl
I friggin' RENTED THIS THING THIS MORNING!!
Yeah, we know how you did it. Congratulations. The bank gave you a credit card. It doesn't make you better than me! But you see, nobody gives me credit, because I'm a bad risk and I don't pay my bills on time. So I have to work for what I have.
CCarl
Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...
What? Class? Style? I don't think so. Thank God I got a hip transplant. Now why don't you go back into your house and shut up?
[Carl's head explodes]
Why'd he do that?
Why wouldn't he?
S2The Cubing
It says here that this wisdom cube is the wisest being in the universe and he travels the galaxies feeding off knowledge.
He be feeding off them microwave burritos, too.
Those are gone?!
There were six this morning, there ain't none now. He's gassy, boy. Don't say nothing about him fartin'.
Oh, he's just doing that with his mouth Meatwad. Sometimes the most brilliant people are the most eccentric.
Really? That's a dead-on impression of a butt.
This one time, I ate boiled peanuts, and I'd like to have got sick.
[trying to get away from the Wisdom Cube] Look, there's Carl! Hey, Carl! Hey! Hey! Hold up, man!
CCarl
No, no, no, don't come over here.
Don't go anywhere! Stay right there!
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Hey, look man, I'm sorry, I'd love to stay here with you, but I gotta go ever there with Carl...and spank him.
Shut up and fish!
[Frylock is going over to Carl to get away from the Wisdom Cube]
CCarl
No, no, I got nothin' to say to you.
Nothin' personal [Frylock starts spanking Carl]
CCarl
Oh, thank you.
[from away] Hey, nice yard! It's nice.
How's that restraining order comin'?
CCarl
For your information, it's still tied up in the courts, cuz I don't have photographs of things like this thing you're doin' here with my butt-why're you doin' this? Stop doin' it. Wait, no-no wait, keep doin' it! [chuckles] Let me go get my camera!
I gotta tell you, a little of that guy goes a long way.
You know, that's just so weird. I can't believe that he's the all-knowing being of the universe.
Yeah, all-being. He's doing the 10-pound ball joke all wrong.
[On the phone] Is this the golf course? It is? Do you have 10-pound balls? No? Then, how do you walk?! How do you walk with a...regular? Well... [Raspberries]
I mean, that doesn't make sense any way you hear it.
Well, not to mention I unplugged the phone three hours ago.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Aqua Teen Hunger Force pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.