[to Willie Nelson] BLOODFEAST ISLAND PANSY!
S2The Shaving
What's up with the razor?
Oh, well, I shave once every couple days. It's nerve-wracking. It's supposed to be.
Well, it's not.
[horrified] You shave up there?!
Don't mind me, I'm just a sailor on shore leave... from the Ship of the Damned!! Muah hah hah.
Okay.
You know, the Ship of the Damned?
Nuh uh.
Famous short story about a ship that had a hole in it?
No.
Yeah, just go put on your ballerina shoes get the rest of the outfit, be who you really are...Dr. Zhivago. Yeah, you suck.
I'll just go get the candy, okay?
He's gettin' candy!
I got ten bucks says he's wearin' women's panties under that.
... Under what?
I know what I said, Meatwad!
Now remember: You have NO regard for human life, especially women, because they have the organs that you wish that YOU had! So you want to make a suit from them.
I don't wanna make a suit!
Listen to me, that's how it's done. All you concern yourself with is KILL KILL KILL!!! You GOT IT?! None of this "the shaving, the shaving" crap! Cause it's throwing you off! And Who is gonna stop you ANYWAY?! You're immortal!
Are you sure? I-I-That doesn't sound right.
Please uh, do me another favor. Lose the shaving. Monsters don't groom themselves! THEY'RE FREAKING MANIACS! UUUUHH!!
S2Broodwich
Doesn't matter cause I ain't picking those up.
Well it's all your bull crap. All them Battlestar Earth plastic drink cups.
SSkake
Don't you touch those! They're in mint condition, and they're going to stay that way.
I'll touch them all the way to the trash, that's what I'll do.
You do that and your GI Joes are gonna be MIA my friend. Then who's gonna call, little mama joe, and tell her that her boy ain't comin' home, because someone fell asleep on guard duty!
If anybody needs me...I'll be outside...with the shovel, sucka!
Oh no, you don't! That bullion is mine!
[Shake rushes outside and begins digging; Frylock and Meatwad watch from inside]
Look at him. He dumb as hell.
He sure is, Meatwad. He sure is.
[Later, Frylock comes outside to see Shake has dug a massive hole in the front yard; fire and water are spraying from a breached gas and water line]
No, no, no, NO!
I know! The stupid pirates must have buried it under the gas line!
I told you fourteen inches!
You tell me a lot of things! But that doesn't mean that I have to listen!
Oh my God! Shake?
Oh my God, Frylock, WHAT?! Why's everything gotta be a federal case with you?...yeah, you heard what I said! I said it!
Oh my God! That is no ordinary sandwich, Shake.
Oh my God, oh my- do you ever have anything good to say? It's a free sandwich.
It's not a sandwich at all, Shake. IT'S THE BROODWICH.
[dramatic music]
The blue witch?
No, the Broodwich Meatwad, Broodwich.
Wait... wait, say what?
BROODWICH!
The Blair Witch is here?!
No Meatwad, the Brood-WICH!
I'll tell you what it is, friends: It's SHUT UP and lemme EAT it!
[explaining how he's heard of the Broodwich] I read a very disturbing article about this sandwich in...the Bible.
No, you probably saw our piece in Vogue?
I doubt it, I don't read that...
Heidi Klum was on the cover. You know, the Broodwich issue.
Okay, yes. It was Vogue.
You read all this in 'Vogue'!?
Our PR department is awesome.
That's a 'girl' magazine! I hope you were at the dentist, Frylock!
[embarrassed] I... It just comes to the house.
Of course it comes, WHEN YOU 'ORDER' IT, YOU BIG, FAT, 'LADY'!
Heh heh! Someone down there's a girl!
It is the Broodwich. Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre. Baked by Beelzebub. Slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman. Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow. Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal, which has maggots for BLOOD!
See? Told ya.
[pause] I tasted mustard.
...Yeah, Dijon mustard.
How come no bacon?
Bacon is extra!
You call this a sandwich and you don't even have bacon on it!
There are no swine evil enough to be sacrificed upon a bed of evil! ...And lettuce. Bed of evil and lettuce!
Are you that guy that keeps tellin' me to beware? 'cause I'll tell you where to be...out of my sight!
I haven't paid taxes in six years.. I am not gettin' busted by a sandwich!
Then you must find another with an appetite for insanity.
Hey. You're dumb. Eat this.
I heard what that boy said; I ain't eating jack.
You're gonna let this guy scare you? How bad could it possibly be?
It's a world of skinless, blood-soaked nightmares clattering from the deep and clattering for the meat of the guilty.
Oh, come on. The guy's just jealous. Go on. Woof it down, dog.
Well I don't know, I mean, is the mayonnaise fat-free?
You're a dog.
'Cause, you know, it's not the calories that get you, man. It's the saturated fats.
[stuffs Meatwad's mouth with the Broodwich] Woof it, you mutt.
Meatwad, no!
[Meatwad gets sent to Hell]
Hey, did you hear what I called him? He can't do jack about it. [Meatwad reappears from Hell] Hey! How'd ya like Mr. Sticks?! He was a real treat, wasn't he?
Yeah... Jerry said you guys had a little run-in, but he's a decent guy, I mean, once you get to know him.
Bull crap! I know that guy was all over you with his axe!
Nah, that don't sound like Jerry. Now, the Jerry I know took me to Merry Christmas... which is a strip club... Merry Triple X-mas.. You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying!?
Gimme that sandwich!!
[Shake quickly eats the Broodwich and been sent to hell]
Wow, so you're saying it was fun?
Hell no! That sumbitch had an axe!
[Cut to hell, where Shake appears next to two stick-men]
JJerry
So, I don't know, she's like, "move your skulls to the basement, because I got these 'drapes'..." I don't even get that, I’m like, "Honey, this is 'work'."
SMStick Man 2
Are you serious?
JJerry
I can’t put ‘em in the fucking basement, I mean, and she’s like, you know, “Can you put a tarp over them, also?” And I just felt like...NO! I’m not... god damn it!
SMStick Man 2
I got one at home just like it. And I got a kid now, and so...
JJerry
That’s a whole other set of bullshit, I’m sure.
SMStick Man 2
So, Cathy puts the co-sleeper right next to my preserved brain collection, and she wants me to move them cause she thinks it's not hygienic.
JJerry
I don't understand how there's a lack of appreciation for that... backlight coming through the glass of the jars that the brains are in. I mean, it just looks cool.
SMStick Man 2
You've seen that?
JJerry
Why move it? That's the point of putting it next to the window.
SMStick Man 2
Right.
JJerry
And I’m sure you've explained that to Cathy, but she obviously doesn't get that.
SMStick Man 2
Yeah. Yeah, there's no... yeah, I can’t even argue with her.
JJerry
Ugh, it's fuckin' ridiculous.
SMStick Man 2
If I want to move the bed... (sees Shake) Hey. Hey, isn't that that guy?
And what's with the toilet seat, right?
JJerry
—Oh what the fuck!?!
[Jerry begins to chase Shake, wielding an axe]
Jerry, no! We're cool! We're cool, man!
S2Kidney Car
[Shake has a trophy]:
Oh, sweetness.
Hey, Shake, whatcha got there?
No, do not get near this.
Well, what is it?
Just the fruits of victory. I wouldn't expect you to know anything about it, being a loser.
The shake 'em up finals?
Yeah, I won 'Participant'
Shake, don't tell me you used the Danger Cart in some demolition derby.
Hell no, I got my own wheels.
[Carl Knocks on the door]:
CCarl
Hey, open up, or I'm opening it for you.
[Leaving] Well, you know the drill.
Drill? No, I don't. [Opens the door] Hey.. Carl.. how you doin' man?
CCarl
Take a look at that.
[Carl's Car is completely totaled]:
Ooo. Hey, Carl. This is pretty boss man. Where'd you get those graphics done?
CCarl
Thank you, I didn't frickin' do it.
Well, then why are you showin' it to me?
CCarl
Someone stole it, raced it, and brought it back!
Oh, well, I mean, you did call the police, right?
CCarl
Heh, heh, yeah, good one. Oh, I never thought of that. No they, they stopped takin' my calls like, long ago.
Well, uh, we're kinda not...detectives anymore. I mean, that wasn't making us a whole lotta money.
[Frylock is explaining what's wrong with the car to Meatwad.]
The radiator's split, the tranny's shot, the wheels are melted, the crankshaft somehow found its way into the woofer in the back, and all the fluids are in the floorboard!
Nah it ain't. This just the soft-drink machine.
They're fluids, Meatwad!
Soft drink's a fluid.
[Meatwad walks out of the house with braided hair.]
No, sir. But now we got us a mail-order telemarket business. Ultra Mega Braid. Carl, I see you're noticing my braids.
CCarl
No, I'm not.
Did you know that you can have braids just like this? With Ultra Mega Braid!
Carl, you wanna try one out?
CCarl
No.
We could do your shoulders.
They come in seven different colors, and you could add decorative beads and glitter. Make your own, unique Ultra Mega Braid!
3.99.
CCarl
Hey, kiss my Ultra Mega Ass!
[Carl walks away.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Aqua Teen Hunger Force pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.