Jacquelyn quotes from A Series of Unfortunate Events

Jacquelyn

Telegram for a Mr. Count Olaf.

Olaf

It's just 'Count Olaf!' "Count" is my honorific; calling me "Mr." is not only redundant, it's an insult to my station. Who- [he opens the door, sees Jacquelyn and grins] Well, we meet again. You might want to ease up on the bronzer.

Jacquelyn

I hope you don't think you're going to Peru, 'Yessica Haircut'. [steps inside, closes the door behind her]

Olaf

I find it helpful to leave the country now and then. See some ruins, wait for the manhunt to die down, eat some cuy.

Jacquelyn

You won't be eating any cuy, unless it's served in a prison cafeteria.

Olaf

Why would I be eating in a prison cafeteria?

Jacquelyn

Because I'm taking you to prison.

Olaf

Well, good luck with that. [pulls out his knife] I'm armed.

Jacquelyn

Hm. [pulls out a cleaver] So am I.

Olaf

Child's play. [pulls out a machete]

Jacquelyn

Adorable. [pulls out a harpoon gun and holds it to his neck]

Olaf

Is that a harpoon gun? [drops his weapons] You'd never use it. One of your great gifts is your eminent compassion. You wouldn't squash a spider.

Jacquelyn

I like spiders.

Olaf

Well, that's good, because there's one on your shoulder right now.

Jacquelyn

I'm not falling for that!

Olaf

No, no, I'm serious. It's on your left shoulder. It's one of the bigger ones; I wanna say 'tarantula?' [shudders]

Jacquelyn

You're not going anywhere, you snake.

Olaf

You're forgetting, my dear Jacquelyn: snakes shed their skin!

Jacquelyn

Do you smell smoke?

There's a touch hickory in the dumplings.

Jacquelyn

Not literally. Figuratively.

I always smell smoke figuratively.

Jacquelyn

I heard from Mr. Poe.

Sorry about that, but you do work for him.

This was a good town once, with good people who helped each other, who put out fires. It can be a good town again.

Jacquelyn

A noble man has been murdered. Look in your hearts and ask yourselves, what do you really want?

To burn children.