Count Olaf quotes from A Series of Unfortunate Events

Violet

Why do you hate us so much?

Olaf

Because it's fun.

Olaf

Didn’t your parents teach you anything?

Violet

They taught us to survive.

Olaf

Well they do say, "Those who can’t do... teach."

Count Olaf

Who are you? Wait... the smell of paste, the glassy-eyed stare of someone who works with children. You're that school librarian!

That was a long time ago.

Count Olaf

It wasn't that long ago; it was actually just, like, a few-

The jig is up, Olaf.

Count Olaf

"Jig?"

It's a phrase which means "Your scheme has been undone." As Dante once said-

Count Olaf

(scatting) Ubshubshadoobadoobang!

... Dante never said that.

(scatting) Shoobadybabidybowow...

Count Olaf

...Owww.

Tell us where the triplets are.

Count Olaf

Triplets? I thought they were twins.

Where are they? Where did you put them?

Count Olaf

Wait, there's two of them, right? One who writes poetry and one who cries all the time?

We shouldn't do this here; anyone could walk in this saloon who's over eighteen.

You know what these are?

Count Olaf

Uh, Bracelett Things of Justice? No, it's on the tip of my tongue...

Time's up, they're handcuffs.

Count Olaf

(sarcastically) Handcuffs? Who knew?

(cuffing Olaf) Gag him.

Count Olaf

Ah, no, that bandanna's not my color; I'm more of a spring-summer-

(gags him) You don't deserve to wear colors that compliment the undertones of your complexion.

Fun, isn't it?

What?

Getting your man.

Count Olaf

(gagged) I only have one question: who is Dante?

Dante was an Italian poet, thirteenth century; he wrote The Divine Comedy.

Count Olaf

(gagged) Oh.

Count Olaf

Trapped. Caught like a bat in a trap. These dark, bare walls are closing in. I call to you, spirits of the jail cell! Save me! Save me! How long has it been? The days turn to months...

It’s been 8 minutes, would you like some tea?

Count Olaf

What are you waiting for? Shoot!

Esmé

You try loading a harpoon gun without ruining a manicure.

Count Olaf

I have!

Babs

Paperwork makes the world go round.

Olaf

I thought money did that.

Count Olaf

Have you ever hunted, Violet?

Violet Baudelaire

Of course not.

Count Olaf

Well, if you had, you'd be familiar with a particular experience. There's a particular moment, at the end of a long hunt, when you have the animal cornered. And the animal looks into your eyes, deep into them, to see if there's any mercy in there. And when it sees that there is not, it gives up. It gives its life to you. Well, I have you cornered, Violet, and I have no mercy.

I'm more than that. I'm a volunteer.

Olaf

(sneering) Well, then... thank you for volunteering.

Lemony Snicket

Of course, not all mentors are good. Many years ago in my own organization, there were those who preyed on impressionable minds by taking them in at a point in their life when they might be particularly lost or vulnerable.

You look lost.

Count Olaf

[scoffs] How can I be lost? There are signs everywhere, which seems kind of dumb for a secret organization.

Woman with Hair but no Beard

We meant figuratively. [They step forward]

Count Olaf

Who are you? [stiffens] Wait... You're that man with the hair and the woman with the beard, or vice versa! I've heard about you.

And vice versa. We know what happened at the opera.

Woman with Hair but no Beard.

And we know how you've spent your nights since.

Wandering these tunnels.

Woman with Hair but no Beard

Directionless.

Alone.

Count Olaf

...Have you been following me?

With great interest, for some time.

Woman with Hair but no Beard

Your friends in V.F.D. betrayed you, but a young man with your talents doesn't need friends.

He needs guidance.

Count Olaf

I'll pass. I'm a tortured, brooding loner now. I've even taken up journaling. I'd rather be alone.

Woman with Hair but no Beard

Why, what a pity.

There's so much we could teach you. [Olaf looks intrigued]

Lemony Snicket

Bad mentors can lead you down a slippery slope, whether you encounter them years later at the top of a mountain, or you belong to their acting troupe.

They've been in that tent for a wile. I wonder what they're planning.

I hope it's a picnic.

It's never a picnic.

Not anymore.

Henchperson of Indeterminate gender

I joined Count Olaf because I thought he could teach me things, like how to harness my natural charisma into a career in the performing arts. [sighs] But I'm beginning to question my life choices.

[nods] I know what you mean. I get the serious creeps from those serious creeps.

Henchperson of Indeterminate gender

They definitely killed those carnival freaks.

Oh, yeah.

[simultaneously] Dead as doornails!

[to Sunny, who is in a birdcage] What do you think they're up to, baby? [they all look at her]

Sunny Baudelaire

*indistinct garble (Trouble.)

Olaf

Hooky's defected.

Esmé

Just because he doesn't have any hands?

Olaf

Let him go. I don't care. We got everything we needed from him.

Esmé

We needed a ride to the hotel.

Esmé

I hear this hotel has a spa, which is perfect because I'd like a face peel. Do you get to pick whose face, or you just peel it off whoever's around?

Olaf

I don't think it works that way.

Olaf

(about Carmelita) Remind me why we can't send her back to her parents.

Esmé

We burned down their house with them inside.

Wait, what did you say?

Esmé

Nothing, darling.

Olaf

How tedious.

Poe

Oh, compliment taken.

Count Olaf

Nice try, but this isn't Frank, it's Ernest!

Actually, I am Frank.

Count Olaf

Curses!

Count Olaf

I've always been honest about my desires, orphans: you, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarely-washed hands. That's more than the rest of these people can say.

Violet Baudelaire

These people are here to help us.

Count Olaf

Help you? Look around! I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans.

Arthur Poe

Vice President of Orphan Affairs.

Count Olaf

I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives. I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, as long as I stroked his ego.

That's a lie! He only stroked my... violin.

Count Olaf

I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in", and villagers who only took you in to do their chores. I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world. And presiding over them all, a justice so blind she let me marry you. These so-called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates.