Count Olaf[seeing them push all the buttons in the elevator] What are you doing, Baudelaires? If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone!
JSJustice Straus
That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone!
And save all these people.
Count Olaf
Only the ones who will believe you.
[the elevator stops at the lobby]
Fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big.
Count Olaf
There's no fire. The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! Whatever you do, stay where you are!
We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke?
Count Olaf
That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party!
Typical Olaf. Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.
And after we tried so hard to set a bad example.
You have disappointed us for the last time.
Count Olaf
I certainly have.
JSJustice Straus
[immaturely as elevator door closes] You're a disgrace to the legal profession!
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Argh! Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes.
VPVice Principal Nero
Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here!
JSJustice Straus
Count Olaf is here! There really is a fire! You have to leave!
VPVice Principal Nero
Follow me. I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded.
It's like the blind leading the blind. [grabs an elephant statue] I've got you, sir.
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no!
JSJerome Squalor
I think the stairs are this way!
I think the stairs are that way!
JSJerome Squalor
I don't like to argue. Let's compromise and just stand here.
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire. You have to get out!
CSCarmelita Spats
Why should we listen to cakesniffers?
She's right. You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.
Count Olaf
[knowing what will happen] No, seriously, it's a big fire. I swear. Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.
He's lying. We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! At last, the sugar bowl is mine!
Count Olaf
At last, you bow before the King of Olaf-Land.
We don't have time for your nonsense! We need your help.
Count Olaf
You need my help? [laughs weakly, sneers] Well, well, well... how do you like them apples?
Take a bite of this apple. It'll dilute the poison.
Count Olaf
I don't want your bitter fruit! I've lost too much to go on. My parents, my true love, my henchfolk, an enormous fortune I never really earned.
You have to go on. Do one good thing in your life, Olaf!
Count Olaf
I've done lots of good things in my life. I once took in three orphans-
You made us orphans in the first place!
Count Olaf
... Is that what you think?
Count Olaf
You don't know anything.
Please! You have to help Kit. Her baby is arriving, she could die!
Count Olaf
[looks startled]...Kit... might die? [pause, he grabs the apple from Klaus] give me that.
[staring at Olaf's wound] That looks bad.
Count Olaf
I've been worse.
KSKit Snicket
[awakens and sees Olaf] ...You!
Count Olaf
[smiles sadly] I told you I'd do that one last time.
KSKit Snicket
You are a wicked man. You really think one kind act will make me forgive you all your failings?
Count Olaf
... I haven't apologized.
Count Olaf
Let me see your eyes.
Count Olaf
... "The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one. Yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun."
KSKit Snicket
"The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one. Yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done."
Count Olaf
... I never forgot you.
KSKit Snicket
You hurt people.
Count Olaf
Yeah. And people hurt me. [he groans and lays down next to her, weakened by his wound] It's all over now. What's that thing your brother used to say? "Man hands on misery to man..."
KSKit Snicket
[smiles] "It deepens..."
KSKit Snicket and Klaus Baudelaire
"...Like a coastal shelf."
Count Olaf
[chuckles weakly] "get out as early as you can-"
Count Olaf
"-And don't have any kids yourself."
... He's gone, Sunny. He's dead.
A Series of Unfortunate Events · 83 quotes
