I knew you had a thing for her.
Yes, but I understand I'm not allowed to show it to her without her permission.
S1Truth or Dick
Wait a minute, something about this doesn't wash. She's doing something (gasps) Now I remember! I read about this. She's distorting the truth!
Dr. Albright would never lie to me.
Oh wake up and snort the coffee. (pause) Just because you don't lie doesn't mean people here don't.
We're colleagues! I trust her! I command you to be like her!
Like what?
Like a woman.
Fine! I can woman.
Commander, permission to speak freely.
Granted.
As the oldest member of this crew, I feel it's my duty to inform you all that this planet both wipes and sucks. In that order.
Poor kid. I remember what it's like to be your age.
I remember what it's like to be yours.
S1The Art of Dick
[Harry is looking for a job offer in the newspaper]
Here's a job I could do; "Police seek third gunman." Well, tomorrow I'm gonna march over to the police station and tell them that I'm the man they're looking for!
[talking about art] What makes them strive to create this?
Naked women.
These are not naked women, they're nudes. Nudity is the artist's passionate celebration of the human form.
[taking an art book] Well, party on!
S1Frozen Dick
[Harry explains how he's reorganized the movies at Gung-Ho Videos]
[refers to one rack] Good movies. [refers to another rack] Bad movies. [refers to the rest of the room] Movies I haven't seen.
[Harry is working at a video store]
CCustomer
Excuse me, where can I find Aliens?
Nowhere! Not here, that's for sure. Nobody here but us humans. [in a nervous sing-song voice] La, la, la... la, la, la. [a beat] Stop looking at me!
S1Angry Dick
PMPatty Muller
I don't envy you having to take care of three men; I only got Frank and he's a full-time job. Just once, I'd like to see that man pick up a sock.
I'd like to see men put their dirty dishes in the sink.
PMPatty Muller
I'd like to see them do laundry.
[deadpan] I'd like to see them crammed between two steel wheels and ground into a fine paste.
PMPatty Muller
[after a beat] You know, I'd like to see that myself.
You let me know.
[Frank and Dick have had a fight]
Why are you suddenly so civil?
FMFrank Muller
Now we know each other's boundaries. You know my limits, I know your limits, so now we can respect each other.
Wait, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to gain each other's respect, you had to resort to violent confrontations. Now doesn't that strike you as stupid?
FMFrank Muller
[after a beat] Kids, huh?
They don't understand the world.
S1The Dicks They Are A-Changin'
They opened a Hard Rock Café in Vietnam. The world's changed, huh?
It certainly has. Did you know it used to be entirely covered with ice?
[Reminiscing about the 60's]
Did you ever drop acid?
[misunderstanding] Oh, constantly.
You did a lot of tripping?
That's how I dropped the acid.
S1I Enjoy Being A Dick
Sally, I got a question for you. We've been on the planet a while now and I've just been wondering if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it'd be so dangerous?
No, not at all, Tommy. In fact I've already told Mrs. Dubcek and the mailman, uh, and a nice guy down at the mini-mall, BECAUSE I WANT US ALL TO DIE LIKE LAB RATS AT THE HANDS OF PRIMITIVE SCIENTISTS!!!
I want to make the world a better place. I want to give mankind the gift... of electricity.
They have electricity.
Ah, then my work is done!
Everybody here sells his time for money. It’s like taking a mortgage against your life.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 3rd Rock from the Sun pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.