[the aliens are looking for Vicki's hybrid alien baby in the nursery]
Which one is it?
It must be him - it's hideous.
MMan
Hey, that's my daughter!
I'm so sorry; she's hideous.
S5Episode I: the Baby Menace
S5Dick for Tat
I am so hungover!
Oh! Well, Mary, that's just nature's way of telling you what a tramp you are.
S5The Fifth Solomon
[the Solomons are angry at Dick because he crashed the car]
Hey, be thankful I wasn't killed!
Yeah, because then we'd have to hitch a ride to your funeral, BECAUSE YOU WRECKED OUR FREAKIN' CAR!
Officer Don You have to have insurance!
Why? It's just a bet against myself! The only way I can win my money back is by getting horribly injured.
S5Dick And Tuck
[Looking at himself and a picture of himself and Harrison Ford]
Oh my god! I'm hideous!
S5Sex and the Sally
Sally, I'm starving. What's for dinner?
Oh, I made you some hamburgers--they're down at the hamburger place. All you have to do is go there, order them, and pay for them.
S5Charitable Dick
We can make little differences; we just can't make global differences.
Can we blow up the Earth?
You see, that's a global difference.
It's so hard to keep track of all this.
so what is this thing you're going to again?.
It's a charity auction.
And what's charity again?.
All I know is they're giving free drinks and paddles with numbers on them.
Well I guess that's what charity's all about, getting liquored up and spanking your neighbor.
We can make little differences; we just can't make global differences.
Can we blow up the Earth?
You see, that's a global difference.
It's so hard to keep track of all this.
S5The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary
Why do these people get to have their life stories in the paper? What makes them so special?
Those are the obituaries.
Well, I want one about me!
Hopefully soon.
S5Gwen, Larry, Dick and Mary
LLarry
I've never noticed it before, but you look capable of violence.
[picking up a chair] I'll show you who's capable of violence!
S5Rutherford Beauty
[Dick is fantasizing about Nina during his class's exam]
LLeon
[sees Dick kissing an imaginary person] Dr. Solomon, what are you doing?
...I said no talking, Leon. You fail!
[after Mary receives an exercise video as a present from Dick]
Here's a little "gift-giving" tip: When you give someone a bouquet of flowers, that tells them "Our love goes on forever." When you give somebody an exercise video that tells them "Your ass goes on forever!"
S5Dick Strikes Out
I'm sorry, there is simply no room in the budget for raises. But I can go you one better: promotions! Sally, you are now Senior Security Officer.
That'll look good on the ol' résumé!
Tommy, you are now Senior Information Officer.
It's about time!
[pause]
What about me?
Harry, you are now... Harold.
Champagne for everyone!
[referring to Dick] I wouldn't be caught dead going out with that scab.
Well, couldn't you put a band-aid over it?
S5Frankie Goes to Rutherford
[Dick has entered the office wearing a tight-fitting construction worker's outfit and a tool belt]
Whaddaya think, Nina? Ya like beefcake?
Not from your funky bakery. [winks]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 3rd Rock from the Sun pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.