Caroline Channing quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Caroline

Give me your guest names, I'll write them down.

Max

Okay, fine. Put down Tommy, Dylan, Robbie, Johnny—

Caroline

Robbie and Johnny?! Wait, Max, are these all your ex-boyfriends?

Max

Perhaps.

Caroline

Max, the invited guests were all supposed to be business contacts.

Max

See, this is why I didn't tell you sooner, you're a control freak. And for the record, these guys have all had contact with my business.

Caroline

You're using our launch party to get back at ex-boyfriends?

Max

Uh, yeah! That's what success is for, to say "suck it" to people who dumped you. "See my blown-out hair? Suck it! See my cool cupcake shop? Suck it! See these in this blouse? You wish you could suck it."

Max

[about Andy] He was about to tell you he loves you.

Caroline

What?

Max

Just now, in the hall, and ice rink. He's been trying to tell you all week.

Caroline

But I've been too preoccupied with work, like Sandra Bullock in The Proposal. So he was gonna tell me at the ice rink? The one in Central Park?

Max

Yes, while having cocoa and splitting a hot dog.

Caroline

Oh, my God! That's, like, my dream "I love you" scenario! Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Max

Because when it comes to other people's creepy love stuff, that's when I'm a silent partner. And you need to stop with this creepy rom-com stuff, life isn't like a movie. Sometimes you're not a success right away. Sometimes you have to just eat it and be a cupcake. And sometimes you have to take your "I love you" whichever way it comes.

Caroline

You are so right. I don't have to wait for the moment to be perfect, like it was for Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. My life's not a romantic comedy, I can do it my own way. Like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding.

Caroline

[about asking to borrow money from Andy] I didn't do it. It's so not hot, he's my boyfriend. I mean, it's not like borrowing money from family. You don't sleep with your family.

Max

Not all families are the same, Caroline.

Caroline

Andy offered to pay our rent, but I said no.

Max

That is the whitest thing I've ever heard.

Caroline

It was really sweet of him, but I didn't wanna take money from a man I'm sleeping with.

Max

Wait, are you telling me there are women who don't take money from men they're sleeping with?

Max

I've never won anything in my life! Except for that time I got stoned and accidentally won that hot dog-eating contest!

Caroline

Wait, how did this even happen? Did you put our card in?

Earl

Actually, I put your card in, and I took a few out. I figured you girls could use a vacation. You girls been working harder than my liver on payday.

Max

Oh, Earl, you're like Santa, without the weird fixation on children. [she and Caroline walk away]

Caroline

It was so nice of Earl to enter us.

Max

Oh, stop! He's like my father.

Caroline

[brings Andy a birthday cupcake with a candle atop it] Happy birthday! Now come on, blow.

Andy

I don't really feel like doing that.

Max

Welcome to our world.

Caroline

[after Andy walks by the shop] Did you just openly wave to my ex-boyfriend?

Max

Yeah, I always wave at him. He didn't die just because you stopped letting him touch your boobies.

Caroline

Well, I don't wave to the guy at the record shop that you had sex with.

Max

I had sex with the guy at the record shop?! I should keep a diary.

Caroline

Oh, God, he's coming back. See what you started with your wave?

Max

I'm sorry, my hand is friendly. Ask any guy in high school.

Caroline

Max, I just hung up from a very panicked phone call, and you'll never believe what happened.

Max

The guy from the record store called to say I have super gonorrhea?

Caroline

You actually think a guy that you don't even remember called to tell me that you have super gonorrhea?

Max

Yes, that's how tired I am. Are you gonna make me wait forever? Do I have it or not?

Caroline

It's not super gonorrhea, but it is super bad news. This woman just called to confirm her order for 1,000 cupcakes for tomorrow. I've been so tired, I completely forgot.

Max

I'd rather have super gonorrhea!

Han

Girls, I have made a big decision.

Max

You're having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Han—female-to-male is very tricky.

Han

Well, you would know.

Caroline

Meow! He must have already started on the hormones.

Han

Now, here's my big decision. We're moving from those icky glass ketchup bottles to modern, new squeeze bottles.

Max

Wow, that is some fresh, outside-the-box thinking.

Caroline

It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76.

Han

That's right. Call me Han Jobs.

Max

Oh, I will only call you Han Jobs.

Caroline

Max, thank God, I was so worried. Wait, why do you look extra pretty?

Max

Probably the new shades I didn't pay for. Or the hours of him going Downton on my Abbey.

Earl

Hold up. No spoilers, I haven't started season three yet.

Caroline

Earl, you watch that show?

Earl

Yes, I do. I enjoy any show where the help is white.

Caroline

How are we gonna get 1,000 extra dollars by Monday? Wait, Max, we can go to that bar and exploit your special gifts.

Max

If I have to strip, I have to strip.

Caroline

Not that kind of bar, the hipster trivia bar.

Max

Can't I just strip? At least I'd still have my dignity.

Caroline

Max, I know we've borrowed from everyone we know, but I'm so convinced that this is the right thing that I'm willing to stoop to something I never thought I'd do.

Max

Look, you're sweet, you're adorable, but you're way too bony to bring in more than 40 a night. And even if you got an animal sidekick, it's still not gonna get us there.

Oleg

It would get me there.

Caroline

We can make an appointment, go into the city, and ask my Aunt Charity for the money. She's president of a cosmetic empire and she's filthy rich.

Max

And how is she literally the only thing you've never talked about?

Caroline

Because she hates me.

Max

That's what family is—people who hate you, but can't kill you 'cause they're the first ones questioned.

Caroline

[about her seagull cup] You hid it and kept it all these years?

Yep.

Caroline

Why would you wanna hurt me like that?

Max

[sucking on a morphine lollipop] It's obvious. She's obsessed with her brother, and she saw your being born as his love being taken away from her. Damn, this thing makes me smart!

Caroline

[after being promoted as junior executive] I talked to Eli about hiring you full-time. You are now a junior executive's executive assistant!

Max

I will knock you to the ground!

Caroline

Max, think about it. It comes with health care. You wouldn't have to decide between birth control pills and morning-after pills!

Max

Are you trying to take away a woman's right to choose?

Max

You think you're a failure? 'Cause I think we did amazing.

Caroline

The shop closed, Max. Our dream blew up in our face.

Max

Lots of things blow up in your face, it's part of being a woman. You just... towel off and keep going.