Caroline Channing quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Caroline

[while on the phone] My father wants to know if you'll come out to the prison and finally meet him.

Max

Sure.

Caroline

Great. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye. [hangs up]

Max

I'm not going.

Caroline

What? Why'd you say yes?

Max

'Cause you never tell a man in prison "no," he could hang himself with his belt.

Max

[receiving a catalog at the Channing estate auction] Actually, I need two: One for me, and one for my friend... [Caroline walks in wearing a brunette wig] Zooey Deschanel. What? You look like her.

Caroline

Everybody does. It's the least expensive look you can do and still get laid.

Max

[after hearing a group of hipster girls using the word "vagina"] Well, it's over. I can't say it anymore. The vagina's gone mainstream. What's next? A clothing line at Target?

Caroline

Aw, Max, I'm sorry. It's your favorite word.

Max

And my favorite body part. But now everyone's saying it.

Caroline

Well, we can pick another word for it. Something cute, like cookie.

Max

Yeah, it sounds like a good idea until you walk past a bunch of Girl Scouts selling their cookies on the street.

Caroline

Max, have you seen my phone? I wanna take a picture of this bad tip and put it on Instagram. Getting loose change used to be so depressing, but now I can share it with strangers.

Max

Let me sum it up: Twitter is stupid, and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

Caroline

I don't like this movie, it's violence against women. Let's go see that Katherine Heigl rom-com sequel.

Max

Talk about violence against women.

Caroline

You said you'd take a bullet for me. You'd never take a bullet for me.

Max

Probably not, no one ever takes a bullet. It's just something people say that they don't mean, like "How was your day?" or "We'll stop if it hurts."

Caroline

We're gonna be great. We got this, girl.

Max

Okay, stop. On every reality show, people say lame things that we can never say. No fist bumping, no high fives. You can't tell me to "bring it," "shut it down," or "put our cupcake business on the map." You can't tell me to "go, girl" or "bring my A game," and we don't "got this." Cool?

Caroline

Cool. But we do got this, right?

Max

Yeah, we got this.

Bring your own brand, just like you did on your home tape. [to Max] You're edgy with big boobs, [to Caroline] you're the try-hard.

Caroline

I'm sorry, I'm the what?

That's your brand. The muscle and the hustle. The double-D's and the ditz. [leaves]

Caroline

I went to Wharton, I'm not a ditz.

Max

Well, you ain't the double-D's. Can you believe she openly commented on m'goods?

Caroline

[going through the mail] Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you.

Max

Let me explain: I'm not a Scientologist, I just went there one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife.

Caroline

Oh, my God. My hand just touched the subway floor. How do I know someone didn't pee here?!

Max

Oh, honey, I've peed here. This is New York, it's made of pee.

Max

You should totally go for the hot guy.

Caroline

Or you can go for him. Let's think about this. He's clean and not a drug addict, so he's more my type.

Max

Well, he's got a store full of candy and a penis, so he's more my type.

Caroline

[after throwing up at Andy's candy store] I finally meet an adorable, sweet guy. A guy so sweet, the word "sweet" is next to his name on actual real estate, and I completely destroy any chance I have with him.

Max

You didn't destroy anything. And it's good to let him know right off the bat that you have a gag reflex.

Caroline

I've never dated poor, what is acceptable on a first date?

Max

Well, I'm pretty classy, so... anal?

Caroline

[awkward pause] I'm not that poor.

Caroline

[seeing the blood spatter on the walls of the soup kitchen] Oh, my God!

Andy

Oh, that's really gross!

Max

That's the greatest thing I've ever seen! Take a picture of me over here. I finally have a reason to join Instagram! People are gonna be like, "Food, food, cat, food, nails, nails, murder?!"

Caroline

What are you doing?!

Max

I forgot Andy was here! And your sex voice is the same as your murder voice!

Caroline

So are you just gonna stand there?

Max

Are you offering me a threeway?

Max

Well, it looks like we're about to be a full-blown orgy.