Alex Russo quotes from Wizards of Waverly Place

Harper

(to Max) So, how'd it go?

Max

Pretty good. I ate squirrel, made some new enemies...it was a regular day.

Harper

(to Justin) So, how'd it go? (Justin ignores her) (to Alex) How'd it go? Was it Mason?

Alex

Yes. It was him. But he's being held by some country wizards who grow corn by their beds and have a son with one shoe!

Harper

Oh, good, I thought you were going to say something crazy!

Alex

Mason, I'm sorry. What we have is so much stronger than any of that superficial stuff. The most important thing to me is that you're back and we're together. I love you, no matter what.

Mason

I don't know if I can believe you.

Alex

Then let me prove it.

Mason

How?

Alex

The same way people have been doing it for centuries now. By slow dancing to a romantic pop song.

Justin

I brought a...hamburger. (Max takes it out of his hands and starts eating it)

Alex

They gave Justin a hamburger, he must have rolled over! What did you tell them?!

Jerry

Did you tell them we're you-know-whats?!?! (Justin nods. Alex and Jerry gasp in shock)

Theresa

Did they let you use the bathroom? WAS IT WORTH IT?

Alex

Mason! How did they catch you?

Mason

I was admiring myself in the mirror with this hat on when they snuck up behind me.

Alex

How does someone sneak up behind you while you're looking in a mirror?

Mason

Well, I was very much admiring my hat.

Alex

Quick, pick a color!

Justin

Chartreuse.

Alex

Pick a SHORTER color!

Alex

[on Mason's back and jumps off] Whew, we're back. Hm, long walk!

Mason

[breathing heavily] Yep! For some of us it was!

Alex

Excuse me! My arms are tired from hanging on and trying to steer. Your ears are really tiny but really cute. [smiles]

Mason

[smiles and rubs his ear]

Justin

While we were stuck in that government facility I was afraid I would never see Waverly Place again. I missed you. [kisses the ground] There was definitely a horse parade here recently.

Jerry

[exhausted] I must have lost thirty pounds on that walk. Do you know how long it's going to take me to gain them back?

Justin

Why is the Sub Station all boarded up?

Theresa

Oh gosh. I gotta get in there! I wanna take a bath without someone yelling at me, "Hey lady, get out of my pool!" [bangs on the door]

Harper

Go away government agents! I have a soda gun and its loaded with root beer!

Jerry

Harper, it's us! We escaped from the government guys!

Harper

I'm not falling for that! The real Russos are too lame to escape from anywhere.

Alex

Harper!!! [bangs on the door] Open up!! We'd flash in there but we don't have our powers. We only got back by hitching rides, taking buses, and a lot of walking.

Mason

[whips his head to her] YOU DIDN'T WALK AT ALL!!! YOU HAD ME CARRY YOU LIKE A CAMEL!!! [smiles] Love.

Harper

Too lazy to walk? Oh Alex it really is you! All right, hold on. I'll let you in. I just have to dismantle a bunch of booby traps I set up to protect myself.

Harper

Hi guys.

Theresa

[walks into the Sub Station] It's so good to be home! [gets hit by one of the traps] AH! [falls down and is unconscious]

Harper

Oops. I forgot to get rid of that one.

Theresa

You think they'd want anything to do with us anymore? You guys don't even have your powers. You're nothing without them. Nothing. (puts the ice pack on her face)

Justin

Guys come on. There's something wrong with the portal.

Justin

I can't contact anybody in the Wizard World. I've tried WizCom, WizPhone, WizText, and just straight up yelling into the thing. (opens portal door) Hello! Are you listening?

Mason

Nothing but a WizEcho.

Alex

(snorts) It's just a regular echo, Mason. We don't put "wiz" in front of everything.

Jerry

Look! The Wizmergency Wizlight is on! That means the powers are still down. Oh no, the government must have captured everyone.

Alex

This is bad. That means they still have Professor Crumbs too. (goes in the restaurant kitchen and picks up the phone) Hello? I'd like to speak with the officer in charge.

Jerry

What are you doing?

Alex

I'm calling the police. We have to do something to save the Wizard World. Hello officer yes I'd like to report-

Justin

(grabs phone) That you are doing a great job. Yep. Keep it up. Love ya! (hangs up phone) Alex! What were you gonna tell them?

Alex

(trying not to laugh) Not that I love them.

Justin

People don't hear it enough. Alex, you know you can't reveal magic.

Max

Even I know that. That's why I just make people think I'm dumb. So if I slip up they'd figure, "Ah the kid's an idiot." I slip up all the time so...who's dumb now?

Jerry

Alex, you can't call the police. We just need to lay low for awhile until this blows over and do nothing.

Alex

The wizard world is captured and you want us to do nothing? Fine. (goes upstairs)

Theresa

The one time we ask the laziest girl on Earth to do nothing, she wants to do something!

Mason

I'm just happy she didn't ask me to carry her up the stairs.

Alex

Attention! Attention everyone! Listen, I know you're all here because I told you that Lady GaGa would be on a motorcycle jumping over a shark tank (Mason makes hand gestures and whooshing sounds) Yes, okay but that was just a front to get you here. There's something much more important.

What can be more important than GaGa?

Alex

The government has unfairly taken an entire population of Wizards hostage. I know because I'm a wizard too.

Mason

(makes "Ta-da! Here she is!" gesture)

Theresa

Alex!

Jerry

What are you doing? (to the press) This is a prank. You can all go now. Sorry!

(starts to walk off mumbling in agreement)

Alex

No! It's true! Look! Those are my bothers! They're wizards too!

Mason

And I'm a werewolf! Grr! Hiss! Grr!

Alex

Seriously, I get a lawyer named Mr. Loser? What's your first name?

It's Big Time.

Alex

Big Time Loser?! Come on!

Mason

Oh, now I get it. I just thought Alex was being uncharacteristically generous.

[laughing]

Alex

Hey everyone! Who wants to play a game called "Embarrass Your Boyfriend"! I'll go first! Did you know that Mason told me he sleeps in a nightgown and cap like Ebeneezer Scrooge? (all but Mason laugh)

Mason

What are you doing? I asked you to never tell anyone that!

Alex

I'm sorry Mason. Are you getting upset? Oh! here's another one! Did you know that Mason can only ride in a car when his head is sticking out the window and his tongue is flapping in the wind?! (all but Mason laugh)

Mason

Alex, stop! You're making me mad!

Alex

Oh, and here's the best one! Mason cries if you even SAY "Old Yeller" (turns to Mason quickly) OLD YELLER!

Mason

(turns his back to others, crying) STOP IT!

Mr. Laritate

Pull over there. I have to get something healthy to eat to calm my nerves.

Alex

That's a donut shop.

Mr. Laritate

I'll get the ones with the fruit in the middle!

Alex

You see this is what I get for helping you out while you where driving.

Harper

I didn't ask for your help.

Alex

I was helping me. I wanted to live.

Harper

I don't need your help. I'm going to pass the drivers test all by myself.

Alex

Well I don't need you either. I can clean all the garbage cans by myself, and what am I going to need to do that? Do I need like a rag or a, or a brush or spray? No? FINE!

Jerry

Hey Justin. It looks like you are going to win the wizard competition, so I am going to pass the family robe down to you now.

Justin

Ah, what an honor.

Jerry

Take good care of it.

Alex

I have finished my oil painting.

Harper

Coconut cream pies are done.

Max

This is a box of mud.