Karen Walker quotes from Will & Grace

Jack

Karen, isn't that Candice Bergen, your archenemy slash best friend?

Karen

Oh my God! This is a nightmare slash delightful!

Karen

I was only shtupping you to shtick it to her!

But I don't undershtand!

Karen

These muffins are specially designed to keep you regular. There are two things I will not tolerate in this house: racism and constipation!

Rosario

Yeah, you're the Rosa Parks of pooping.

Karen

I was downstairs making a ham sandwich, and I heard Stan's voice!

Jack

Oh my God! Did you put mayo on it?

Karen

Honey, Stan spoke to me!

Jack

Well, you know, it makes sense. In Native American mythology, the refrigerator is the medium for dead fat people.

Karen

So has Grace met your new fella?

Will

Not yet.

Karen

Then how do you know if you like him?

Karen

So, Elliott, queerleading tryouts, huh?

Cheerleading.

Karen

Yeah, well, let's see what the kids are calling it when they're stuffing you in your locker on Monday.

Karen

Lyle wanted me to walk down the aisle to "Here Comes the Bride". But I told him that, ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed that, at my fourth wedding, I would walk down to aisle to "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones. And he went for it.

Jack

That's great, Kare. But I thought you were saving "Sympathy For the Devil" for your fifth wedding.

Karen

No, that would just be in bad taste. The fifth wedding is traditionally "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy.

Grace

You know, the old Grace would have done this [smacks her hand onto Jack's forehead.] But now, I just have this new serenity thanks to Mr. Kabbalah.

Will

He's not a person! He's not like Mr. Peanut.

Jack

Uh, Mr. Peanut is not a person, Will.

Karen

He's a legume.

Rosario

I'm not your mule!

Karen

Oh yeah? Then why did you eat that apple off my palm this morning?

Rosario

I knew that would come back to bite me on my ass.

Karen

Oh, so you get all slutted up for Will's guy, but you won't even give my guy a chance?

Grace

Your guy is not a guy. Your guy is Sharon, our mail carrier.

Karen

Nice, a snob and a homophobe!

Grace

Great. No sex, and now no turkey.

Karen

Well...either way, no stuffin' for you.

Grace

[about Sal] I am so into him.

Karen

Yeah, well I'm double into him.

Grace

Well I'm gonna ask him out.

Karen

I'm going to ask him to move in.

Grace

He gave me a hickey. [Points to her breast]

Karen

[Points to her belly] He gave me a child! I am pregnant, Grace!

Grace

No you're not. You can't get pregnant from kissing.

Karen

Oh thank God!

[On his cellphone] Hey, I just macked on two old ladies. [watching them look at him] I may need to borrow your dad's tool shed later.

Rosario

Miss Karen, can I stop for a minute? My back hurts.

Karen

Keep going. I didn't hear anything snap.

Rosario

This year I'm making your figgy pudding with rat poison and Ajax.

Karen

But no raisins.

Will

Now, Karen, before this reporter comes, remember that since Stan died, you are the face of Walker Inc. And, unlike the previous face, yours isn't covered in pudding. You need to take this interview seriously.

Karen

Relax, I'm great with reporters. Ever since I leaked a little information to Woodward and Bernstein, I've had them eating out of the palm of my hand.

Will

Do you really expect me to believe that you were Deep Throat?

Karen

Only to one of them.

Jack

I dunno, Karen, Rosario's color is a little off... although, what color is she supposed to be?

Karen

I ordered her in Hunter Green, but she's faded.