Val quotes from What I Like About You

Val

(Covering her wrist) You'll never guess what Rick got me as a wedding present!

Holly

(gasps) A pony!?

Val

A diamond bracelet!

Val

It's a letter to Rick with a heart. I don't do hearts, I do smiley faces. (Lauren takes it) What are you doing?

Lauren

(Opening the letter) A little open heart surgery.

Lauren

Are you seriously not going to go to the club and see if your sister pulls this off? Very cold, Val Tyler!

Val

That's because Holly hasn't let me turn on the heat all week!

Lauren

All right, fine. Do what you want. All I'm saying is that I'm going to the club.

Val

Okay.

Lauren

I'm just saying that Holly came by today and told me that you have been there for every big moment in her life, and she couldn't believe you were going to miss this one.

Val

She said that?

Lauren

Well, actually, she came by to make sure I didn't have any unnecessary lights on, but I read between the lines.

Val

Don't go.

Holly

What?

Val

Nothing. I need you.

Holly

Huh?

Val

How come you heard all the mean stuff I said under my breath and none of the nice stuff?

Holly

I heard it. I was just double checking because... I couldn't believe you still liked me.

Val

You still like me?

Holly

Of course. I love you.

Val

I love you, too.

Holly

Aww... wanna get married?

Val

Baby steps people. I came out didn't I?

Wahoo!

Val

No no I didn't mean...oh what the hell.

Val

Noooooo!

Lauren

Val, wake up! Val!

Val

Lauren! Oh my god, I'm married. I got married!

Lauren

WHAT?!

Lauren

Oh! Me neither, and we're over thirty. I hate this game.

Val

Lauren, I had the worst nightmare - I dreamt that I called Rick up and cussed him out really bad and then went to Atlantic City and had a drink - or six - and then I married-

Vic?!

Vic

Honey, you really got to be more careful - you left your wedding ring on the sink. Hey Lauren, long time no see. What's up?

Lauren

Oh, you know, same old, same old. You?

Vic

She didn't tell you? We got hitched. Haha... (leaves the room)

Lauren

Vic? You've been dating Vic? You've been secretly dating Vic? And I knew there was a chemistry between you two when he was our boss, but you didn't want to date him because he was our boss and now you're married, how could you not tell me?!

Val

I didn't know?

Val

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Fireman are getting an annulment.

Lauren

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay! You have been given a gift. God made you drunk and sent you a husband. And not just any one, but someone you already had feelings for!

Val

Ya... Ya... didn't sign here.

Vic

Yeah, I'm not gonna, baby.

Val

Say what, baby?

Vic

I don't want to end this marriage.

Val

No... no... you have to.

Vic

Why?

Lauren

Because you're an adulterer!

Vic

No, I'm not.

Lauren

Wanna be?

Vic

It's Holly? Oh, hey, she's going to be so excited we got married. Let me say 'hi'.

Val

No! And I can't say 'hi' either because she will sense in my 'hi' that something is wrong, terribly terribly wrong, like we got married!

Vic

Oh, look at you, you're all feisty in the morning! I like that.

Val

Stop liking me!

Holly

C'mon, let's go.

Val

No, not 'til Vic leaves.

Holly

When will that be?

Val

Very soon. I turned the electricity off. I'm sweatin' him out!

Holly

Val, he's a fireman. He's good with heat!

Val

Right...

Val

Oh god, oh god, what if Vic never leaves?

Holly

What is happening to you? Will you calm down? There are other ways to get him out.

Val

No, Holly, I have tried everything. I begged, I reasoned, I even called the police, but they all know him and they congratulated me. Holly, we are legally married. That sonofabitch fireman is never going to leave.

Holly

When you and Vic got married, did stuff change?

Val

Uh... well, the bartender changed shifts.

Vic

This is good... this is good. It's nice to know I'm not the only one you fight with.

Val

I am fighting with her because I love her. The poker guy she has been emailing with is married. I've gotta stop it. Lauren is a beautiful girl, she deserves to be in a healthy relationship.

Vic

Like ours?

Val

Charlie, this is a diamond bracelet.

Charlie

I had a really excellent time tonight.

Lauren

Excuse me, I just swallowed a xylophone.

Val

You found where I hid your computer.

Lauren

Oh, what, a person can't just swallow a xylophone?