Robbie quotes from Victorious

Did that bush just waddle? (opens the door and walks outside) ROBBIE SHAPIRO!

Robbie

(from behind the bush) Yes?

You were invading my privacy!

Robbie

Well at least I didn't snoop through Ryder's phone.

(in a "go away" tone) EAHHHHHHHHH!

Robbie

Eahhhh! (leaves)

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Just tell us where the girl is.

I told you, I DON'T KNOW!

Okay, if you don't know, you don't know. [slaps Beck hard then grabs his shirt] NOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Hey, man! Get your partner off of me!

You better tell her what she wants to know. [licks a lollipop]

You got three seconds to talk.

I-I-I don't know. I-

(Cat slaps him again)

She's in my basement! [Cat lets go of him] She's in my basement. [gets on his knees and cries]

Boring.

[The students turns to Sikowitz]

That was boring?

[gets up] Yeah, it was all too predictable. There were no, [puts on a shocked face] AHH, surprises.

I enjoyed the slapping.

See, entertainment is so much more entertaining, when the characters do something the audience doesn't expect.

Robbie

I don't get what you're trying to say here.

You've bewildered everybody.

[The students begin to talk all at once.]

All right, okay, maybe I'm wrong. Let's move on the something else. [Cat, Beck and Andre sit back down] Let's talk about our hopes and dreams. [points to Tori] Tori.

[points to Sikowitz] Sikowitz.

What's your biggest hope and/or dream? [smiles at her]

Uh...probably to be a pop star. A really successful singer.

[laughs insanely]

[laughs nervously with him] What?

Oh, well, maybe you could sing at weddings for the hearing impaired. [continues laughing]

[The students looks at Sikowitz in shock.]

Okay, this is the most fun class ever.

[sad] You really don't think I can make it as a singer?

Nope. HA! You see? You're all staring at me with rapt attention. Why? Because, as a teacher, you expect me to encourage my students not puke on their dreams. Right?

[The students agree]

Uh huh.

This is what I'm trying to explain. When characters do the unexpected- [falls suddenly] audiences pay attention.

Oh, I have a headache.

[The bell rings.]

That's lunchtime. Get out.

[The students get up and leave.]

Hey, Jade. That's a nice new sweater.

Thanks. It's made out of puppet hair.

Dang, woman.

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Hey. Look at the new costume I made. Can you guess who I am?

No.

You're uh, Little Boy Poop.

Little Bo Peep. Alright, can I tell you guys how much I'm loving my new costume design class?

ABAndre and Beck

Uh...

And my teacher says I have a gift for knowing people's exact measurements.

Robbie

Hey, peepolinis!!

I'm not with him.

[to Robbie] Hey, Robbie, do you want me to tell you what size pants you are?

Robbie

I already know. They're a size four.

(Cat laughs)

Size four?

That's how they measure girls' pants.

Robbie

What? Rex, you promised me these were boy jeans.

Heh heh heh. You've been Rexed.

Hey. Will you guys take a look at my headshot and resume?

Sure. Why?

Sikowitz got me an audition for a movie.

I don't care.

You look twelve in this pic.

Well that was the last time I was shot by a professional photographer.

My brother got shot by a clown.

Why?

Because my brother kept poking him and saying "What you gonna do about it, clown? Huh?" (pause) It happened on a bus.

(pulls out a coloring book and crayons) Cat, color the tiger.

Yay, crayons!

Well, now I have to find a professional photographer.

(Sinjin walks over)

Sinjin

Did someone say she needs a professional photographer?

Yeah, you know one?

Sinjin

Nope. (walks off again)

Robbie

Yeah, I don't seem so weird anymore, do I?

What did you say, Girl Pants?

Alright, you gotta work on this resume.

Why, what's wrong with it?

Robbie

You only have one play on there.

Well, that's all I've been in.

So? Just say you've acted in more stuff.

Lie?

Yes!

Well, it's not really lying...

It's exaggerating!

Did I mention the clown was my cousin Jesse?

[sternly] Color the pretty tiger.

So, back to my resume...

You gotta have more things under special skills.

Yeah, you put bike riding as a special skill. Who can't ride a bike?

Take a guess.

Robbie

(puts hand over Rex's mouth) Can you keep any secret?

So what "special skills" should I add?

Gymnastics.

Martial arts.

Robbie

Skydiving.

Flirtatious hair flipping.

Okay, I do not flip my hair flirtatiously!

Oh, and this doesn't seem familiar? [Imitating Tori] Why, hello, boys! My name is Tori Vega! Buy me some licorice and I'll give you a kiss!

I talk NOTHING like that. (to the rest of the gang) Seriously, do I talk anything like that? (the others all imitate Tori at the same time. Tori puts a picture of herself in front of her face)

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Robbie

Peeminder?

You should download that.

Yeah you should.

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Robbie

[Cat is upset and refusing to talk to Robbie at lunch] Cat? Cat, come on. You can't be mad at me over something that I did in your dream.

It's what you didn't do.

Robbie

Well, would you at least tell me what I didn't do?

Fine. These little kids were trying to eat us, and you wouldn't even try to help me. You were just crying and yelling "No, no. Don't eat me. Eat her, eat her."

Robbie

Well, I'm sorry. And if a bunch of little kids ever really do try to eat us, I promise to...well, why shouldn't they eat you first?

(Andre and Tori sit down)

Robbie!

Robbie

I wanna live. There's things I've never tried. There's things I really, really, really wanna do.

What do you really, really, really wanna do?

Robbie

Ride a pony. Take a cooking class. (Robbie pauses, embarrassed) Other things.

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Robbie let a bunch of little kids eat me.

Robbie

It's not my fault if dream children find you delicious.

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(Robbie is carrying a bucket of ice cream)

Hey, where you going?

Robbie

I don't think we should waste all this ice cream, so I'm gonna take it to that playground around the corner and give it to some little kids.

Uh, I don't know how kids mothers are gonna feel about a strange guy handing out-

(aside, to Beck) Let him do it.

(to Jade) No, you're terrible, you're a terrible influence-

Just let him do it. Just let him do it!

(to Robbie) Good luck.

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(Robbie walks into Tori's house looking beaten)

Robbie, what happened?

Robbie

I went to the playground, I got off my bike, I yelled "Hey, kids, who wants some free ice cream?" And then their mothers chased me into an alley and beat me with sticks.

Sticks? (Jade chuckles)

Robbie

One big mom stepped on my neck.

Ya gotta love big moms.

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(everyone is at Tori's looking for letters)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Cat, what'd you say?

When?

Just a second ago.

(pause) I said "when."

No, before that.

Oh, I said "H".

H? Yes! (everybody runs to Cat)

Robbie

She's got it! She got the H!

(laughs) I feel so loved.

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(enters) Hey.

Where's the ice cream?

Yeah. Didn't you get some more?

Nope. Check Ke$ha's last update. (Tori, Andre, Jade and Cat grab their phones)

(reads the update) "Congrats to the dude in Northridge who found all the letters and spelled out Ke$ha. Thanks for playing. Ke$ha later."

Contest over.

Great. I spent nine hours of my life violating pints of ice cream for nothing.

Robbie

Well I got stick beat by vicious mothers.

(sadly) I hate everything.

(stands up) Well... (goes to Tori) ...don't be sad.

I am sad, cause I didn't marry a prince and I don't live in a magic sugar castle, and now, we can't win the Ke$ha concert which means that I gotta keep being Trina's stupid assistant for 28 more days.

That's so sad.

Come on. It's okay. Maybe...maybe Trina will just forget about it.

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I'm playing Susie, right?

(Sikowitz nervously hems and haws, then runs from the room. Jade picks up the paper with the roles)