Veep quotes

Jonah

There are some—I know, I know—there are a lot of people out there saying that I shouldn't be president. The NEA, the AMA, the AFL-CIO, the UCLA. And you know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence, or the tentriment to be president? My very own campaign staff. Yeah. They have been working against me, trying to stop me from being president. Yeah. No that's right, you can boo 'em, go ahead. [people start booing] Go ahead, boo, yeah. That is my campaign chair Amy Brookheimer—she recently had an abortion! That is my chief strategist Teddy Sykes. He is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated! And this—and that guy right there, that's . . . Eric something?

Bill

[incredulous] Bill Ericsson!

Jonah

That's Eric Bill Ericsson and I don't exactly know what his title is, but he thinks he's better than me, and he thinks he's better than everyone in this room. And one more thing. I just found out from my stupid stepfather—

Teddy

Father-in-law!

Jonah

From my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was invented by Muslims . . . [people gasp] Yeah, and we teach this Islamic math . . . to children. These math teachers are terrorists! Algebra? More like Al Jazeera! Under a Ryan Presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children! There will be no more math. No more math! No more math! No more math! [people start chanting; Jonah accidentally punches his wife whilst fist-pumping] No—are you—she's fine!

Selina

Okay Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-based...

Kent

Faith-based.

Selina

Mmm-hmm. On religious shit, ASAP.

Gary

I don't know how to do that. I don't even know how it got in there.

Selina

Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a Triceratops.

Amy

Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, especially with melanoma-ravaged swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads... and deadbeat moms.

Jonah

Those are my peeps.

Furlong

Well, we gotta go. Will's got a full day ahead of him. Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will.

Will

Well, I was hoping to finally finish my passion project.

Furlong

Which is?

Will

Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls so that I have to sit to pee, like a real girl.

Furlong

Ha!

Kent

It's basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people.

Selina

That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.

Dan

Sorry, Mayor Splett, this is Sidney Purcell. He represents the very good people at Con Ag Chem Family Farms.

Sidney

Ah, well this man needs no introduction, please, the 7/11 Mayor himself.

Richard

Would you care to join us?

Sidney

Yeah, don't mind if I do. That's a great idea. You know, I'm actually really glad that I happened to run into you, there's a vote coming up in the State Senate, uh, regarding pesticide regulations . . . and there's an empty seat up there. Do you know anything about pesticides?

Richard

Not as much as I'd like.

Sidney

That empty seat in the State Senate . . . it could be yours.

Richard

You know down at the feed store, they're saying your new seeds cause cancer.

Sidney

Well, we've paid for seven studies that say that it doesn't . . .

Dan

Seven? Wow. Well, it's good enough for me, I mean you can't—can't argue with science.

Sidney

Lucky Seven, that's right.

Dan

I'm gonna get some drinks, you guys stay here. Talk. Get to know each other.

Sidney

You know what I want, Dan. What do you want, Mayor?

Richard

Well, to read those reports.

Richard

This has been a very difficult decision, but no, I will not be running for State Senate. There's just so many things I still want to do for the good people here in Lurlene. Like my own pet issue, which as many of you know, is pet issues. And I certainly hope I'm not letting anyone down, especially my new friend Sidney.

Are you referring to Sidney Purcell, the Con Ag Chem Fam Farms lobbyist?

Dan

[Dan tries to usher him away] You know what guys, I'm so sorry, we don't have any time for any more questions.

Richard

Actually Dan, that did sound like a question. Yes, Sidney Purcell. Super generous guy. Offered me all sorts of great stuff, like brand new kitchen appliances . . . or a brand new hot-tub like the lieutenant governor has . . . oh but I'm not supposed to talk about that.

Mayor Splett, are you saying that Con Ag Chem made you an offer to run for office?

Dan

No, no, no, that's not what he said; he didn't say that.

Richard

No, no, no, Dan is right. Uh Sidney made the offer. Con Ag Chem is a company, it can't talk. [He laughs] Hilarious, though, talking company. Where would the mouth even be?

Selina

My Nobel Prize really makes the point that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.

Ben

I think it's pronounced half-white.

Selina

Eh, tomato, mulatto.

Amy

Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated conspiracists and Kombucha-douching private school moms.

Jonah

That's the real America.

Dan

We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. I mean, last night, I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.

Kent

Ma'am, the White House refuses to get involved in your situation.

Selina

What?

Kent

Although, publicly, Montez has claimed to be considering all options.

Ben

Privately, I hear she's been doing impressions of you getting broomsticked in prison.

Amy

Oh, my God, you Patient I.Q. Zero, you infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccination!

Jonah

Well, it serves them right.

Amy

Didn't you have chicken pox as a child? Or were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuckholes in watermelons?

Jonah

Amy, that only works with fleshy melons.

Duh!

Jonah

And sometimes pumpkins.

Amy

How long have you been taking these?

Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, but the pain went away in two days. They gave me 97 pills, though, so now I just take them for the going away of my feelings.

Amy

So, you're not pregnant?

Oh, no. Jonah and I don't want any more kids until I can get my cake-pop business off the ground. Oh, and until we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.

Ben

There are two things Americans don't like to see get hurt: animals, and white girls on spring break.

So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?

Selina

Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.

Oh, well, there it is - the casual Meyer attitude toward criminal enterprise, just like her husband.

Gary

Ex-husband.

Jonah

Step-husband.

Selina

You know, if you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.