Veep quotes

Furlong

Alright, right now every Sunday pundit and poli sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still come.

Selina

Hitting a little close to home there, Roger, minus the "big-titted" part.

Gary

We've never had a complaint, have we?

Furlong

But if we doesn't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickety-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons!

Gary

That's not a problem for us.

Selina

Gary, it's fine.

Furlong

Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay? None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples. And, what else, Will?

Will

And may the best man win. And may the hairiest man ziptie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.

Furlong

Ha!

Jonah

Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts. This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me! I was right, and that means I should be president!

Amy

We've just been denounced by the ACLU. We are going to win this thing!

Selina

Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face!

Selina

I wanna offer Jonah the VP slot.

What?

Selina

Yeah, it's the only move we have left now, and we're gonna have to get it done today.

Kent

Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations that can play out here. You don't have to do this.

Selina

Do the goddamn Islamic math. You're the numbers guy.

Kent

Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome!

Selina

Amy, will you talk some sense into him, please?

Amy

Don't do it.

Selina

What?

Amy

Don't make Jonah your VP.

Selina

You know what I just remembered? You are a terrible campaign manager.

Amy

Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president!

Selina

Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.C. Being Vice President is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death! Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I've got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal!

Mike

We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer. But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved m... [checks earpiece] I'm sorry. Breaking news. I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88. The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Philadelphia 2 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family. Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama, and moved audiences both young and old. Today the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure. Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.