Veep quotes

Selina

Who do you think you are? Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you First Lady, because I don't remember marrying you, Gary! I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls! I think I'd remember that!

Gary

Ma'am, I'm really sorry for the painting, and I'm really sorry for the spending, but you have to understand—

Selina

Oh, shut up! Just shut up! You are unimportant! And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield!

Gary

That is not true, ma'am.

Selina

You think you're some sort of a big shot here? Oh, my God, you are not a big shot here, Gary! You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers! God!

Gary

You're wrong.

Selina

Excuse me?!

Gary

When's Catherine's birthday?

Selina

June 8th—

Gary

Ninth.

Selina

Ninth!

Gary

Which senator's daughter's in rehab?

Selina

You're out of line, missy!

Gary

Geldray. What are you wearing tomorrow?

Selina

I don't know!

Gary

I do, I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball!

Selina

No you're not!

Gary

Yes I am!

Selina

NO YOU'RE NOT!

Gary

I have broken my body for you!

Selina

Oh, come on.

Gary

I've let myself be laughed at, I've let myself be humiliated, but I'm happy to do it! Most times, you don't even know that I exist, BUT I AM FUCKING EVERYTHING TO YOU!

Selina

Oh, I am so happy to find somebody else to get me my hand cream!

Gary

Okay, go!

Selina

Yeah!

Gary

Can you find somebody else who did what I did?!

Selina

You mean on Labor Day?

Gary

I didn't say that.

Selina

Yeah you did, you ju— you just said "Labor Day".

Gary

I said I would never mention that ever.

Dan

Sir?

Ben

Yes?

Dan

The HIV girl.

Ben

Yes?

Dan

The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.

Ben

Yes?

Dan

Alright, well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.

Ben

Fuck! You know, I preferred when the Internet was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid! Did we definitely out this girl?

Dan

Yeah.

Ben

Shit!

Dan

Only her doctor and her principal knew, now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS."

Ben

Oh, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library!

Bill Ericsson

Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records, and why didn't we ask her parent's permission?

Ben

Oh thank you, Question Man! You've just saved the entire city! Or did you?

Mike

This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.

Dan

What's our line here? Do we tell the president?

Ben

No! She's gonna panic! We gotta find out more facts, aright? Bozos, disassemble!

Teddy

[to Jonah] Hey, I Am Groot, stop swapping spit here with Pretty Woman, and get me Brock and Hunter!

Ben

Hey, Dan.

Dan

Thought you resigned.

Ben

I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.

Dan

No. No, this is not—this is not real.

Ben

No, you're right Dan, it's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.

Dan

So am I fired? Please Ben, don't say that I'm fired.

Ben

You're not fired...

Dan

Oh, thank fuck for that.

Ben

...because you've just resigned.

Kent

It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First Bill, and handsome. Therefore, guilty looking.

Dan

No, no. No! I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data!

Ben

You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs!!

Kent

I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.

Bill Ericsson

Sounds like he's learning a sex alphabet.

Ben

I've seen a salmon in a grizzly's mouth look less panicky than that!

Jonah

I fucking hate Kent. I'm gonna wipe that... neutral expression off his face.

Amy

I feel like I'm on a life support machine and the keep pulling the plug... to charge their phones!

Ben

I'm so tired, I could sleep a horse. Or whatever that word thing is.

Catherine

Being the First Daughter is a big responsibility.

Selina

Good.

Catherine

But I'm happy to serve my country, and to help out my mom.

Selina

That's very good, yes.

Catherine

I love you, Mom.

Selina

Oh, no, honey. You've got to say it like you mean it, though, darling. It's so easy. It's like, "I love you, Mom."

Catherine

I love you, Mom!

Selina

Well, not like that.

Selina

Karen, what do you think of Pierce?

Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate, so we just need to weigh out the pros and cons.

Amy

Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working! "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits, and I don't know my left buttcheek from my right buttcheek, but I believe in listening to both buttcheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth!" That's not even bullshit! Bullshitting takes talent; you have none! You are just a blah-blah-blah-blah bitch!

Selina

Okay, Amy, that is enough.

Amy

I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion. But no more! You have made it impossible to do this job. You have two settings—no decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America. You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery! I've had enough. I'm gone.

Selina

[as Amy walks to the door] Well, I guess she's finished with her little... [Amy walks back to her] Oh, nope, look at that, there's more.

Amy

You have achieved nothing apart from one thing. The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked. Goodbye, ma'am.

Tom James

What a great convention! Best one in four years.

Tom James

Madam President, I am here to serve. You are the sun, I the moon. Of Jupiter. Not even one of the good ones.

Mike

Great. Another hate text from Amy. "You looked sweaty on TV yesterday. Are you going through the changes?"

Kent

I wish I understood vendettas. They're so time-consuming.

Tom James

Sometimes you have to gamble. Unfortunately, our horse did not win.

Selina

No, it certainly didn't! It fell at the first fence and it got shot, and now some French fucker's got it in a baguette!

Kent

[re: the intruder] I had not anticipated this; this, I had not anticipated.

Ben

Well that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.