Ben, Tom James has just said the shooter is a victim too; PTSD.
Oh, my God! Calamity James! And that's just off the top of my head!
Well, what do I do?
Just get him off, you fucking mannequin!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[after hearing about the data leak] Y'know, I could kick over chairs and scream "How in the risen fuck did this happen?" What's the point? It's done. I say we move on. Together, the Magnificent Seven!
He's really good.
It's 'cause there's seven of us!
I meant as a politician.
I know, I know.
[regarding the children in the kindergarten]
You know at least three of these kids are probably mine.
CMCongressman Moyes
[to Richard and Jonah] So you're the best the White House has to offer? Two giant children in their Dads' suits?
I think I just sneezed up part of my pancreas.
I dunno what this is about.
Good point. Dan and Amy; they're being paid cash from the campaign fund to bring down the bill! There, you've been blooded, so, join the circle jerk, grab a dick.
EVERYONE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLES!!! The president is not sick! You guys are! You're parasites, you're like an infestation of mediocrity! [to Bill Ericsson] I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster, [to Mike] you're a Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin, [to Kent] and Nazi Doctor! [to Gary] I don't even know what the fuck you are! This is not about serving yourselves, this is about serving the president. So lets do that shall we?
Tom... I do the team talks, okay?
You're absolutely right, ma'am.
And I agree with everything you just said, so get it together, people!
You could just hit the fucking gas, Jonah.
Dan, I'm not getting a ticket, okay? That's the sort of thing that comes back to bite you when you run for office.
Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.
Okay, new rule in the cube: if your name begins with "D," you need to shut the fuck up immediately!
I'm fine because my name begins with an "R."
Not if we shorten it to "Dick."
It's a matter of public record that Dan Egan was fired because of his relation to the data breach. I mean, you could have Googled that.
That's not my question. Was he responsible?
Well, Washington needed a sacrifice. So we all ran and got out our pitchforks, and we set fire to the Wicker Dan.
Okay, so why did he deserve to go if he was innocent?
You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens. I mean, life is chaotic. And it's often unfair. I know it is for me. Dan Egan deserved to go. So, he went.
So Jonah Ryan wasn't sent here to defend the bill to deliberately undermine it?
No. No. Read my luscious lips: no.
BMs. Bennett
Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled "the Jonad Files?"
Uh, no. No, ma'am.
No. That doesn't ring a bell.
BMs. Bennett
So it's not a word combining "Jonah" and "gonad?"
Not to my knowledge.
I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.
In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.
I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.
Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. "J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection—"
Do we have to go through all of these?
WMr. Wallace
I'm not sure that I see the relevance.
The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.
WMr. Wallace
Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.
"The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca."
My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.
I have to go. I have to call the President of Africa, so—I mean South Africa, specifically.
Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl.
Where is Congresswoman Bennett?
She is absent.
Yes, I got that. I took Noticing in high school!
Can you tell us who was responsible for the data breach, Mr. Cafferty?
No.
But you do know who was responsible?
No.
Can you tell us anything at all about said data breach?
No.
Are you gonna continue to answer every question with a one-word answer, Mr. Cafferty?
No... I am not.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Veep pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.