Ricky quotes from Trailer Park Boys

Ricky

Actually, Sarah, let's go with the milk.

Sarah

"Let's go with the milk"? What the fuck's that?

Ricky

Sorry...would you welcome me with a little bit of your precious milk, please? Is that better?

Sarah

Why? So that you can welcome yourself to all the cereal that I bought?

Ricky

Hey, Dad!

Ray

Hey, buddy.

Ricky

Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.

Ray

Smells good, buddy.

Ricky

There's only three pieces left, but I'll give it to you so long as I can have the grease.

Ray

You can have the grease, buddy.

Ricky

Cool.

Ray

Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.

Ricky

Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?

Ray

I'm talking about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, nothing to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.

Ricky

Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.

Ray

Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.

Ricky

Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?

Ray

I don't... What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.

Ricky

You want some fuckin' bacon or not?

Ray

Yes, Rick, I do. Rick, there's another point: we should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?

Ricky

From a cow.

Ricky

Hey, Bubbs.

Bubbles

Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck, that bacon smells good! Is there any extra?

Ricky

Only had a few piece, bud. I gave it to, ah, gave it to the old man.

Ricky

I'm doin' bread heels and grease, it's pretty good. You want half?

Bubbles

Of an old bread heel?

Ricky

Yeah, just dip it in the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.

Bubbles

You do it too. You're not trickin' me, are ya?

Bubbles

It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Have you anything to drink?

Ricky

A little bit left in that.

Ricky

You still pissed off?

Bubbles

Well, kind of.

Bubbles

What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!

Ricky

No way! Fuckin' deck nulls, man! Check those out!

Julian

Drinks, boys! Drinks!

Ricky

Well, let's make toast, boys!

Julian

To a good fuckin' time today.

Bubbles

This is a good time! [takes a drink] I'm gonna go put my spacesuit on, boys, then let's get this dirty cocksucker in the air!

Ricky

Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.

Bubbles

Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control, this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.

Julian

Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.

Bubbles

Try some, Ricky!

Ricky

[sighs] Breaker, breaker, come in, Earth. This is rocketship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbonator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over. How's that, buddy? I don't fuckin' know!

Bubbles

Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!

Ricky

Dartmouth Regional Vacational School? Julian, are you fucked in the head? I thought we weren't going to fucking high school. I can't go to fucking vacational school.

Julian

Rick, you're not selling hash in high school, alright? You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Rick. Think.

Ricky

Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at fucking spoken out and trying to get up in there and then you gotta...fuck.

Julian

Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky

I can't do this, man. My brain doesn't work this way. It's not college level.

Julian

This is the perfect place to sell hash. We are not gonna get caught. Everything'll be fine. Come on.

Bubbles

You'll do alright, Ricky.

Julian

Think about this. Think about your daughter. Think about Lucy. They're gonna be impressed with you. They're gonna be so fucking proud of you, man. Come on, let's go.

Ricky

Julian, this brain barely got through fucking Grade 7. Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately with fucking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fuck sakes. He says it's too risky for me to have a bunch of hash on me around schools that do these random searches, so he used this big smart thinking stuff to come up with this new plan where basically I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break into the school, if there's money in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there. Use the honor Lee system. And hopefully it's gonna work out good. Boys, they're not gonna let me in here. If they do, there's not a fucking chance in hell I'm gonna get a greeting card. Think about it, I'm stupid.

Julian

Rick, listen to me. Don't let school shit distract you, okay? You're here for one reason, and that's to sell drugs, okay? Stay focused, man.

Bubbles

There's two ways to look at it, really. Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell drugs. And Ricky's here to sell drugs. I mean, maybe if it was under different circumstances he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell drugs. It's kind of ironic, really.

Jim

You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs?

Bubbles

No.

Jim

Measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.

Ricky

What the fuck are you going on about?

Jim

Can you hear it?

Bubbles

No, I don't hear anything.

Jim

Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the ol' shit barometer rises, and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit pressure. You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side. Beware, my friend. Shit winds are a-comin'.

Trevor

What if we drove down midnight pass road?

Cory

No, man. If we go up this way, we stop at Mimar's Arcade right there.

Ricky

What the fuck? Do one of you idiots mind telling why there's only 10 fuckin' carts left in that truck instead of 20?

Cory

Yeah, we had to move 10 off.

Ricky

Oh, you moved 10 off. Did you hear that, Julian? Precious little Cory and Trevor fucked up and took 10 carts off the goddamn load!

Julian

Your order's for 10 carts, Rick. You fucked up.

Ricky

What the fuck are you lookin' at, Trevor?

Trevor

Fucked up, Ricky. You know what else? You're wearing the same dirty clothes since you got out of jail. Fuck up, man.

Ricky

What did you just say to me?

Bubbles

Uh oh.

Ricky

Knock knock, Trevor.

Trevor

I'm not gonna say "who's there", man.

Ricky

You just did, you fuckin' idiot.

Bubbles

Ricky! Ricky!

Trevor

Those are my new pants!

Cory

What are you doing?!

Bubbles

Ricky!

Julian

Boys! Boys! We're supposed to be workin' like a team here! You wanna be on the winning team that makes a shitload of money, or do you wanna be on the losing team that goes to jail, huh? Apologize to him!

Ricky

I'm not apologizing to him.

Julian

Cory, move. Apologize to him.

Ricky

I'm sorry I ripped your pants off, Trevor.

Trevor

It's alright, Ricky. Shit happens, man.

Ricky

Do you want your pocket back, Trevor?

Julian

Here's some gas money. Cory, get over here. Gas money, and here's twenty for a new pair of pants.

Trevor

Thanks a lot, Julian.

Julian

Alright, no speeding. Put on your seatbelts. Don't fuck around.

Trevor

See you later, Ricky.

Ricky

Do a good job, boys.

Bubbles

Ricky, you ripped his fuckin' pants right off.

Ricky

I don't know what happened. I'm just so stressed out lately. I fucked up. He was fuckin' standin' up to me though. He better watch himself or he's gonna lose a fuckin' friend. I'll tell you that.

Ricky

That's nothing, Julian. Me and my old man made 70 bucks from recycling last week.

Bubbles

70 bucks each?

Ricky

No, 30 bucks each.

Bubbles

[to Ray] 30 bucks each? Ray, that doesn't add up.

Ray

Moving on, Bud...

Bubbles

I remember Halloween 1977 like it was yesterday. I remember everything about that night.

Ricky

Well, I didn't even smoke dope back in '77, so I can tell you exactly what happened on Halloween.

Julian

I remember Halloween 1977 perfectly.

Ricky

We dressed up as people from Star Wars, and I remember Julian copied off me. I don't even remember what I dressed up as, Luke Skywalker or Dark Vader or something, but Julian copied off me. Bubbles was the gold guy, I remember that.

Bubbles

Had my C-3P0 outfit on. I remember the way the moon was gleamin' off the gold. I just wanted to get candy and Julian was on the liquor. I mean, we were only kids, but he was still drivin' liquor into him.

Julian

Then we see Lahey coming home. He just got off duty. Parked his car, got out. Ricky decides he wants to fuck over his cop car.

Ricky

Bubbles or Julian, I can't remember which one. It was probably Julian, but I think it was Bubbles, said, "Let's go mess around with his cop car over here."

Bubbles

Julian had the idea, he wanted to get into some 'mischief', I remember is what he called it. And he wanted to go push Lahey's car, put it out of gear and see where it would roll to.

Ricky

They put the car out of gear and started pushing it.

Bubbles

Put it out of gear and off it went, and it picked up way more speed than they thought it would, and it crashed right into a fuckin' trailer. I remember thinking, "Oh my God, now we did it."

Ricky

And Lahey, he was a cop back then, it was his car, he ran out. All he wanted was to take Julian's liquor, 'cause Julian was drinking big time back then. Julian fought him for it, liquor went up, got spilled all over Lahey and his uniform. He finally got the liquor, got back to his car and was trying to get car unstuck from the trailer in reverse, and liquor spilled all over his crotch.

Julian

Next thing you know, George Green shows up, he was Lahey's partner.

Ricky

He's the stupidest cop there is and he thought Lahey was drunk, pissed himself. It did look like he was drunk and pissed himself, but he wasn't drunk. I don't think he even pissed himself at all, so it was a misunderstanding.

Bubbles

He started saying, "Now listen, George, this isn't what it looks like", and George told him he was drunk, and as they started arguing, all that did is make Lahey look more drunk and crazy than he actually was back then. And next thing, Lahey's under arrest and it was our fault.

Ricky

It came down to two choices, and Lahey, well, he resigned. I just can't believe that Julian and Bubbles, they--they ruined Mr. Lahey's life.

Julian

He lost his career, he lost his marriage, went down the tubes and he lost his mind.

Bubbles

Mr. Lahey used to be nice back then, and we turned him into a drunk, crazy lunatic.

Ricky

Is there any way Lucy coulda got pregnant without my bird doin' stuff to her?

Ray

[laughs] You're joking, right, Rick?

Ricky

No, actually I'm pretty serious, Dad.

Ray

Fuck, um...

Ricky

There must be another way. We have done some stuff, but.. Me and Lucy haven't banged in 7 months and she's 6 months pregnant, so... Does that work out, or...

Ray

Bubbles, answer that. I gotta rock a piss off, buddy.

Lucy

The navy's really good. I actually can't see your underwear for once.

Sarah

Yeah, they look really good, Randy. They're a big improvement.

Randy

They're so comfortable. My other ones were so tight!

Sarah

Yeah, they're only one size bigger, too.

Sarah

Randy!

Randy

Sorry, Sarah.

Ricky

[from outside] Lucy, get the fuck out here and tell me what's going on! Nice pants, Randy! You still look fucking stupid! Lucy, I'm serious! Get out here and talk to me!

Ray

Fuck sakes, Phil.

Bubbles

Ricky, I got onion ring fragments on me, get them off!

Ricky

I'm not touching those onions.

Bubbles

GET THEM OFF!

I'm sorry, your honor.