Here it is!
Wow. Star Trek!
S8 E6July 16th, 2006
[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]
That's not a bed, is it?
[laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!
I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!
What a reward!
You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!
You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!
[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]
What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might-- I thought--
That's an AK-47.
I know. I thought I might need it.
Why?
A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?
You're not a practical man, are you?
Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.
I like it.
I like it. It's nice... it's homey.
No, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Oh good, a train!
Nice, that's nice.
Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
It's alright. It's romantic.
Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!
I'm gonna go off and I'm gonna find one of those ruddy-faced farmers and his organic, rosy-cheeked wife, and get some free-range eggs and... grass-fed bacon, and all that local produce.
How do I "Release The Excrements"?
Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!
[on taking a caravan holiday]
Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."
[complaining about the camp site] You aren't allowed to have a fire, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to play music, you have to be in bed by eleven, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you can't have anything. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!
Why would anybody think this was a holiday? I mean at what point in the last eight hours have I done anything I'd call holidayish? Nothing! I've been in a car accident, I've watched James May destroy a camp-site, I've stabbed myself seven times...
She spent twelve thousand pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket! I'm sorry, but when we come to power, caravanning is going to be banned, and that's it.
[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
No.
Coconut milk?
No.
Green curry paste?
No.
Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
It had some potatoes.
Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Oh God. Uh, Richard!
What?
Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
No. Why?
[outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
Tea towel in water.
[inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
No, I used it all on my hair.
Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.
[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]
All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?
...I think "well."
[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
No, absolutely not.
I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?
[voiceover] So we weren't looking forward to our holiday and if I'm honest we weren't enjoying the journey that much either.
We've done fifty-two miles.
That's it?
Yeah.
We've been on the road for three and a quarter hours and you've done fifty-two miles? You had my hand up.
No, you put your hand next to the gear stick, I've got to change gear.
There's no way...
[interrupting] STOP FIGHTING IN THE FRONT! We've got a long way to go!
[voiceover] It was getting claustrophobic in the Kia, but because we were caravanning, we could do what caravanners do: pull over at the side of the road and have a spot of lunch. [cut to the trio eating lunch at the side of the motorway]
[sarcastically] Tell you what, this is peaceful!
[to Jeremy] Pork pie?
What?
PORK PIE!
[The trio are departing a petrol station, having pulled in to clean up after Top Gear Dog]
The dog's not gonna be sick again, is it? The smell's not good.
No, I don't... I just don't want to...
[There is a loud crashing sound, and the car suddenly jerks to a halt]
What the hell?!
That's bad.
[James gets out, followed by Jeremy and Richard, and they see that the caravan has crashed into a metal bollard]
You...!
It's pretty poor, mate. It's pretty poor.
Caravanning, James. Something you were looking forward to.
Well, let's watch it come off. [James gets in the car, and starts reversing, causing even more damage to the caravan] Back. SLOWLY! SLOWLY! Back!
[voiceover] Our caravanning trip wasn't going well. In fact, it was even starting to strain the bonds of our friendship. ["James May mobile number 07848 687959" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.