[on the Dacia Sandero]
Oh, good news!
What?
The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brakeforce distribution.
Great [quickly] Now...
S11 E5July 20th, 2008
[on the equipment of their classic luxury cars]
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this [opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily].
[Describing James' Rolls-Royce Corniche]
All it is, is a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.
[Commenting on James' Rolls-Royce Corniche's top speed run]
Children come out of the womb faster than that!
[on the last service bills of their classic luxury cars]
What was yours?
Jeremy [hands his bill over to James]: Read it and weep, that's the last service bill.
James [meets him with disbelief]: Ehhh?! Fifte-.. [bursts out laughing] I misread that at first - 15 thousand...
Yeah, and...
15,950 Pounds and 59 pence.
Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.
Was that...
There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...
What did he do? Buy you a Golf? [starts laughing again]
[after several failed attempts, Jeremy and James head to a multi-story to park their cars]
[voiceover] This was great. They take your money, however it comes and in return, you get spaces.
[Jeremy reverses into a parking space]
Yes! I am in, I'm parked. [he goes to open his door, but due to the width of his car, he's very close to the car next to him and can't] Ah. [he tries the other door, but can't open that either because it's too close to the wall] Oh, no! I can't-- I can't get out! [voiceover] And James couldn't get in.
[he's having trouble getting into another space] Doesn't fit.
[voiceover] Which was making everyone very cross. [other cars start honking their horns] Shut up! OK, fine! You want to have a horn race? READY, STEADY--! [he blasts his horn, which is very loud. The camera goes out to a wide aerial shot of London to emphasise the sound of the horn] Now that's a horn!
[voiceover] And it got us thrown out.
[On the fate of Jeremy based on the former owners of his Mercedes Grosser 600, after finding out that the former owners of his Rolls-Royce Corniche are entertainers who are homosexual or camp, specifically Elton John, Liberace and Dick Emery]
It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
[a reference to Elvis Presley, one of the former owners of the Mercedes Grosser 600]
So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
...or camp commandant.
[he and the audience laugh] Exactly!
[during the Car Hunting Challenge while some people are standing on the side]
Hello people, would you like me to murder you? I'm an offroad enthusiast.
[After Clarkson was caught by the hunt and cues back to the studio]
Sadly, in the course of making that film, Jeremy Clarkson was eaten by dogs.
There is only one way we can settle this. [pointing to a board with two lists of names] So what I've got here is a list of famous people who in the past have owned a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose: Elton John, Liberace, Dick Emery... remember, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you..." ... and James May. ...What do they all have in common?
What you're trying to say is that because I've got a Corniche, I must, by association, have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits, is that it?
That's it, yes, spangly jumpsuit man!
Right, okay, fair enough. [points to the second, much longer list of names on the board] Let's have a look at the Big's famous former owners. They are—
Is Max Mosley on that list?
No, it's worse! Look: Amin, Brezhnev, Ceausescu, Tito, Hoxha, Hussein, Castro, Klerk, Hirohito, Pot, Tung, and Elvis Presley.
An impressive list.
It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute. [a reference to Elvis Presley]
So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
...or camp commandant.
[he and the audience laugh] Exactly!
S11 E6July 27th, 2008
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight, Richard spins off the track... twice; Jay Kay tries to get to number one; and Germany or Britain: which is best?
[on The Stig.]
Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes! All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[on organ donation and the dangers of motorcycling]
I actually carry a card that says "I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing in the event of my death."
Fair enough.
[While test driving the Mitsuoka Orochi]
[voiceover] It costs forty-four thousand pounds and it's made by a company called Mitsuoka.
You've probably never heard of them either, but they are a proper, Japanese car maker. In fact, they're the tenth biggest car maker in the country, after Toyota, Nissan, Honda and six others.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.