TV show quotes
[Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
[Cut to James and Richard]
See these manhole covers?
NO!
They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.
[on adjusting the GT-R's Satellite Navigation system]
I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!
See, the thing is about all Japanese cars --
[satnav speaks a stream of Japanese]
[panicked] HELP!
[on his provided Japanese snacks]
That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."
[cut to a shot of Richard and James in a small shop, looking in the cooler.]
Mate, it's all fish.
Yeah, it's good for you.
Don't like fish.
Well, you've come to the wrong country.
I have seen X-Factor winners less cheerful than all petrol pump attendants are in Japan.
[to the petrol pump attendant] Look at this.
[Jeremy puts on his Bill Oddie face-mask]
Brrrrr! How frightening's that? He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.
Speed camera coming up! [puts the Bill Oddie face-mask on and races past the camera, on the pretence that Oddie will get the speeding ticket and not him]
[while on a cable car to Nokogiri-yama]
So at the top here there is a Buddha...to road safety. Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GT-R was buried in the middle of it?
[both begin to imitate Jeremy]
Watch this, I'm here.
Oh dear!
Bang!
[After learning that Richard and James lost]
Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.
[faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, you looked after him...[breathes hard]...disappointed...
Wait for it...
[Translator device then speaks]
Which is...
Japanese for...
Oh cock!
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight, we completely save the countryside; James and I completely ruin London; and there be dragons in our reasonably-priced car.
[On the GT-R]
[voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.
[After Clarkson's Review of the GT-R]
You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.
It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.
Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.
No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"
[on The Stig.]
Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders! All we know is, he's called Bergerac!
[During The Stig's Lap of the GT-R]
[voiceover] ...And he's still all over Elton John; let's hope he showers afterwards.
[During the news on Chrysler's move on installing WiFi on its production vehicles]
Will you be able to check your e-mails?
Yeah.
Will you be able to look at... (whispers) Abi Titmuss's lady garden?
(Audience Laughs)
Well, they did say it's for passengers only.
Then, it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'
(Audience laughs as an explicit picture is shown in the TV screens)
(Bows his head in laughter, then regains composure) You had to.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
