[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight, we completely save the countryside; James and I completely ruin London; and there be dragons in our reasonably-priced car.
“July 20th, 2008” · Season 11, Episode 5
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (14), James May (8), Richard Hammond (4)
[On the GT-R]
[voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.
[After Clarkson's Review of the GT-R]
You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.
It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.
Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.
No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"
[on The Stig.]
Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders! All we know is, he's called Bergerac!
[During The Stig's Lap of the GT-R]
[voiceover] ...And he's still all over Elton John; let's hope he showers afterwards.
[During the news on Chrysler's move on installing WiFi on its production vehicles]
Will you be able to check your e-mails?
Yeah.
Will you be able to look at... (whispers) Abi Titmuss's lady garden?
(Audience Laughs)
Well, they did say it's for passengers only.
Then, it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'
(Audience laughs as an explicit picture is shown in the TV screens)
(Bows his head in laughter, then regains composure) You had to.
[on the Dacia Sandero]
Oh, good news!
What?
The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brakeforce distribution.
Great [quickly] Now...
[on the equipment of their classic luxury cars]
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this [opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily].
[Describing James' Rolls-Royce Corniche]
All it is, is a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.
[Commenting on James' Rolls-Royce Corniche's top speed run]
Children come out of the womb faster than that!
[on the last service bills of their classic luxury cars]
What was yours?
Jeremy [hands his bill over to James]: Read it and weep, that's the last service bill.
James [meets him with disbelief]: Ehhh?! Fifte-.. [bursts out laughing] I misread that at first - 15 thousand...
Yeah, and...
15,950 Pounds and 59 pence.
Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.
Was that...
There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...
What did he do? Buy you a Golf? [starts laughing again]
[after several failed attempts, Jeremy and James head to a multi-story to park their cars]
[voiceover] This was great. They take your money, however it comes and in return, you get spaces.
[Jeremy reverses into a parking space]
Yes! I am in, I'm parked. [he goes to open his door, but due to the width of his car, he's very close to the car next to him and can't] Ah. [he tries the other door, but can't open that either because it's too close to the wall] Oh, no! I can't-- I can't get out! [voiceover] And James couldn't get in.
[he's having trouble getting into another space] Doesn't fit.
[voiceover] Which was making everyone very cross. [other cars start honking their horns] Shut up! OK, fine! You want to have a horn race? READY, STEADY--! [he blasts his horn, which is very loud. The camera goes out to a wide aerial shot of London to emphasise the sound of the horn] Now that's a horn!
[voiceover] And it got us thrown out.
[On the fate of Jeremy based on the former owners of his Mercedes Grosser 600, after finding out that the former owners of his Rolls-Royce Corniche are entertainers who are homosexual or camp, specifically Elton John, Liberace and Dick Emery]
It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
[a reference to Elvis Presley, one of the former owners of the Mercedes Grosser 600]
So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
...or camp commandant.
[he and the audience laugh] Exactly!
[during the Car Hunting Challenge while some people are standing on the side]
Hello people, would you like me to murder you? I'm an offroad enthusiast.
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