Top Gear quotes

Jeremy

So the rally team got the car changed in...

Richard

Twenty-seven minutes.

Jeremy

Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...

Richard

Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.

Jeremy

I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.

Richard

I don't think it works!

Jeremy

Men should go out with men.

Richard

You're making me nervous. Stop it!

Jeremy

Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.

Jeremy

Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s.

Jeremy

I think the problem is that it's... French.

Jeremy

I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!

Jeremy

On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.

Jeremy

And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want?

Jeremy

Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW."

Jeremy

Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.

Jeremy

I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything.

Richard

And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.

Jeremy

Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ?

James

Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful.

Jeremy

So that advert must be true.

James

That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.

Jeremy

I've got a report here from the Observer. "Drivers are facing the biggest revolution in the history of British motoring." ... It's the Lexus again, it's changed everything.

They echo, these prisons - have you been in one?

Jeremy

Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there...

So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down?

Jeremy

Yeah! Yell!

They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"

Jeremy

Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This Countdown thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon? Got any ideas on that one?

I'm short-sighted. I can't see that, thank goodness!

Jeremy

And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is -

Richard

[laughing] That is so true.

Jeremy

He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?"

Richard

That's what passengers are for.

Jeremy

You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus."

James

Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.

Jeremy

That is not going to work, and do you know the worst thing about this is? That Jaguar was working, we know, on an F-Type, a two-seater modern day E-Type and they cancelled that project, because they'd spent all their money on a diesel engine!

Jeremy

Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.

Jeremy

For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.

Jeremy

You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again; you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout!

Richard

[On the Renault Mégane's interior] Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubbyholes for years!