I'm now playing what I like to call Fuel Light Bingo. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on; then you let the needle go all the way through the red until it's bent like that [holds up crooked finger] round the bottom of the gauge. Then, when you see a sign saying "services 1 mile and 27 miles", go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one too. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. I think it's a great game! My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. If you lose, you run out of petrol.
S2 E4June 1st, 2003
[After stopping at John o'Groats at the end of the XJR test] Oh dear, I seem to have run out of country.
For the last few years, the DB7's been an aging rocker, still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world of Porsche 911s and foo-fighter Ferraris. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra, it's up there with the best of them.
[during the news, Richard is talking about a reliability study]
I think this reliability index, gets a bit weak here. Third most reliable make of car...Fiat. [audience laughs] I mean then it's got you know Honda, Volkswagen, Mercedes, Toyota, BMW, Volvo, all the people you'd expect, but in third place, Fiat?
What have they got as being the most unreliable?
Well this is good fun, because according to them the second least reliable make, least reliable make is....Subaru! Where did it go wrong? They're the most reliable cars imaginable!
S2 E5June 8th, 2003
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?
Now, this is really quite simple, OK? Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like this: [moving a model of a BMW 3-series] you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this [showing how the car fishtails 180 degrees], and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.
[on the Porsche 911 Turbo]
So you spun it, then.
I spun it slightly.
What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."
This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.
You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...
[discussing a man who built a race car in his kitchen, eventually having to tear down an exterior wall to get it out of the house]
I presume there's no wife involved in this.
No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.
Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it?
Yeah!
OK. Here it is.
... That's the old Mondeo.
No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!
Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.
It's got a new radio, hasn't it.
It has got a new radio.
Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.
[on the Vauxhall Vectra 48-hour test drive program]
So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -
Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?
[...]
I wonder how many they've got?
Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.
[on Honda's tips for avoiding road rage]
It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.
[testing the Daihatsu Copen's man-compatibility with a member of the audience]
Oh my Lord.
What do you reckon?
He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.
[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. These two - these two are not men, OK? This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... it has to be the right one.
[on the Triumph TR6]
What a squarehead! Look at it! Blunt at both ends, thickset - I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it'd leave the seat up.
[...]
Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.