[During the opening sequence.]
On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.
“June 15th, 2003” · Season 2, Episode 6
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (9), Richard Hammond (2), James May (2)
[on the Mitsubishi Evo VIII and Version 8 Impreza WRX STi
And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want?
[...]
Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW."
[...]
Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.
[on the Lexus RX300 ad slogan "It Changes Everything"]
I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything.
And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.
Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ?
Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful.
So that advert must be true.
That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.
I've got a report here from the Observer. "Drivers are facing the biggest revolution in the history of British motoring." ... It's the Lexus again, it's changed everything.
RWRichard Whiteley
They echo, these prisons - have you been in one?
Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there...
WWhiteley
So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down?
Yeah! Yell!
WWhiteley
They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"
Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This Countdown thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon? Got any ideas on that one?
WWhiteley
I'm short-sighted. I can't see that, thank goodness!
[consigning a photo of Hammond's actual Porsche 911 to the Uncool section of the Cool Wall]
And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is -
[laughing] That is so true.
He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?"
That's what passengers are for.
[on the Vauxhall VX220]
You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus."
[trying to break the land speed record for towing a caravan]
Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.
[on Jaguar being the last car maker to put diesel engines in the cars]
That is not going to work, and do you know the worst thing about this is? That Jaguar was working, we know, on an F-Type, a two-seater modern day E-Type and they cancelled that project, because they'd spent all their money on a diesel engine!
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