[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?
“June 8th, 2003” · Season 2, Episode 5
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (9), Richard Hammond (8), James May (6)
Now, this is really quite simple, OK? Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like this: [moving a model of a BMW 3-series] you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this [showing how the car fishtails 180 degrees], and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.
[on the Porsche 911 Turbo]
So you spun it, then.
I spun it slightly.
What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."
This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.
You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...
[discussing a man who built a race car in his kitchen, eventually having to tear down an exterior wall to get it out of the house]
I presume there's no wife involved in this.
No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.
Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it?
Yeah!
OK. Here it is.
... That's the old Mondeo.
No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!
Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.
It's got a new radio, hasn't it.
It has got a new radio.
Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.
[on the Vauxhall Vectra 48-hour test drive program]
So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -
Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?
[...]
I wonder how many they've got?
Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.
[on Honda's tips for avoiding road rage]
It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.
[testing the Daihatsu Copen's man-compatibility with a member of the audience]
Oh my Lord.
What do you reckon?
He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.
[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. These two - these two are not men, OK? This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... it has to be the right one.
[on the Triumph TR6]
What a squarehead! Look at it! Blunt at both ends, thickset - I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it'd leave the seat up.
[...]
Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.
[On a comparison between a rally team changing most of the underbody of a rally car vs. girls getting ready for a big night out]
So the rally team got the car changed in...
Twenty-seven minutes.
Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...
Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.
I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.
I don't think it works!
Men should go out with men.
You're making me nervous. Stop it!
[On the Renault Clio V6]
Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.
[...]
Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s.
[...]
I think the problem is that it's... French.
[later, with overdone French accent.]
I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.