Why would anybody think this was a holiday? I mean at what point in the last eight hours have I done anything I'd call holidayish? Nothing! I've been in a car accident, I've watched James May destroy a camp-site, I've stabbed myself seven times...
S8 E6July 16th, 2006
She spent twelve thousand pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket! I'm sorry, but when we come to power, caravanning is going to be banned, and that's it.
[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
No.
Coconut milk?
No.
Green curry paste?
No.
Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
It had some potatoes.
Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Oh God. Uh, Richard!
What?
Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
No. Why?
[outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
Tea towel in water.
[inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
No, I used it all on my hair.
Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.
[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]
All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?
...I think "well."
[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
No, absolutely not.
I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?
[voiceover] So we weren't looking forward to our holiday and if I'm honest we weren't enjoying the journey that much either.
We've done fifty-two miles.
That's it?
Yeah.
We've been on the road for three and a quarter hours and you've done fifty-two miles? You had my hand up.
No, you put your hand next to the gear stick, I've got to change gear.
There's no way...
[interrupting] STOP FIGHTING IN THE FRONT! We've got a long way to go!
[voiceover] It was getting claustrophobic in the Kia, but because we were caravanning, we could do what caravanners do: pull over at the side of the road and have a spot of lunch. [cut to the trio eating lunch at the side of the motorway]
[sarcastically] Tell you what, this is peaceful!
[to Jeremy] Pork pie?
What?
PORK PIE!
[The trio are departing a petrol station, having pulled in to clean up after Top Gear Dog]
The dog's not gonna be sick again, is it? The smell's not good.
No, I don't... I just don't want to...
[There is a loud crashing sound, and the car suddenly jerks to a halt]
What the hell?!
That's bad.
[James gets out, followed by Jeremy and Richard, and they see that the caravan has crashed into a metal bollard]
You...!
It's pretty poor, mate. It's pretty poor.
Caravanning, James. Something you were looking forward to.
Well, let's watch it come off. [James gets in the car, and starts reversing, causing even more damage to the caravan] Back. SLOWLY! SLOWLY! Back!
[voiceover] Our caravanning trip wasn't going well. In fact, it was even starting to strain the bonds of our friendship. ["James May mobile number 07848 687959" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]
S8 E7July 23rd, 2006
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight: Is a Peugeot faster than two men? Has Lamborghini gone mad again? And can we build a whole car in 8 hours?
[During the news]
But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?
Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."
What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.
Hey, now, talking of getting in touch, we have a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.
They did.
We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...
Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.
A hundred and fifty complaints. :[Crowd laughs]
Seriously.
A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.
They are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.
No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!
You're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.
[About the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder Convertible]
There are faults. The steering wheel for instance, is covered in a bath mat. And if you push the seat all the way back, as I have to, it squeaks, against the firewall. Can you hear that? Does that the whole time you're driving along. And, you can never find the seat belt. I DON'T CARE!!!
You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible, because if you accidentally stray over 3500 rpm you just get this sort of... bark, of that. [Stepping on the gas] You hear that? Quiet... Bark! AAARRR!
[On the Stig]
Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Yes, it's the Mercedes B-class! Keen students of the alphabet will probably have worked out already that this is one up from the A-class.
[In the Caterham race]
Don't hit it with a hammer!
Why?
...because that's the tool of a pikey!
[voiceover] The Stig was now on the M40 and had the hammer down. I, too, had put my hammer down, and picked up a spanner! And something was bound to go wrong.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.