[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, I wear a hat. Richard wears a hat. And James wears a hat.
“July 18th, 2010” · Season 15, Episode 4
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (11), Richard Hammond (6), James May (5)
[During the news]
It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.
Well, they can't.
Yeah, realistically they can't...
No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.
[after arriving in his modified Land Rover Cottage at the start point, Fleet services on the M3]
And here it is. I´m genuinely genuinely proud of it.
(voiceover) But before I had a chance to talk you through, Jeremy arrived. In what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.
[On the Stig]
Some say that he spent all week daydreaming about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer. [laughter] And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary, because he's paid in strong pornography. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
[After describing the problems in his Land Rover] Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...
[The camera cuts to the front of Jeremy's car, which is swaying from side to side rather violently due to the height of Jeremy's "flats"]
[trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't begin to describe what this feels like. Oookay, wallowing quite badly. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]
I've cocked up, I know I've cocked up. Wahaaa, low bridge!
[over the walkie-talkie after Jeremy cleared the bridge] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
[to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yes!
[smirking] He hasn't got a clue.
[Jeremy sees he is being overtaken by a huge lorry]
[gasp of horror, then] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[over the walkie-talkie, after witnessing Jeremy swerving frantically to maintain control and avoid the lorry] Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had on a road journey in my whole life! It's absolutely hilarious!
[lifts the Citroen's bonnet] Holy moley! What manner of terrible thing has happened under my bonnet? It's actually had diarrhoea, is what's happened here.
[at the beach]
I, um, have had to leave some of the panels at the camp site. Well, all of them, pretty much, and that, um... [we see Richard inside the back of the Land Rover, which has no panels] ...has sort of compromised privacy, rather. [a crowd of men on the beach watch him] Yeah, they're not gonna go, are they?
Sitrep. Don't like driving my Citroen, don't like sleeping in my Citroen, almost certainly won't like cooking in it either.
[Richard Hammond has set fire to his motor home while trying to cook part of a three-course meal, and it has spread rapidly after failing to extinguish it]
He's actually set fire to metal, how's he done that?!
[after they leave the campsite]
[over the walkie-talkie] James May.
[also over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy Clarkson.
What's it like driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?
Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? [Jeremy laughs]
[as they drive over a bridge and his block of flats starts to sway again] Woah!... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
[while Jeremy is supposed to be getting an ice cream for James and Richard...]
[narrating] While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.[speaking to James] You see where it drops away to the edge of the cliff?
Yeah.
If we pushed his car there, just park it on the edge. He won't be able to go forwards obviously...
I know what you're thinking.
...He'd never back it up.
That's brilliant!
Go on stick it down there, 'cause he'll see it from the bottom, he'll see the tower on the edge. [laughs]
He's taken the [keys].
Well push it, push it, push it!
[they start to push Jeremy's block of flats to the edge]
[cut to Jeremy who is licking an ice-cream on the pier, with the three cars on a cliff in the far background]
That's good. [takes another lick] That's very good.
[cut back to James and Richard]
The handbrake's off.
Just get it, just get it right to the edge...
Yeah yeah.
I reckon if we...
Oh hang on...
That's not...
Oh f***..!
[cut to Jeremy]
In weather like this, amongst scenery like that, holidaying in England...[takes a lick of the ice-cream]...even in a motor-home does make sense. [to the cameraman] Is that alright?
[as he's saying this his block of flats tumbles over the cliff, disintegrating into rubble in the process]
[seeing the crew look behind him] What?[turns to look, sees the wreckage of his car lying on the beach, and turns back] What's that?
[During the news]
As you know, last week, there was some sort of football match on at the same time as us so I just wondered, who here watched Top Gear last week? Hands up if you did.
[Everyone except for Jeremy raises their hands]
I did! It was great! Jeremy? You?
I couldn't watch it.
Well, I be honest, I found the bit with the wedding a bit cringeworthy but I struggled on and made it to—
No, I mean that I couldn't watch it because I was in Johannesburg.
Watching the finals. Oh great! So, the one week where we wanted to call in a bit of loyalty and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart.
Yes, I did.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.