James May quotes from Top Gear

Richard

[voiceover] Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead.

Jeremy

[going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...

Richard

Condoms?!

Jeremy

Vaseline... Tampax... and er... Viagra.

James

I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but, that's a bit extreme.

Richard

What kind of party are they planning?

James

That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.

Richard

I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!

Richard

[in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!

James

[to his car] Stop it!!

Jeremy

[into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?

Richard

[into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!

James

Oh! Jesus.

Jeremy

Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.

Richard

[desperately irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!

Jeremy

Sorry, I was...

James

[Overlapping] I was pretty f**king straight with you on this one, and now you're gonna get machete'd to death. [starts jabbing the blade at Jeremy's neck, half-threatening]

Jeremy

[fending James off] Don't- I was watching the taxi!

James

[interrupting] I did warn you! Did I or did I not warn you?!

Richard

[casually observing the spectacle] James is killing Jeremy... Yeah, thing's are going well.

Jeremy

I was watching the taxi.

James

You weren't!

Jeremy

I was watching the taxi.

James

Hammond, I want to say something to you that I wouldn't say at any other time.

Richard

...What...?

James

...Please don't leave me.

Jeremy

We now have to do the news and that's impossible, because it's not the week you think it is.

Richard

No, it's actually December, December 9th.

Jeremy

Yes, it really is. You see we had the studio booked for today, and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.

Richard

This is the past.

Jeremy

This fly flying around here has actually died by the time you watch this. [laughter]

James

The real problem is obviously, that between now and when you're watching this, there's really anything could have happened. Somebody could have invented a car that I don't know, runs on jelly. We might have declared war with France... [pauses to smile suddenly]

James

So, instead of the news, what we're going to do, we're going to take a look ahead to some cars that are coming out -- this year.

Jeremy

This year. This year.

Richard

Yes!

James

A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95, here it is.

Jeremy

Unless of course Saab went bust in the last two weeks.

Richard

Oh god, which is a real possibility!

Jeremy

Tell you what seriously, James, James, really. Do this two ways, we will edit it.

James

Yeah.

Richard

Cover yourself.

James

[cheerful tone] A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95. There it is [car shown on the monitor]. [solemn tone] A car I was looking forward to was the new Saab 95. [laughter] That's what it was going to look like. They say --

Jeremy

No, they said.

James

What?

Jeremy

They said.

James

Oh, yes. They say, or said, that it's based on a jet fighter, or was, but it isn't wasn't. [laughter] It's actually based on a Vauxhall. You can or could get three engines, or maybe you could get three engines. The best of which was or is a 2.8 litre V6. That will start at about ?25,000. It looks great.

Jeremy

You know what James, why haven't you got a Saab?

James

Because they've gone bust.

Jeremy

I don't believe that, the most exciting thing I've ever seen and some idiot at Television Centre cut to an advertisement for a stupid little Korean hatchback.

James

It's a good job ITV didn't cover the moon landings. 10 foot. BEEP. Five foot. BEEP. [singing] If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit...

James

Hey! Good news! No, I have secured some top secret film taken inside the factory of the new Dacia Duster being made.

Jeremy

Excellent! Excellent! [quickly] anyway..

Richard

What would be a good score on this? A new car will score, a good car?

150 points.

Jeremy

I will go first with my score. Are we ready? 58!

James

58. That's good. (looks at the results) 19!

Jeremy

19? That's not so good.

James

No.

Jeremy

Hammond?

Richard

6!

Jeremy

Would you say the BMW is dangerous?

Yes.

James

Hang on a minute. If they just need to bring their average CO2 down, why don't they just buy a bicycle factory?

Richard

Or they should do Aston Martin flowers, 'cause they suck in CO2 and put out oxygen, and that would bring it crashing down!

Jeremy

I think it has to be a mode of transport... you can't go to work on some flowers. A horse?

James

Scissors.

Jeremy

Have you ever tried sitting on a pair of scissors? [laughter]

James

Not yet.

Richard

He probably has actually.

Jeremy

It won't work. A cow? A cow --

Richard

Ostriches. They're quite exotic.

Jeremy

It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.

James

Well, they can't.

Richard

Yeah, realistically they can't...

Jeremy

No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.

Jeremy

[gasp of horror, then] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

James

[over the walkie-talkie, after witnessing Jeremy swerving frantically to maintain control and avoid the lorry] Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had on a road journey in my whole life! It's absolutely hilarious!

Jeremy

[over the walkie-talkie] James May.

James

[also over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy Clarkson.

Jeremy

What's it like driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?

James

Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? [Jeremy laughs]

Jeremy

[as they drive over a bridge and his block of flats starts to sway again] Woah!... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Richard

[narrating] While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.[speaking to James] You see where it drops away to the edge of the cliff?

James

Yeah.

Richard

If we pushed his car there, just park it on the edge. He won't be able to go forwards obviously...

James

I know what you're thinking.

Richard

...He'd never back it up.

James

That's brilliant!

Richard

Go on stick it down there, 'cause he'll see it from the bottom, he'll see the tower on the edge. [laughs]

James

He's taken the [keys].

Richard

Well push it, push it, push it!

Jeremy

That's good. [takes another lick] That's very good.

James

The handbrake's off.

Richard

Just get it, just get it right to the edge...

James

Yeah yeah.

Richard

I reckon if we...

James

Oh hang on...

Richard

That's not...

James

Oh f***..!

Jeremy

In weather like this, amongst scenery like that, holidaying in England...[takes a lick of the ice-cream]...even in a motor-home does make sense. [to the cameraman] Is that alright?

Jeremy

[seeing the crew look behind him] What?[turns to look, sees the wreckage of his car lying on the beach, and turns back] What's that?