[During the opening sequence]
Tonight: James wears a stripey jumper. Richard drives a stripey Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.
“November 29th, 2009” · Season 14, Episode 3
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (7), Richard Hammond (4), James May (2)
[Talking about the Gallardo Balboni]
According to Top Gear research, 47% of caravanners enjoy wife swapping. Think what will happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot! Oh, yeah!
[At Norwich airport]
PHPolice helicopter
...Not really aware of your intentions, but, ah... you've strayed into the controlled airspace of Norwich Airport.
I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.
[mocking James after his flying airship caravan attempt fails]
And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...
[About the Hawk Lancia Stratos kit car]
The interior would be familiar to Lancia fans. The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are. The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be, before the seatbelt jammed my frank up to my lungs. The gear lever is like Bugs Bunny's ears, and one of the buttons on the dash operates the fire extinguisher... but I don't know which one it is, so I dare not touch any of them.
And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there--20 miles--which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just-- [mimes punching someone] --bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
No, but if everybody does 70--
Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
So you're saying it's logic.
It is logic.
It's logic to kill Nelson Mandela.
No it isn't.
It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
Killing Nelson Mandela is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway--
What, is it black or white?
--is an absolute.
How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."
You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?
No, cube their heads!
Get up five minutes earlier.
I haven't got five minutes!
It's not five minutes anyway.
It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute-- anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here--Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!
[The man joins Jeremy]
Congratulations for--
JJesus
Thank you.
It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?
JJesus
No, I go the back way.
Because of that [the roadworks]?
JJesus
Yeah.
So how much is it adding to your transport every day?
JJesus
Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.
Ten minutes a day? That's--
JJesus
I ride a donkey each way.
Each way, five days a week?
JJesus
Yeah.
So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!
JJesus
That's right.
Now that is a small point, that--
Thank you for sharing that with us.
["Jesus" walks back into the audience to massive applause]
Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!
[On the Stig]
Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. All we know is he's called The Stig!
[during the news]
Now, I don't know the papers this week, but a woman had a baby, while on her way to hospital in a Kia, OK? Now they've called the baby....Kia. [growing laughter from the audience]
Could've been worse, it could've been Proton! [laughter]
Because these people, called their baby Kia, Kia, the people who make the cars have actually given them a Kia car. We've got a picture of the handover [image is displayed on screen]. Now this brings onto a very important Top Gear Top Tip. If you're on your way to hospital, in labour and you're in a Kia, for God's sake get out! [laughter from Richard and the audience]
Let the child be christened 'Skip', 'Bus Stop', 'Phone Box', anything, just get out.
I christen this child, 'Doorway of Curries'. Because at lease you'd get a free microwave and not a hideous car like that!
[riding in a Lancia which is slowly losing pieces of the bodywork]
You need to define greatness, and that's the important thing. And just because something's unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Stephen Hawking... great bloke, even though a lot of him doesn't work.
Yeah. I wouldn't break it to him like that, but the principle stands, yeah it does.
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