[During the opening sequence]
Tonight! I get scared half to death on our track. We host our own arts exhibition, and the world champion is in our Reasonably Priced Car.
“December 20th, 2009” · Season 14, Episode 5
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (10), Richard Hammond (5), James May (3), David (3)
testing the Noble M600]
Jeremy': This down here is exactly the same switch that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles. It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident, and that is a good thing. Because in here what it does... is turn the traction control off. ...Aah! I wish I'd kept it on! Oh, I really wish I'd kept it on!
Some say that you shouldn't go round to his house for your Christmas lunch unless you enjoy the great taste of seagull. And that the reason he always wears a helmet is because a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
[on the Aston Martin Rapide]
All this is yours for 140,000 pounds. Now that is quite a bit more expensive than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera, but, there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin. Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent. And secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British. Despite the fact that it's made in Austria. Which I think is in Germany.
[Jeremy accidentally sprays himself in the face with some RAC-branded perfume]
MY EYES!
[Richard laughs]
You cretin!
[also laughing] I'm blind!
Look at this! It's a fork on one end and a 10mm ring spanner on the other!
[Pointing at James] And the best thing is, there is another spanner in the middle, look!
[examining an unofficial Richard Hammond calendar]
Why are you drunk in all the pictures?
Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.
Why does everything always get broken in our Christmas thing?
[David Coulthard and Jeremy's painting-with-an-F1-car experiment ends with Jeremy being hit in the testicles by high-speed paintballs and collapsing to the ground screaming]
I'll tell you, I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure.
You sprayed my helmet!
You shot one of my testicles- Oh, I see, that helmet!
Can we edit the spin out?
Yes, we can edit that out.
You promise?
[Jeremy has been taped to a chair to keep him out of the way while Richard and James cut a Vauxhall Astra in half with a plasma lance]
This is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Don't give us ideas.
Guys?
What?
Where did you find that car?
Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
[Richard Hammond is talking to a number of radio stations near Middlesbrough about himself when he should've publicised the car art exhibition in the Mima gallery, Jeremy Clarkson is listening to this while driving the art car to the Mima gallery and is hysterical with anger]
I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!
[During half-time, the presenters have returned to change their football shirts after James May made a mistake by giving them Newcastle shirts as it was a Middlesbrough vs Nottingham match]
We apologise for that terrible mistake, we have an art exhibition at the Mima Gallery, we have Ferreris, Lamborghinis, Richard Hammond's Land Rover!
[The spectators cheer]
Oh and there's one more thing, Nottingham, you can't come!
[voice over] The away supporters responded with good grace...
[Richard Hammond was expecting items to be thrown at them, but was amused when the Nottingham supporters jokingly chant "You fat bastard!", directed by Jeremy Clarkson]
Right, red for the blood.
Erm... mate? What? It was supposed to be what's inside the car.
How'd you know if there isn't a horse's head in the boot? (Shows a painting of a beheaded horse's head on the boot)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.